Entering an EA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need therapy. How is cheating going to fix your marriage? Why abandon your integrity because DH did? You are clearly looking for justifications to cheat. There is no way to rationalize it because it’s never the answer. Nothing he did makes it ok.

Unconsciously, this is about punishing her husband and taking back what is understandably lost . It’s also the hoops of an exit. Typical cheater vibe. They’ll justify it to the world be rather than take their own responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

Right. Instead of either leaving or actually trying to improve their marriage, be present and communicate honestly, these people take the slimy, no integrity, coward's approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

Right. Instead of either leaving or actually trying to improve their marriage, be present and communicate honestly, these people take the slimy, no integrity, coward's approach.

OP. So there’s really not much to improve - both H and I have tried but ultimately he’s just really not interested in me. We’ve tried to communicate and he’s admitted he just doesn’t have strong romantic feelings for me because I’m not his “type”.

We could end it but it seems ridiculous to uproot our kids lives over this.

I’ve brought up an open marriage which he’s against. So not really sure what else I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

Right. Instead of either leaving or actually trying to improve their marriage, be present and communicate honestly, these people take the slimy, no integrity, coward's approach.

Or…the efforts to improve the marriage and communicate honestly have not resulted in any changes, so whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

I am sorry you had this experience. My case is different and not universal. I don’t regret about not engaging in a pointless fight - that’s not how I want to spend my time with the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

I am sorry you had this experience. My case is different and not universal. I don’t regret about not engaging in a pointless fight - that’s not how I want to spend my time with the family.

OP. This is exactly how I feel. Ultimately I want to spend time with H, but every time I bring up “hey it’s been a few weeks since we’ve spent time together/gone on a date/had sex” it turns into an argument where he airs every grievance against me like “well I called you in the middle of the workday and you couldn’t even talk for 10 minutes! YOU need to put in the effort!” And like….at this point I’d rather just go elsewhere than have every bid for connection turn into an argument.

[Anonymous]

My coworker and I started as an EA and now it’s a PA. Very hard to keep just EA when you interact and see each other daily.

I don’t know how things will end but it will be hard and painful since we have feelings for each other.

Let me paraphrase for you "me me me me me." I cannot relate at all to people with no conscience and no integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

I could give you all sorts of reasons based on integrity and your love for your kids and everything, but the real answer to this is because you will pay a price for it much higher than any rush it ever gave you. Read up on the hormones of falling in love, how we bond to other people and why that biologically makes sense. That's all that this is. And those hormones feel GOOD. And we don't have them for our long time partner.

But they will end. Maybe not right away, because an affair involves intermittent reinforcement and wanting what you can't have, so the pining lasts longer. But it won't come to any good.

So sure, if it was just have this EA today and then walk away unscathed tomorrow, a fair number of people would say it wasn't the worst thing considering your husband's history. But that's not how this will go. Don't lie to yourself about it. You had enough self-awareness to admit that you're having an EA; that's a good start. Keep going and choose good things for yourself and your kids (and, yes, your H too). And choose good things for your coworker. Is a married woman with kids what's good for him right now? If it is, then he's got his own problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

The guy at work is a dirtbag, surely you know that. Don't be a dirtbag yourself, OP.

Exactly. And if you must be a dirtbag, have the human decency to get a divorce first.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you set boundaries up front with the EA and leave zero trace for your husband to find out. That means no texting or messaging on social media.

[Anonymous]

He just wants in you your pantie$.

[Anonymous]

A PP nailed it...don't poop where you eat, OP. Do you really want to jeopardize your career for this? Because in these situations, the woman always gets the short end of the stick regardless of how things went. ("He's just a man, she's a whore.") And it will be that way, especially in your case, with you being much older than the OM. If you are hell-bent on doing this (and I would not recommend it, BTDT and nothing good ultimately came out of it) then find someone you have no outside connection with so if/when it goes south you can just walk away.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s terrible that you are even considering acting on your wild thoughts. Seriously terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

When my wife had an affair what my therapist told me frankly shocked me. She told me that women will cheat if they are not emotionally happy. She went further by claiming that such behavior from women is normal because women are very emotional. That was her lame attempt to convince me to take my cheating wife back. I didn't..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your coworker actually interested in you or 1. are they just bored at work or 2. do they need you for something work related?

OP. It’s really a combination of all 3. He’s nearly 10 years younger so I know he doesn’t take any of it seriously. It’s a lot of flirting and talking about our lives.

For sure it’s boredom on both of our parts. We both WFH so we get bored and lonely. We both help each other out with work stuff.

For the record I don’t expect this is going to lead to me leaving H and he and I ride off into the sunset. Like I’m very clear I’m not blowing up my kids’ lives and he’s very clear he plans on settling down and having his own kids. It’s more like, I’m lonely in my marriage, he’s lonely because he focuses so much on work he doesn’t date, we vibe, so we talk and flirt a lot.

OP I responded very early in your thread and now that you have added more details I can tell you that I have been in virtually the EXACT same situation as you:

unhappy marriage long term
11 year younger guy
WFH, both pretty bored and entertaining each other during the day
both pretty lonely and in a bad place
hours long conversations

Please, please, please don't do anything with this dude. Back off. This was several years ago but in retrospect I am SO EMBARRASSED of my behavior even though my other coworkers don't seem to have noticed anything and it never got past a "close friendship." Nothing really happened. I was crushing so hard on this guy and I realized later it wasn't reciprocated, I was just very lonely and he was just friendly/flirty and a young dude with nothing better to do. I don't know what he thought of me, I know we were friends, but it was definitely more meaningful to me than it was to him. It was sort of my dream that this guy had a crush on me. Ugh. So embarrassing. Just drop it and keep things friendly and professional. Please! I am cringing just thinking about it!!!