Adult daughter is fat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest, you are worried about her marriage prospects only. It's not normal to combine health and marriage prospects in the same sentence. You only added health to seem like less of an ass, but your true concerns are obvious. You don't think a man will be attracted to your fat daughter.

NP, I think “health concerns” are the new coded way we talk about weight when we really means aesthetics/looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am still confuse as to why this is the one area where it’s considered okay to give unsolicited advice.

If your daughter responded by telling you about a “new salon that’s really great with hair like yours, like they work miracles” or offering you the number of a plastic surgeon who is “really great with aging skin” would that be okay?

Whenever my mean immigrant mother in law critiqued my weight I wanted to respond by offering the name of a tutor or someone who tutored in remedial English.

Can we be friends?

Well done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest, you are worried about her marriage prospects only. It's not normal to combine health and marriage prospects in the same sentence. You only added health to seem like less of an ass, but your true concerns are obvious. You don't think a man will be attracted to your fat daughter.

NP, I think “health concerns” are the new coded way we talk about weight when we really means aesthetics/looks.

I heard that in the 90s. "It's for your health" but two minutes later "but it's a shame, you have such a pretty face."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest, you are worried about her marriage prospects only. It's not normal to combine health and marriage prospects in the same sentence. You only added health to seem like less of an ass, but your true concerns are obvious. You don't think a man will be attracted to your fat daughter.

NP, I think “health concerns” are the new coded way we talk about weight when we really means aesthetics/looks.

It is 100 percent. And the health concerns are usually advance by a vain beeyotch ice mommy with botox face.

[Anonymous]

I am a fat not so young adult. The two helpful things for me would be offering to pay for my ozempic (I am actually waiting for prior authorization for vegovy and it’s taking forever), and bringing or sending me healthy food I don’t need to cook (eg salads).

But honestly, OP, you have to get selfish here and try to preserve your relationship above all else, so that she doesn’t abandon you when you are old. Let her do what she wants. At least she doesn’t drink or take drugs or a bum.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you did not educate them properly about nutrition, exercise and a healthy lifestyle. Are you also fat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am still confuse as to why this is the one area where it’s considered okay to give unsolicited advice.

If your daughter responded by telling you about a “new salon that’s really great with hair like yours, like they work miracles” or offering you the number of a plastic surgeon who is “really great with aging skin” would that be okay?

Whenever my mean immigrant mother in law critiqued my weight I wanted to respond by offering the name of a tutor or someone who tutored in remedial English.

Having an unattractive hairstyle or wrinkled skin or speaking English imperfectly doesn’t impact the functionality of your body, increase your risk for many different diseases or shorten your lifespan like obesity does. It may be a terrible idea for a mother to discuss weight gain with her daughter, but a significant weight gain does present a threat to her daughter’s health, and mothers worry about their children’s health, even if their children are adults.

[Anonymous]

Is she single? How soon do you want to be a grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still confuse as to why this is the one area where it’s considered okay to give unsolicited advice.

If your daughter responded by telling you about a “new salon that’s really great with hair like yours, like they work miracles” or offering you the number of a plastic surgeon who is “really great with aging skin” would that be okay?

Whenever my mean immigrant mother in law critiqued my weight I wanted to respond by offering the name of a tutor or someone who tutored in remedial English.

Having an unattractive hairstyle or wrinkled skin or speaking English imperfectly doesn’t impact the functionality of your body, increase your risk for many different diseases or shorten your lifespan like obesity does. It may be a terrible idea for a mother to discuss weight gain with her daughter, but a significant weight gain does present a threat to her daughter’s health, and mothers worry about their children’s health, even if their children are adults.

I disagree. The subtext is still "I don't like the way you are and therefore I like you less. I would like you more if you were different." And you know what? That's true for many adult children as well. "Hon, how bout we set you up with a subscription for Stitch Fix. Those capri pants really aren't doing you any favors."

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still confuse as to why this is the one area where it’s considered okay to give unsolicited advice.

If your daughter responded by telling you about a “new salon that’s really great with hair like yours, like they work miracles” or offering you the number of a plastic surgeon who is “really great with aging skin” would that be okay?

Whenever my mean immigrant mother in law critiqued my weight I wanted to respond by offering the name of a tutor or someone who tutored in remedial English.

Having an unattractive hairstyle or wrinkled skin or speaking English imperfectly doesn’t impact the functionality of your body, increase your risk for many different diseases or shorten your lifespan like obesity does. It may be a terrible idea for a mother to discuss weight gain with her daughter, but a significant weight gain does present a threat to her daughter’s health, and mothers worry about their children’s health, even if their children are adults.

I disagree. The subtext is still "I don't like the way you are and therefore I like you less. I would like you more if you were different." And you know what? That's true for many adult children as well. "Hon, how bout we set you up with a subscription for Stitch Fix. Those capri pants really aren't doing you any favors."

Just because that’s how it feels to hear that a loved one is concerned about your weight doesn’t mean that the loved one doesn’t have legitimate health concerns. This is an emotional minefield. OP has to judge whether the slight chance of a positive impact on her dd’s health is worth the potential (and far more likely) negative impact on her relationship with her dd if such a conversation were to take place. Probably the benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your child.

I do too. While I loved my mother I hated dealing with her, because she could only see how "fat" I was.

Turns out I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition doctors refused to treat for ten years, and a host of undiagnosed food allergies. Now I am in better shape and my mom is dead.

[Anonymous]

Ya it's always that dang thyroid!

[Anonymous]

DON'T bring it up. This is so disrespectful to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still confuse as to why this is the one area where it’s considered okay to give unsolicited advice.

If your daughter responded by telling you about a “new salon that’s really great with hair like yours, like they work miracles” or offering you the number of a plastic surgeon who is “really great with aging skin” would that be okay?

Whenever my mean immigrant mother in law critiqued my weight I wanted to respond by offering the name of a tutor or someone who tutored in remedial English.

Having an unattractive hairstyle or wrinkled skin or speaking English imperfectly doesn’t impact the functionality of your body, increase your risk for many different diseases or shorten your lifespan like obesity does. It may be a terrible idea for a mother to discuss weight gain with her daughter, but a significant weight gain does present a threat to her daughter’s health, and mothers worry about their children’s health, even if their children are adults.

I disagree. The subtext is still "I don't like the way you are and therefore I like you less. I would like you more if you were different." And you know what? That's true for many adult children as well. "Hon, how bout we set you up with a subscription for Stitch Fix. Those capri pants really aren't doing you any favors."

Just because that’s how it feels to hear that a loved one is concerned about your weight doesn’t mean that the loved one doesn’t have legitimate health concerns. This is an emotional minefield. OP has to judge whether the slight chance of a positive impact on her dd’s health is worth the potential (and far more likely) negative impact on her relationship with her dd if such a conversation were to take place. Probably the benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk.

I just wholeheartedly do not believe that anyone who is overweight is unaware of it and needs a loved one to point it out.