Uncertain future after divorce scares the heck out of me

[Anonymous]

Whatever your gender, op, it takes at least a year to even file for divorce. That means your ex had and probably used a lot of opportunities to tell you they weren’t happy and you did absolutely nothing. If you didn’t cheat, and maybe you didn’t, you very likely gave priority to everything but your spouse.
My husband and I got into it this morning because he prioritized a volunteer commitment over our kids’ activities. He commented on why I can’t be nice and why did we bother to volunteer and I told him that the leader of the organization cancels these meetings whenever she feels like it so I’ve stopped making them a priority. I pointed out that my husband was talking to me like a coworker not a beloved spouse. I told him that my kids are the priority, neither one of them can get themselves to their activities and they both need to be doing these activities because I am raising leaders of tomorrow. In other words, if the lady in charge of the organization we volunteer with *didn’t* cancel meetings, I might just care a little more.
All this is fine to have with a coworker or someone you aren’t married to, it’s annoying af to do it with your spouse who also needs you to be loving and kid.
The conversation with my husband wasn’t all that bad, but it could have gotten ugly and I can see myself saying “If this keeps up, you can do all the volunteering you want because I won’t be living with you, and actually meaning it. I was that annoyed because one of my roles in the organization is to handle the meetings when the leader can’t be there, yet instead of doing that, she just cancels. So, I decided that since I can’t just cancel, I can do other things like not show up because both my kids have activities tonight.
My point in all this is that you probably neglected your marriage to the point where your ex decided you’d be happier doing your own thing and you found out that that thing whatever it was wasn’t there to hang out with you on Friday night. You also found out that those people you used to live with who prevented you from doing that thing weren’t so bad after all.
This is why I say it’s crucial married people take care of their marriage and prioritize each other. This volunteer org can get 2 people just like my husband and me, and it will have to because we can’t serve forever. My kids can’t get new parents and while my husband and I could always end the marriage, neither of us want to which doesn’t mean I’m chill with prioritizing a random organization with a poor leader over my kids, and I’m really not chill with being told I made a commitment. I did, to my husband and my kids. I also made a commitment to an org where I expected to be there once a month. The leader didn’t want that so my commitment is over, I’m there if and when I want to be and tonight isn’t it. I don’t need my husband lecturing about commitment.
I’d suggest talking with your ex if you want them back. Let them know they will be your main concern above absolutely everything else. If they are supposed to go out with friends and you want them home, they stay home. Whatever you guys decide you need and want, that’s what happens. If you prefer your own thing, well, you’ve now got it, op. Your spouse didn’t or you wouldn’t be posting.
I want to feel sorry, but I don’t. You made all this happen. At least now, op, but at least now you’ve got the time to do whatever you want, except probably be with the people you love more then anything. Enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you got caught cheating or were cheating and thought you’d end up with AP or that you could do better than your husband.

OP is a man. No woman would say she feels like a "total loser". A divorced female would be on dating sites dating endlessly.

You really think this sounds like a guy?

“I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.”

I definitely think this sounds like a guy. Women express one of two things post-divorce: anxiety over finances, or relief to be out from under the constant stress of an unhappy home (or both). Very, very few women cut and run without trying. Once we're done, we're done.

Really? I know a ton of women who didn't want the divorce and would take their husbands back in a heartbeat. Life isn't better seeing your kids half the time.

This is me. I am so, so sad for me and my kids. If he just showed 1 ounce of regret for his long-time affair and be open to try to save our marriage/family, I would agree and give all my energy to work on it. but he won't. it's devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is completely lacking in your post is any love or feeling for your ex-husband, glaringly so.

You want the lifestyle again. Your envisioned single girl life was t the Shangri-La you thought it would be.

You still don’t care about him at all—just your vision of grandkids and travel. Now you don’t have the funds to travel and have to split time with the grandkids—w/out a yard for them to play in.

Hmm, I read the post as being written by a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Whatever your gender, op, it takes at least a year to even file for divorce. That means your ex had and probably used a lot of opportunities to tell you they weren’t happy and you did absolutely nothing. If you didn’t cheat, and maybe you didn’t, you very likely gave priority to everything but your spouse.
My husband and I got into it this morning because he prioritized a volunteer commitment over our kids’ activities. He commented on why I can’t be nice and why did we bother to volunteer and I told him that the leader of the organization cancels these meetings whenever she feels like it so I’ve stopped making them a priority. I pointed out that my husband was talking to me like a coworker not a beloved spouse. I told him that my kids are the priority, neither one of them can get themselves to their activities and they both need to be doing these activities because I am raising leaders of tomorrow. In other words, if the lady in charge of the organization we volunteer with *didn’t* cancel meetings, I might just care a little more.
All this is fine to have with a coworker or someone you aren’t married to, it’s annoying af to do it with your spouse who also needs you to be loving and kid.
The conversation with my husband wasn’t all that bad, but it could have gotten ugly and I can see myself saying “If this keeps up, you can do all the volunteering you want because I won’t be living with you, and actually meaning it. I was that annoyed because one of my roles in the organization is to handle the meetings when the leader can’t be there, yet instead of doing that, she just cancels. So, I decided that since I can’t just cancel, I can do other things like not show up because both my kids have activities tonight.
My point in all this is that you probably neglected your marriage to the point where your ex decided you’d be happier doing your own thing and you found out that that thing whatever it was wasn’t there to hang out with you on Friday night. You also found out that those people you used to live with who prevented you from doing that thing weren’t so bad after all.
This is why I say it’s crucial married people take care of their marriage and prioritize each other. This volunteer org can get 2 people just like my husband and me, and it will have to because we can’t serve forever. My kids can’t get new parents and while my husband and I could always end the marriage, neither of us want to which doesn’t mean I’m chill with prioritizing a random organization with a poor leader over my kids, and I’m really not chill with being told I made a commitment. I did, to my husband and my kids. I also made a commitment to an org where I expected to be there once a month. The leader didn’t want that so my commitment is over, I’m there if and when I want to be and tonight isn’t it. I don’t need my husband lecturing about commitment.
I’d suggest talking with your ex if you want them back. Let them know they will be your main concern above absolutely everything else. If they are supposed to go out with friends and you want them home, they stay home. Whatever you guys decide you need and want, that’s what happens. If you prefer your own thing, well, you’ve now got it, op. Your spouse didn’t or you wouldn’t be posting.
I want to feel sorry, but I don’t. You made all this happen. At least now, op, but at least now you’ve got the time to do whatever you want, except probably be with the people you love more then anything. Enjoy it.

I need to remember this story for the next time DH and I argue. If I said I was “raising leaders of tomorrow,” we would both laugh so hard we’d forget what we were fighting about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make your own happiness. Work on yourself. Join a divorce support group. Join a gym. Try a new sport (tennis or golf for example). There is no reason to feel like a loser. Divorce is common. You need to move forward and stop thinking of the past.

Agree with this! I imagine you divorced for a good reason - don’t forget that. Now you can work on yourself, and the world is your oyster! Friends, relationships, health, travel, hobbies. Invest in yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you got caught cheating or were cheating and thought you’d end up with AP or that you could do better than your husband.

OP is a man. No woman would say she feels like a "total loser". A divorced female would be on dating sites dating endlessly.

You really think this sounds like a guy?

“I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.”

I definitely think this sounds like a guy. Women express one of two things post-divorce: anxiety over finances, or relief to be out from under the constant stress of an unhappy home (or both). Very, very few women cut and run without trying. Once we're done, we're done.

Really? I know a ton of women who didn't want the divorce and would take their husbands back in a heartbeat. Life isn't better seeing your kids half the time.

This is me. I am so, so sad for me and my kids. If he just showed 1 ounce of regret for his long-time affair and be open to try to save our marriage/family, I would agree and give all my energy to work on it. but he won't. it's devastating.

Who actually filed? Did he stop seeing her?

[Anonymous]

I bought a house.

I visit my kids at college.

They, some years live with me in the summer.

I have great friends and family who I visit often

I’m so busy having fun I can’t obsess over grandchildren that have not been born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Every now and then, there is a post like yours on DCUM. Regrets after divorce, particularly about living alone.

I find it interesting that the disappointed people didn't think this through. Either the marriage is so bad that living alone is a relief, or the marriage is not so bad, and you'd better figure out before you walk whether you're OK with living alone and never finding a companion ever again.

You'll have to power through, OP.

You can be sad that your life didn’t work out as planned and at the same time also know that leaving was necessary. Not everyone leaves for a grass is greener fantasy. A lot of people particularly those leaving an abusive situation didn’t want to divorce or lead a divorced life and just recognized that staying was not an option. There is a lot of grief when you thought you would be living a coupled life and are not (and wouldn’t be if you stayed either).

[Anonymous]

Stick to remembering the moment when you knew you needed divorce. Don't look back. I used to beat myself up for the way it happened, but I had a flashback to when my ex said he wasn't going to work on himself or the relationship at all while I was doing everything I could - individual therapy and couples - and so I know no matter what I did it wouldn't have worked. To stay married I would've had to swallow my needs for the next 45 years (I was 40 at the time).

I'm actually excelling and even though finances are harder and I have my down days - probably about 1/7 - I just focus on the things within my control, see my therapist weekly, learn about personal finance, and do and enjoy the things I never would've gotten to do if I stayed married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Every now and then, there is a post like yours on DCUM. Regrets after divorce, particularly about living alone.

I find it interesting that the disappointed people didn't think this through. Either the marriage is so bad that living alone is a relief, or the marriage is not so bad, and you'd better figure out before you walk whether you're OK with living alone and never finding a companion ever again.

You'll have to power through, OP.

You can be sad that your life didn’t work out as planned and at the same time also know that leaving was necessary. Not everyone leaves for a grass is greener fantasy. A lot of people particularly those leaving an abusive situation didn’t want to divorce or lead a divorced life and just recognized that staying was not an option. There is a lot of grief when you thought you would be living a coupled life and are not (and wouldn’t be if you stayed either).

This. OP read Maggie Smith's book You Can Make This Place Beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ then she’s an idiot for choosing divorce.

She was probably advised to divorce by this very board! That's the first piece advice anyone gets here when they discuss a problem. And they are made to feel like an idiot if they stay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is completely lacking in your post is any love or feeling for your ex-husband, glaringly so.

You want the lifestyle again. Your envisioned single girl life was t the Shangri-La you thought it would be.

You still don’t care about him at all—just your vision of grandkids and travel. Now you don’t have the funds to travel and have to split time with the grandkids—w/out a yard for them to play in.

Hmm, I read the post as being written by a man.

NP, I read it as being written by a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[/b]What is completely lacking in your post is any love or feeling for your ex-husband, glaringly so.
[b]
You want the lifestyle again. Your envisioned single girl life was t the Shangri-La you thought it would be.

You still don’t care about him at all—just your vision of grandkids and travel. Now you don’t have the funds to travel and have to split time with the grandkids—w/out a yard for them to play in.

+1 he’d be a fool to take you back since even after the divorce, you take him for granted. No talk of missing him.

My god, some of these responders are cruel. You have no idea why OP divorced and she isn’t saying that she wants her ex back, she is saying that divorce stinks and majorly shakes up your world. A failed marriage doesn’t mean someone didn’t love the construct of marriage. It doesn’t mean that even in the best case divorce scenario, seeing your kids only 50% of the time isnt gut wrenching.

OPs husband could have cheated on her. He could have lied to. He could have had a gambling addiction that bankrupt the family. He could have been a narcissist. Or they could have just been at each others throats all the time and raising their kids in a toxic environment. Why do you assume the worst about OP? Seriously what is wrong with people here?

I’m sorry for what you’re going through OP. Divorce is a major loss in so many ways. Are you talking to anyone about your grief? Maybe connecting with other people who are also recently divorced? Spending time with family or friends who can help cheer you up while you’re not with your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ then she’s an idiot for choosing divorce.

She was probably advised to divorce by this very board! That's the first piece advice anyone gets here when they discuss a problem. And they are made to feel like an idiot if they stay!

No, it's not. Read the other posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced a couple of years ago. Have been extremely uncomfortable from a mental/emotional standpoint since, mostly because my future feels so uncertain.

Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.

With divorce, that idea is no more. I live in an apartment, I see my kids half the time, and I feel so lost. I feel like a total loser. I went into divorce knowing it would be hard, but I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.

Anyone out there experience similar feelings? I don’t know how to get past this and I find myself fantasizing about pre-divorce life, wondering if I made a mistake.

OP, I’m in the process now after a long marriage. It was not my decision. I’m really struggling with the things you mention. My future will look very different now and I’m scared and sad and resentful. I’m seeing a therapist and trying to work on myself in hopes of making peace with the whole thing, but I would really like a magic wand or a fast forward button.