My parents are upset we didn’t invite them

[Anonymous]

disgusting is an infantile choice of words

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a different poster. To all those advising this poster (any many others on this forum) that they shouldn’t share anything with their parents, how do you suggest to handle when they point blank ask “what are you doing this weekend?” Is the suggestion to lie? Or keep evading (but not sure how long someone can reasonably do that…)

I’m genuinely curious about this approach that seems to be repeatedly suggested on this board.

White lies are your secret power!

Why lie? Tell the parents your schedule on the trip. They can go to the destination and meet up with your family when you are available. Not mentionned is how to get there. Distance? Are they capable of the drive? And none of this nonsense on providing take out or room service meals for them.

Unless they are so old and feeble they can't manage on their own in whch case the OP family would be driving them. That would be perhaps a last chance for either or both to go there...

They can use their words instead of chastising their child for traveling, which is normal.

“DC will you help us take one last trip? We think it will be easier with you there to help and would also enjoy your company.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a nurse and take them with you, leaving them behind is disgusting.

Who the hell are you? This is the worst advice and your tone is extreme. There is something wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth did you tell them? That’s just 1) rubbing in their faces that they can’t travel like they used to 2) that you didn’t invite them.

Seems mean, honestly. In the future keep your tap shut.

For a lot of us it would not be logistically possible to keep travel a secret. You also don't have to be so nasty. I believe in telling them and letting them know it wasn't possible to include them. They're adults and their personality problems are not my responsibility to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you take a trip that’s fun and appropriate for everyone.

Also you all shouldn’t have to do the same thing. IF your mother wants to sleep late and flit around getting ready tell her going out and meet her for lunch. If she needs to eat early bring her food or room service.

Some of you need to learn better problem solving skills and learn how to negotiate.

You are so naive. A lot of these people don't negotiate anything. They did their part and took grandma on trips and now it doesn't work. My mom started controlling and limiting everything we did when she visited and it wasn't reasonable for my elementary aged kids to sit around inside and listen to CNN at max volume for the month or two she visited.

I wouldn't give much info, but I would not lie about the travel. I would shut down any complaints. Walk away or hang up the phone.

[Anonymous]

“I know you’re disappointed but you made it clear travel is difficult and I accepted that. We now have a lot of activities planned for that weekend and it just wouldn’t be possible for Dad or you to manage. Let’s think what type of vacation would be comfortable for us all to do together. Would (place) or (place) be something you and Dad would be up for?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you take a trip that’s fun and appropriate for everyone.

Also you all shouldn’t have to do the same thing. IF your mother wants to sleep late and flit around getting ready tell her going out and meet her for lunch. If she needs to eat early bring her food or room service.

Some of you need to learn better problem solving skills and learn how to negotiate.

You are so naive. A lot of these people don't negotiate anything. They did their part and took grandma on trips and now it doesn't work. My mom started controlling and limiting everything we did when she visited and it wasn't reasonable for my elementary aged kids to sit around inside and listen to CNN at max volume for the month or two she visited.

I wouldn't give much info, but I would not lie about the travel. I would shut down any complaints. Walk away or hang up the phone.

I’m curious how “I wouldn’t give much info” looks?

“Mom and dad, we will be out of town from the 14th through the 21st. Just letting you know in case you need help with anything before we leave.”

“Where are you going?”

??? How would you answer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you take a trip that’s fun and appropriate for everyone.

Also you all shouldn’t have to do the same thing. IF your mother wants to sleep late and flit around getting ready tell her going out and meet her for lunch. If she needs to eat early bring her food or room service.

Some of you need to learn better problem solving skills and learn how to negotiate.

You are so naive. A lot of these people don't negotiate anything. They did their part and took grandma on trips and now it doesn't work. My mom started controlling and limiting everything we did when she visited and it wasn't reasonable for my elementary aged kids to sit around inside and listen to CNN at max volume for the month or two she visited.

I wouldn't give much info, but I would not lie about the travel. I would shut down any complaints. Walk away or hang up the phone.

I’m curious how “I wouldn’t give much info” looks?

“Mom and dad, we will be out of town from the 14th through the 21st. Just letting you know in case you need help with anything before we leave.”

“Where are you going?”

??? How would you answer?

They won’t answer because there is no answer. It’s fun to tell everyone what to do when they have normal parents or ones who don’t rely on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a nurse and take them with you, leaving them behind is disgusting.

Really? For a long weekend? She’s not leaving her parents tethered to a bed with a bowl of gruel and a bedpan. She is looking for help to assuage their feelings and clearly loves them. Loving adult children can’t take trips.

I like the responses that validate parental feelings and give some reassurance about time together coming up. Enjoy your trip, OP, it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - below is literally the exact script I used on my parents for a similar situation:

"We didn't invite you because you said you couldn't travel. We have already made our plans for that weekend and unfortunately due to your and dad's mobility issues, you wouldn't be able to participate. We'd love to come visit when the kids have a long weekend in the fall so that we can spend time with you."

+1. This is the most adult and reasonable reply. It’s honest and straightforward without being mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth did you tell her you were going there for a weekend? My inlaws, parents, nextdoor neighbors, multiple close friends, and coworkers have no idea where I’m going to be this weekend.

This. That was your mistake. Over sharing.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar boat, OP. Except mine did t complain as much as yours but it was apparent that we’d have to take into account their growing limitations as well as the already big challenges of our 3 small kids. Plus, in the past we paid for the trip and this year we just couldn’t afford a place that would accommodate us all. We just told them we were going and they asked if they could come and I said the place wasn’t big enough.nothing more I could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - below is literally the exact script I used on my parents for a similar situation:

"We didn't invite you because you said you couldn't travel. We have already made our plans for that weekend and unfortunately due to your and dad's mobility issues, you wouldn't be able to participate. We'd love to come visit when the kids have a long weekend in the fall so that we can spend time with you."

+1. This is the most adult and reasonable reply. It’s honest and straightforward without being mean.

I mostly agree but I do wonder about leading with empathy, or acknowledging their feelings and yours too. I wish you could come too, it stinks to miss and we'll miss you. But remember the last time, we all agreed that the travel is just too much with kids that need to be active. Then the rest of it.

[Anonymous]

What is this place you repeat visit?

[Anonymous]

At some point you just have to be ok with them being upset. Don't get into the mode where you are trying to get them see your very valid point of view. Just say "I can see you're upset about this" and stay neutral and then move on. Don't explain or defend yourself. They are looking for ways to make you feel bad and to give in to their POV. If you don't get into a back and forth about it, that can't happen.

My MIL is a lot like this. We have learned to just shrug and say "ok" when she complains. I'm sure she talks trash about us but IDGAF.