Making friends with other parents through school

[Anonymous]

DS (my oldest) started K last fall. We were relatively new to the area and I was excited to use school as an opportunity to meet other parents. Over the course of the school year, there were 2 families that we ended up connecting with and having our kids do some playdates. There were other parents that I met throughout the year who I liked, but sometimes it did not seem like they were interested in connecting (e.g., if they had older kids and a busy schedule). At times it felt a bit like I was back in high school trying to navigate the social scene...not something I've felt I had to do in years!

I'd love to hear about other people's experiences connecting with other parents (particularly interested in the early elementary school years).

Specifically:
- How old are your kids and how many other parents/families would you say that you are close to or that your kids have regular playdates with?
- How long did it take to get to the point of feeling like you were actually friends?
- Are you someone who tends to initiate playdates? How do you decide when a good time to ask would be? Personally I tend not to initiate, or I might say something like "it would be great to have a playdate sometime" without actually scheduling something, as I'm not sure if the other person is interested.
- Any advice for someone who is eager to make friends, but understands that everyone is busy or may already have enough people in their lives?

[Anonymous]

My advice is to make friends outside of your kid’s friends’ parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make friends outside of your kid’s friends’ parents.

Lol - that seems way hard to do than just meeting parents you see through your kids' activities, class parties, etc. where you already have something in common.

[Anonymous]

We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make friends outside of your kid’s friends’ parents.

+1

Your post presents as very intense. Few people have patience for that during this phase of life. We're all busy with kids, careers, family, home repair, staying healthy, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

[Anonymous]

I'm coming at it from a bit of distance-- my kids are teens. I'm afraid this is not the place to invest all your social energy.

By all means enjoy those parents! but don't count on them to be your lifelong friends in a new place. I think a lot of people are disappointed at how what felt like close friendships on the playground fade away as the kids move on to other things. If your kids are the primary thing you have in common, well, the kids will change. And your connection to those friends is likely (not guaranteed) to change as well.

I feel you: making friends in this area is incredibly hard. And if you have young children, it's tough to find the time to cultivate friendships based on mutual interest. The convenience of school/ parent friends is tempting. But it's a shortcut, and like most shortcuts, the benefits are self-limiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm coming at it from a bit of distance-- my kids are teens. I'm afraid this is not the place to invest all your social energy.

By all means enjoy those parents! but don't count on them to be your lifelong friends in a new place. I think a lot of people are disappointed at how what felt like close friendships on the playground fade away as the kids move on to other things. If your kids are the primary thing you have in common, well, the kids will change. And your connection to those friends is likely (not guaranteed) to change as well.

I feel you: making friends in this area is incredibly hard. And if you have young children, it's tough to find the time to cultivate friendships based on mutual interest. The convenience of school/ parent friends is tempting. But it's a shortcut, and like most shortcuts, the benefits are self-limiting.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm coming at it from a bit of distance-- my kids are teens. I'm afraid this is not the place to invest all your social energy.

By all means enjoy those parents! but don't count on them to be your lifelong friends in a new place. I think a lot of people are disappointed at how what felt like close friendships on the playground fade away as the kids move on to other things. If your kids are the primary thing you have in common, well, the kids will change. And your connection to those friends is likely (not guaranteed) to change as well.

I feel you: making friends in this area is incredibly hard. And if you have young children, it's tough to find the time to cultivate friendships based on mutual interest. The convenience of school/ parent friends is tempting. But it's a shortcut, and like most shortcuts, the benefits are self-limiting.

+1

+1000. But it is good to have some school friends, even if you know it's a stage of life. Try making playdate invites to kids who are also the oldest/only. When the other mom drops off, ask if she'd like a Spindrift or something and you can sit and chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to make friends outside of your kid’s friends’ parents.

+1

Your post presents as very intense. Few people have patience for that during this phase of life. We're all busy with kids, careers, family, home repair, staying healthy, etc.

OP here - oops, I did not mean that! I promise I am fairly laid back, I was just trying to formulate my thoughts in a way that would get some specific answers.

I recognize that for now, these types of friendships are not that deep. I'm not on the lookout for lifelong friends or anything; I just want to be part of some sort of community that I lost when I moved way from where I used to live. At least for me, the actual "close friends" that I've made throughout my life really come when you see someone repeatedly for a long period of time and also get along well enough where you feel really comfortable with each other. Obviously, that takes time.

[Anonymous]

My kid is 13.
My best friends are the mom friends I made when DD was a toddler. I joined a moms group back then and have stayed very good friends with 4-5 of those moms. kids are all at different schools now but we see each other quite a bit.
My kid started at a private in 4th and I have 1-2 friends from school but it was hard work. The friends I have are because our kids are friends.

[Anonymous]

Don't conflate your kids' social life with yours. But it's convenient when the two dovetail.

In the DC area, you can't do back-and-forth planning (sending out feelers on what events would be of interest, coordinating to pick a date together, etc) unless you are close friends. Pick a date and a time, and invite. If the other family says no and doesn't give a reason, it's ok to invite again later. Also, change up your invitations (at home, meet at a park, just kids vs. with the whole family, moms only, weekday vs. weekend, day vs. evening, etc).

Families become more busy as their kids get older. Focus on families with oldest/onlies or plan farther ahead, and be ready to jump on last-minute opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm coming at it from a bit of distance-- my kids are teens. I'm afraid this is not the place to invest all your social energy.

By all means enjoy those parents! but don't count on them to be your lifelong friends in a new place. I think a lot of people are disappointed at how what felt like close friendships on the playground fade away as the kids move on to other things. If your kids are the primary thing you have in common, well, the kids will change. And your connection to those friends is likely (not guaranteed) to change as well.

I feel you: making friends in this area is incredibly hard. And if you have young children, it's tough to find the time to cultivate friendships based on mutual interest. The convenience of school/ parent friends is tempting. But it's a shortcut, and like most shortcuts, the benefits are self-limiting.

I agree with this. I have teens and a tween and my youngest is 7. I haven't bothered making friends from school since my younger teen was in K and probably haven’t spoken to them since she was in 3rd. Friendships for kids change a lot, once your kid doesn’t really want to be friends with that kid anymore or they don’t want to be friends with yours it’s hard to stay friends with the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is 13.
My best friends are the mom friends I made when DD was a toddler. I joined a moms group back then and have stayed very good friends with 4-5 of those moms. kids are all at different schools now but we see each other quite a bit.
My kid started at a private in 4th and I have 1-2 friends from school but it was hard work. The friends I have are because our kids are friends.

Is your kid still friends with the kids of the 4-5 moms (and you all hang out together), or is it just you and the other moms who are friends now?

[Anonymous]

I’ll be a bit more optimistic, OP. My kids are high school and college aged now but my closest local friends are the ones I met in the k-4 or k-5 years. Many were also SAHMs at the time not all. Almost none are SAHMs anymore. I value their friendship as much as my friends from my hometown and my college friends. I never had/wanted close work friends. No regrets about making our kids friend’s families our friends. In many cases, the kids friend group changed but the parents are still our closest friends.
This is obviously very school specific. We were at a small school with lots of active parents.
I was also lucky there were planners among my kids friends. The type to host cocktails, or set up a post game pizza party in the park, or host dinner parties. It was soon obvious which families showed up to everything and which never showed up.
Good luck OP!