Adult daughter is fat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still confuse as to why this is the one area where it’s considered okay to give unsolicited advice.

If your daughter responded by telling you about a “new salon that’s really great with hair like yours, like they work miracles” or offering you the number of a plastic surgeon who is “really great with aging skin” would that be okay?

Whenever my mean immigrant mother in law critiqued my weight I wanted to respond by offering the name of a tutor or someone who tutored in remedial English.

Having an unattractive hairstyle or wrinkled skin or speaking English imperfectly doesn’t impact the functionality of your body, increase your risk for many different diseases or shorten your lifespan like obesity does. It may be a terrible idea for a mother to discuss weight gain with her daughter, but a significant weight gain does present a threat to her daughter’s health, and mothers worry about their children’s health, even if their children are adults.

I disagree. The subtext is still "I don't like the way you are and therefore I like you less. I would like you more if you were different." And you know what? That's true for many adult children as well. "Hon, how bout we set you up with a subscription for Stitch Fix. Those capri pants really aren't doing you any favors."

Just because that’s how it feels to hear that a loved one is concerned about your weight doesn’t mean that the loved one doesn’t have legitimate health concerns. This is an emotional minefield. OP has to judge whether the slight chance of a positive impact on her dd’s health is worth the potential (and far more likely) negative impact on her relationship with her dd if such a conversation were to take place. Probably the benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your child.

I do too. While I loved my mother I hated dealing with her, because she could only see how "fat" I was.

Turns out I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition doctors refused to treat for ten years, and a host of undiagnosed food allergies. Now I am in better shape and my mom is dead.

[Anonymous]

Ya it's always that dang thyroid!

[Anonymous]

DON'T bring it up. This is so disrespectful to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still confuse as to why this is the one area where it’s considered okay to give unsolicited advice.

If your daughter responded by telling you about a “new salon that’s really great with hair like yours, like they work miracles” or offering you the number of a plastic surgeon who is “really great with aging skin” would that be okay?

Whenever my mean immigrant mother in law critiqued my weight I wanted to respond by offering the name of a tutor or someone who tutored in remedial English.

Having an unattractive hairstyle or wrinkled skin or speaking English imperfectly doesn’t impact the functionality of your body, increase your risk for many different diseases or shorten your lifespan like obesity does. It may be a terrible idea for a mother to discuss weight gain with her daughter, but a significant weight gain does present a threat to her daughter’s health, and mothers worry about their children’s health, even if their children are adults.

I disagree. The subtext is still "I don't like the way you are and therefore I like you less. I would like you more if you were different." And you know what? That's true for many adult children as well. "Hon, how bout we set you up with a subscription for Stitch Fix. Those capri pants really aren't doing you any favors."

Just because that’s how it feels to hear that a loved one is concerned about your weight doesn’t mean that the loved one doesn’t have legitimate health concerns. This is an emotional minefield. OP has to judge whether the slight chance of a positive impact on her dd’s health is worth the potential (and far more likely) negative impact on her relationship with her dd if such a conversation were to take place. Probably the benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk.

I just wholeheartedly do not believe that anyone who is overweight is unaware of it and needs a loved one to point it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ya it's always that dang thyroid!

Good thing about fat people is that they can lose weight. Being nasty like you is not likely to fall off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ya it's always that dang thyroid!

And doctors tend to ignore the labs until you gain a ton of weight and are so tired you can barely function. Does that make you feel better?

[Anonymous]

I worked with a really fat women once. (This sadly a true story)

She was like 400 pounds. She started to stink like like rotten flesh and we smelled it and she finally went to Doctor. During exam then found rotten chicken bones and stuff in fat folds of skin.

She used to eat in bed and a Chick Drum stick and a wing or two get stuck in there and was rotting.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is wild. It's such a fine line for parents to walk, but I do think once they're an adult they're out of your control and you shouldn't comment. All parents give their kids trauma in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked with a really fat women once. (This sadly a true story)

She was like 400 pounds. She started to stink like like rotten flesh and we smelled it and she finally went to Doctor. During exam then found rotten chicken bones and stuff in fat folds of skin.

She used to eat in bed and a Chick Drum stick and a wing or two get stuck in there and was rotting.

I don’t believe that.

[Anonymous]

MYOB. Unless you’re willing to pay for a GLP med, then you can say a friend is using one and it’s improved their health etc etc and say if she wanted to try it you’ll pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Love her and leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

It isn’t that hard to lose weight and get into shape. Have a difficult conversation with her and she will appreciate it. I would never allow my children to be overweight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was always thin growing up and active. Now she works full time but is overweight. I’m worried how this will affect her health and marriage potential. Do I bring it up? Or ask if she’s visiting the doctor recently. I was thinking GLP 1 could be an option but I don’t want to push it.

Of course you do. Just be honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Mom, is that you?

Nowhere in OP’s post does it say the daughter is obese. I’m guessing daughter is 20 pounds overweight and mom thinks it reflects badly on her.

And no, veiled questions about health concerns are not subtle. It just makes your daughter hate you.