My parents are upset we didn’t invite them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a different poster. To all those advising this poster (any many others on this forum) that they shouldn’t share anything with their parents, how do you suggest to handle when they point blank ask “what are you doing this weekend?” Is the suggestion to lie? Or keep evading (but not sure how long someone can reasonably do that…)

I’m genuinely curious about this approach that seems to be repeatedly suggested on this board.

White lies are your secret power!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a different poster. To all those advising this poster (any many others on this forum) that they shouldn’t share anything with their parents, how do you suggest to handle when they point blank ask “what are you doing this weekend?” Is the suggestion to lie? Or keep evading (but not sure how long someone can reasonably do that…)

I’m genuinely curious about this approach that seems to be repeatedly suggested on this board.

White lies are your secret power!

Just change the subject. You don’t have to answer “what are you doing this weekend?”, you can say “did larla tell you about her fun camp last week?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a different poster. To all those advising this poster (any many others on this forum) that they shouldn’t share anything with their parents, how do you suggest to handle when they point blank ask “what are you doing this weekend?” Is the suggestion to lie? Or keep evading (but not sure how long someone can reasonably do that…)

I’m genuinely curious about this approach that seems to be repeatedly suggested on this board.

White lies are your secret power!

It’s a little more complicated than that when you are your parents emergency contact and they don’t know you’ll be there states away, or whatever. It’s easy to say “just don’t tell them” but a different story when it matters that they know you are or aren’t the one they can count on in an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a different poster. To all those advising this poster (any many others on this forum) that they shouldn’t share anything with their parents, how do you suggest to handle when they point blank ask “what are you doing this weekend?” Is the suggestion to lie? Or keep evading (but not sure how long someone can reasonably do that…)

I’m genuinely curious about this approach that seems to be repeatedly suggested on this board.

White lies are your secret power!

It’s a little more complicated than that when you are your parents emergency contact and they don’t know you’ll be there states away, or whatever. It’s easy to say “just don’t tell them” but a different story when it matters that they know you are or aren’t the one they can count on in an emergency.

Yes, I always tell my parents where and when I'll be traveling. It's a good safety protocol - I don't have siblings. I also expect them to be mature adults and not have a fit of FOMO.

If they do have a fit and become senile, then I will change emergency contacts and perhaps give them vaguer details. But I won't lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a different poster. To all those advising this poster (any many others on this forum) that they shouldn’t share anything with their parents, how do you suggest to handle when they point blank ask “what are you doing this weekend?” Is the suggestion to lie? Or keep evading (but not sure how long someone can reasonably do that…)

I’m genuinely curious about this approach that seems to be repeatedly suggested on this board.

White lies are your secret power!

It’s a little more complicated than that when you are your parents emergency contact and they don’t know you’ll be there states away, or whatever. It’s easy to say “just don’t tell them” but a different story when it matters that they know you are or aren’t the one they can count on in an emergency.

Yes, I always tell my parents where and when I'll be traveling. It's a good safety protocol - I don't have siblings. I also expect them to be mature adults and not have a fit of FOMO.

If they do have a fit and become senile, then I will change emergency contacts and perhaps give them vaguer details. But I won't lie.

This. I feel like lying, however white, is just as emotionally immature as their tantrum. I should be able to speak honestly about my life and they should be able to handle their emotions. If they can’t, that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t tell my mom about our travel because she is so eager to join and pouts about not doing family trips but she just can’t handle travel. We learned the hard way that how she spends her day is going to be different than ours. She wants to sleep in, needs 2 hours to get ready, needs to be within a 45 minute radius of her hotel room and her own bathroom (anxiety, not digestive issues), doesn’t want to eat breakfast, wants to eat lunch as the main meal, wants dinner at 4:30, can’t hold her drink, and walks very, very slowly. It leaves about 15 minutes of vacation time per day- and she doesn’t tolerate going separate ways.

All of that is stuff we could happily accommodate if we were prepared for it in advance, but instead she makes us keep this story going that she is an intrepid, lively traveler who loves to explore. So we can’t ever acknowledge her limitations but have to pretend that all of these accomodations are our idea and she’s just patiently going along with us. It’s exhausting and weird. My kid is older now, but she’ll still pretend it’s DD’s needs and at 11 am will be like, DD needs to eat, let’s get back for lunch. And DD is looking at her like she’s crazy, because she is.

In the movie When Harry Met Sally, Harry says to Sally that she’s the worst kind of high maintenance person because she thinks she’s a low-maintenance person. That’s my mom.

Well it sounds like you allowed it and forced your child to have miserable vacations because you won’t say no to your mother and instead of being honest with her you don’t tell your mother about travel, so you’re teaching your child to withhold information. Wait until you’re the one not being looped in.

[Anonymous]

‘Ma, the last time two times we went together you complained the entire time, we need to find something else to do together, cause this ain’t it’

[Anonymous]

Tell them your marriage is in trouble and you need a weekend away to sexually reconnect?

That’ll be juicy enough I bet she’ll forget to be offended she wasn’t invited!

[Anonymous]

Why on earth did you tell them? That’s just 1) rubbing in their faces that they can’t travel like they used to 2) that you didn’t invite them.

Seems mean, honestly. In the future keep your tap shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t tell my mom about our travel because she is so eager to join and pouts about not doing family trips but she just can’t handle travel. We learned the hard way that how she spends her day is going to be different than ours. She wants to sleep in, needs 2 hours to get ready, needs to be within a 45 minute radius of her hotel room and her own bathroom (anxiety, not digestive issues), doesn’t want to eat breakfast, wants to eat lunch as the main meal, wants dinner at 4:30, can’t hold her drink, and walks very, very slowly. It leaves about 15 minutes of vacation time per day- and she doesn’t tolerate going separate ways.

All of that is stuff we could happily accommodate if we were prepared for it in advance, but instead she makes us keep this story going that she is an intrepid, lively traveler who loves to explore. So we can’t ever acknowledge her limitations but have to pretend that all of these accomodations are our idea and she’s just patiently going along with us. It’s exhausting and weird. My kid is older now, but she’ll still pretend it’s DD’s needs and at 11 am will be like, DD needs to eat, let’s get back for lunch. And DD is looking at her like she’s crazy, because she is.

In the movie When Harry Met Sally, Harry says to Sally that she’s the worst kind of high maintenance person because she thinks she’s a low-maintenance person. That’s my mom.

Well it sounds like you allowed it and forced your child to have miserable vacations because you won’t say no to your mother and instead of being honest with her you don’t tell your mother about travel, so you’re teaching your child to withhold information. Wait until you’re the one not being looped in.

Nope, we did it once and thought maybe we were crazy or overreacting. And then my sibling tried a trip with my mom and their family and had the same experience, so we decided it will never happen again.

We do go on 1x/year visits and take DD, which is why I included current anecdotes about how my mom treats her during visits. It’s almost manageable if my mom is in her own home and we remind ourselves in advance that it will be on her terms, but a destination vacation together is impossible.

I am not dishonest about not traveling with my mom but also am not honest, either. DD has her own relationship with her grandma that is dictated by how her grandma treats her, not by what I tell her. Very small children are naturally observant and often realize when things are off before an adult does- my DD definitely spoke up about my mother to me before I said a word to DD.

I would imagine that DD will do her own kinds of vacations when she’s an adult and I’ll understand that because I have zero illusions about traveling with extended family.

[Anonymous]

Instead of reminding your mother of her constant complaining while on vacation, my approach would center around your nuclear family. In this busy world of work, school and activities, it is vital that you re-group and spend time as a family… alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“You’re disappointed because you would have liked to go. Okay, I understand. We’ll keep that in mind if we plan another trip.”

That’s it. You don’t need to apologize or overexplain. Just acknowledge and keep the conversation to a minimum. Don’t feel back or take the guilt bait. You made the right move.

That's not a good response at all.

[Anonymous]

They’re being ridiculous. You know it so stop caring that they’re upset.
Just don’t give a f***.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“You’re disappointed because you would have liked to go. Okay, I understand. We’ll keep that in mind if we plan another trip.”

That’s it. You don’t need to apologize or overexplain. Just acknowledge and keep the conversation to a minimum. Don’t feel back or take the guilt bait. You made the right move.

That's not a good response at all.

So what’s yours? OP asked for help, but it looks like you’re here to simply judge everyone rather than offer something.

[Anonymous]

OP - below is literally the exact script I used on my parents for a similar situation:

"We didn't invite you because you said you couldn't travel. We have already made our plans for that weekend and unfortunately due to your and dad's mobility issues, you wouldn't be able to participate. We'd love to come visit when the kids have a long weekend in the fall so that we can spend time with you."