Making friends with other parents through school

[Anonymous]

This is more dependent on whether you live in an area where everyone has lived for a long time and already has their friends or an area where there is a lot of transition. I’ve lived in three big cities with kids, and it was very easy to become friends with parents. Find people who are newer to the area - they will have time and more importantly, lack of an established social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more dependent on whether you live in an area where everyone has lived for a long time and already has their friends or an area where there is a lot of transition. I’ve lived in three big cities with kids, and it was very easy to become friends with parents. Find people who are newer to the area - they will have time and more importantly, lack of an established social circle.

PP. Here are some specific ideas to break the ice with new parents:
1. Ask parents for advice - ask about afterschool, the bus schedule, where to get a kid’s haircut, etc.
2. Offer to host play dates and invite the parent in for coffee/tea at pickup if they are not in a hurry
3. Offer to give other kids rides to bday parties etc
4. Find the connector parent - the one who knows everyone and takes it upon themself to welcome new parents
5. This is a weird one, but there is something called the Ben Franklin effect - if you ask someone for a favor, that person will have more positive feelings about you because their mind is essentially working backwards. They rationalize that since they did you a favor, they must like you. But obviously be judicious about this - asking for a parent to walk your kid to the park after school along with their own kid because you will be running 5 min late is one thing, asking a parent to babysit your kid all day is quite another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more dependent on whether you live in an area where everyone has lived for a long time and already has their friends or an area where there is a lot of transition. I’ve lived in three big cities with kids, and it was very easy to become friends with parents. Find people who are newer to the area - they will have time and more importantly, lack of an established social circle.

I’m from ny. I have friends who grew up in nyc, went to college in ny, married fellow New Yorkers and they have giant groups of friends. They do everything together.

I went away for college and grad school, met DH who was from another state and now live in dc. I have friends from everywhere but it is nothing like the tight knit friends that are lifelong friends where kids grow up together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made friends through volunteering at DCs' K-8. My DCs are 17 and 21 now, and I have two "for life" friends from that experience---we still socialize regularly as individuals, couples, and families. When my DCs were still in elementary school the wider circle was pretty big, but I've lost touch with a lot of those people outside of social media contact.

+1 volunteering and having the kids in the soccer team associated with the school helped me get to know other parents since that gives you more time to hang out and chat, ask people out for lunch afterwards, etc. My kids are in college now and a lot of those connections have faded but I still have a weekly coffee date with a small set of close friends who I all initially met on the soccer sidelines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made friends through volunteering at DCs' K-8. My DCs are 17 and 21 now, and I have two "for life" friends from that experience---we still socialize regularly as individuals, couples, and families. When my DCs were still in elementary school the wider circle was pretty big, but I've lost touch with a lot of those people outside of social media contact.

+1 volunteering and having the kids in the soccer team associated with the school helped me get to know other parents since that gives you more time to hang out and chat, ask people out for lunch afterwards, etc. My kids are in college now and a lot of those connections have faded but I still have a weekly coffee date with a small set of close friends who I all initially met on the soccer sidelines.

And, +1 to looking to connect with families where the child your kid's age is their oldest/same gender. In this long-lasting group, we all had boys in K when we met and no older children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DS (my oldest) started K last fall. We were relatively new to the area and I was excited to use school as an opportunity to meet other parents. Over the course of the school year, there were 2 families that we ended up connecting with and having our kids do some playdates. There were other parents that I met throughout the year who I liked, but sometimes it did not seem like they were interested in connecting (e.g., if they had older kids and a busy schedule). At times it felt a bit like I was back in high school trying to navigate the social scene...not something I've felt I had to do in years!

I'd love to hear about other people's experiences connecting with other parents (particularly interested in the early elementary school years).

Specifically:
- How old are your kids and how many other parents/families would you say that you are close to or that your kids have regular playdates with?
- How long did it take to get to the point of feeling like you were actually friends?
- Are you someone who tends to initiate playdates? How do you decide when a good time to ask would be? Personally I tend not to initiate, or I might say something like "it would be great to have a playdate sometime" without actually scheduling something, as I'm not sure if the other person is interested.
- Any advice for someone who is eager to make friends, but understands that everyone is busy or may already have enough people in their lives?

All of this varies tremendously. My eldest is going into 1st in the Fall (same age as your child) and I also have two younger children who will be in half day preschool (4’s and 2’s classes; the 4 yo will be in school 25 hours/week and the youngest will be in school 6 hours). My husband and I both work, so we rely on our nanny to initiate most play dates during the week. I initiate a few playdates for one of my children during the week and then do a lot for my oldest child over the weekend. We also try to coordinate activities and camps with friends and siblings’ activities.

For friends, it really depends on personalities and as the kids get older, overlap in school or activities.

I initiate playdates for my oldest if I like the other mom. Some moms in my oldest child’s class are really snobby (we are at an expensive private outside NYC) and standoffish. My oldest child will be going into year 3 at their school in the fall, so I’ve accepted that this is how it is and have moved on. There are a lot of great moms that I like hanging out with and consider good acquaintances but maybe not quite friends.

If you are making friends through your kids and not on your own your kids are going to drive who you are spending time with a lot of the time. You’ll initiate play dates based on who your child wants to play with or that’s what I do. If my child doesn’t get along with another child then I’m not going to set up a play date with that child’s mom because that would be messed up.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

Yeah, I've never seen anything like this in real life. It will be interesting to see what happens to this so-close group of TWENTY families when the divorces start. I predict at least three couples will be involved in cheating within the group. One woman will lose her shit over it and the rest will drop her in an attempt to cling to what they had before. One man will start bringing 22 yo strippers to family events, and will stop being invited. This is all just an interminable advice column letter waiting to happen. "Couples A - S have been friends for 9 years. Couple L was having some trouble, and Mr. L starting flirting with Mrs Q. It was awkward, but it was pretty innocent compared to what happened next..."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

Yeah, I've never seen anything like this in real life. It will be interesting to see what happens to this so-close group of TWENTY families when the divorces start. I predict at least three couples will be involved in cheating within the group. One woman will lose her shit over it and the rest will drop her in an attempt to cling to what they had before. One man will start bringing 22 yo strippers to family events, and will stop being invited. This is all just an interminable advice column letter waiting to happen. "Couples A - S have been friends for 9 years. Couple L was having some trouble, and Mr. L starting flirting with Mrs Q. It was awkward, but it was pretty innocent compared to what happened next..."

Travel hockey is a notorious playground for affairs. Real Housewives of Travel Hockey... I would watch it. Or how about a White Lotus season set at a tournament?

[Anonymous]

OP, there are 2 separate things: Friends for you. Friends for your child. Do not approach this combining the two. It could happen, it's nice when it happens, but don't approach it this way.

Your kid likes another kid, you work to make that friendship happen. With zero expectations re: your own friendship needs.

You want to make friends? There's no magic short-cut. Work at it. For yourself. Yes you are likely to each discuss your kids, some. But respect that your kid deserves their privacy.

Your kid is a social animal independent from you.

Finding topics to talk about with other women, other than the specifics about your kid, will create a stronger friendship that lasts longer than other "situational" acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

Why are you calling that person a weirdo?

I have a few group of friends we travel with. In the younger years, we did stuff like that, not 13 moms, more like 4-6 moms.

My oldest is now a teenager and I miss those earlier years when we would all just go to the beach or any trip together. We bought a beach house recently and we have been having 3-4 groups of friends go with us per year. We go on a ski trip with friends once a year.

PP isn’t as weird as you are suggesting. Some people are more social than others.

I often see families travel with cousins and friends. It isn’t so weird to also have close friends to travel with. I come from a very small family as my extended family lives overseas. I have more close friends or we say friends like family.

I'm part of a group of 4 families that travel together several times a year. (Two of the families own vacation properties, so that is some of the travel.) We met when each of our oldest child was in preschool together. Meeting friends through preschool is such a different ballgame than ES age. Everyone -- particularly if its their first kid -- seems so thirsty to make friends, and they are less busy with their kids' bazillion activities during those early years. Our kids aren't even really close friends anymore (they went on to different ESs); these are genuine friendships -- we met through preschool but grew to connect as people not just parents. That took work and effort, BTW.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

Why are you calling that person a weirdo?

I have a few group of friends we travel with. In the younger years, we did stuff like that, not 13 moms, more like 4-6 moms.

My oldest is now a teenager and I miss those earlier years when we would all just go to the beach or any trip together. We bought a beach house recently and we have been having 3-4 groups of friends go with us per year. We go on a ski trip with friends once a year.

PP isn’t as weird as you are suggesting. Some people are more social than others.

I often see families travel with cousins and friends. It isn’t so weird to also have close friends to travel with. I come from a very small family as my extended family lives overseas. I have more close friends or we say friends like family.

I'm part of a group of 4 families that travel together several times a year. (Two of the families own vacation properties, so that is some of the travel.) We met when each of our oldest child was in preschool together. Meeting friends through preschool is such a different ballgame than ES age. Everyone -- particularly if its their first kid -- seems so thirsty to make friends, and they are less busy with their kids' bazillion activities during those early years. Our kids aren't even really close friends anymore (they went on to different ESs); these are genuine friendships -- we met through preschool but grew to connect as people not just parents. That took work and effort, BTW.

OP here - I agree with your comment about meeting friends through preschool! I found it quite easy to get to know other parents through daycares/preschools where we used to live, especially since many of the parents we met were on their first kid (just like us). But here, seems like, in my kid's class at least, there are way more kids with older siblings for whatever reason, so I get that they don't have time or energy to coordinate an active social life for their youngest kid.

I also agree with others' comments about keeping my social life and my kids' separate. Tbh I'm not looking for a best friend here; I think at this stage of my life I would love to just find other families that we click with and where our kids also get along, and if the time we spend together is just hanging out as families at each other's houses or on trips, that's totally fine with me. I don't really need a buddy to get lunch or go the spa with; I don't have much time outside work and taking care of kids anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

Why are you calling that person a weirdo?

I have a few group of friends we travel with. In the younger years, we did stuff like that, not 13 moms, more like 4-6 moms.

My oldest is now a teenager and I miss those earlier years when we would all just go to the beach or any trip together. We bought a beach house recently and we have been having 3-4 groups of friends go with us per year. We go on a ski trip with friends once a year.

PP isn’t as weird as you are suggesting. Some people are more social than others.

I often see families travel with cousins and friends. It isn’t so weird to also have close friends to travel with. I come from a very small family as my extended family lives overseas. I have more close friends or we say friends like family.

I'm part of a group of 4 families that travel together several times a year. (Two of the families own vacation properties, so that is some of the travel.) We met when each of our oldest child was in preschool together. Meeting friends through preschool is such a different ballgame than ES age. Everyone -- particularly if its their first kid -- seems so thirsty to make friends, and they are less busy with their kids' bazillion activities during those early years. Our kids aren't even really close friends anymore (they went on to different ESs); these are genuine friendships -- we met through preschool but grew to connect as people not just parents. That took work and effort, BTW.

OP here - I agree with your comment about meeting friends through preschool! I found it quite easy to get to know other parents through daycares/preschools where we used to live, especially since many of the parents we met were on their first kid (just like us). But here, seems like, in my kid's class at least, there are way more kids with older siblings for whatever reason, so I get that they don't have time or energy to coordinate an active social life for their youngest kid.

I also agree with others' comments about keeping my social life and my kids' separate. Tbh I'm not looking for a best friend here; I think at this stage of my life I would love to just find other families that we click with and where our kids also get along, and if the time we spend together is just hanging out as families at each other's houses or on trips, that's totally fine with me. I don't really need a buddy to get lunch or go the spa with; I don't have much time outside work and taking care of kids anyways.

I’m the PP PP oldest a teen now. One of my closest friend that I met when kids were young moved with elementary kids. She is one of the friendliest nicest people I have ever met and she is having a hard time making friends in her forties with elementary aged kids. She said everyone seems to already have established friends and hard to break through. Play dates are not whole family affairs in elementary. Birthday parties don’t include parents.

I have 3 kids with different interests. My middle child is the most social, in the most teams including various travel sports. You really bond when you go away together for tournaments staying in same hotel, eating together, cheering kids on.

I also recommend scouts. I’m currently a scout leader for my youngest and I have gotten know all the parents. Again, the overnights is where you bond when you spend a lot of time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

It’s pretty normal for many families. Not sure why this is so upsetting for you. You’re the weird one. Worry about yourself ,the OP is asking how to get closer to other families.

Just want to point out that you didn't actually answer OP's question, though, you just bragged about your friendships. So how did you get to this point, PP. Us jealous folks want to know.

Yes, I did. I said plan dinners with existing groups like a casual pizza get together after a practice or organize the last game of the season. Use that text group to plan things. Everyone likes an inclusive group. I also said be helpful and offer to carpool with a few people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

It’s pretty normal for many families. Not sure why this is so upsetting for you. You’re the weird one. Worry about yourself ,the OP is asking how to get closer to other families.

Just want to point out that you didn't actually answer OP's question, though, you just bragged about your friendships. So how did you get to this point, PP. Us jealous folks want to know.

Yes, I did. I said plan dinners with existing groups like a casual pizza get together after a practice or organize the last game of the season. Use that text group to plan things. Everyone likes an inclusive group. I also said be helpful and offer to carpool with a few people.

Another social person here. I also host the entire team, invite everyone to birthday parties, did class parties when kids were younger. I threw a Halloween party and invited DD’s kindergarten class. Another year I did a cookie decorating holiday party. This past year, I hosted a cookie exchange. We also do Friendsgiving and invite 10+ families. Also host Super Bowl every year.

I also host a lot of play dates.

[Anonymous]

If I were OP, I would join the pta, scouts, soccer, t ball, basketball, swim team. These are all fast ways to meet many people. You should click with someone.