Why does my mother minimize me in favor of praising my husband?

[Anonymous]

She is emotionally smart, and you are not. She knows if he is happy with her and generally happy, he will be nice to you, and he will be fine with you spending a lot of time with them.
Obviously, you did not inherit her emotional IQ. She is doing this for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well my husband was a terrible houseguest at their house a few years ago during Covid (rude, liud, broke things & hid them or blamed others, ate their gifted desserts because he woke up at 4am their time the whole couple weeks).

Anyhow, she had was trying to teach him how to use an appliance and he flew into a rage at 7am. The kids were scared, she got angry, my dad came down and kicked him out to a hotel.

And for two years or until he apologized, which he won’t he’s too stubborn and belligerent, he blames her for “arguing back at him.”

So now every time I ask a question or he tries that with me, I get called my Mom and “where do you get that from”? Complete insanity and DARVO. He is asd and bipolar so need to get he kids older and more independent and able to set boundaries with him. He gaslights them too.

So id love your situation Op.

Why don't you divorce that narcissist?

[Anonymous]

My mom does this too. I ignore it and also trained myself not to need her appreciation or approval. It sucks but they won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Look at Karpman’s triangle. It might help you understand her triangulation, so you can navigate around it.

My mom triangulates. She will also do this with my sibling and go on and on about how great they are for “doing all the work.” Meanwhile, I’ve done 50%.

I found if I join her with the praise that she loses interest. So, I’ll support her comments with, “Yes, Larla is amazing. I loved the pie she made. Isn’t it the best?”

When my mom sees that her words don’t get to me, she fizzles out. This was fun to watch. 😄

I got her onto medication, so she does this less than she once did.

She also likes to spend time insulting my sister. She can go on for ten minutes about how my sibling doesn’t help and how “you shouldn’t have to do all the work.” I think she is trying to make me mad at my sibling. Sadly, this used to work and I fell for it many times. Not anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Praise the man, blame the woman. She probably grew up with the schematic and replicates it without even realizing it.

+1 plus, my mom has always found fault in me and has never praised me. I have been told that I have an amazing singing voice (used to sing at church), and lots of people would praise me for my singing ability to my mom, but she has never once praised me for it.

I think deep down she is jealous of me. I make the most out of my entire family, even the men -- my brother, BIL, and even DH now. I am the only female of my and my mother's generation to have a college degree. I have traveled some (want to do more). I got married later and had children later, and I think she also looks down on me for that (cultural and generational). She stated that my sister (who is a sahm) has a better life than I do, while I was in the room, but my sister said I had the better life.

My mom has made these kinds of passive aggressive comments to me my whole life. I don't speak to her very often, and even when I do, it's brief.

Your mom does it because you have an annoying personality. You seem arrogant and selfish. You probably look down on her and your family. She thinks your sister has a better life because she’s probably more family oriented and care more about people and the family.
You have more money, you care more about money, you probably don’t help the family.
She values relationships and kindness more than money or the fact that you singer better than everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Praise the man, blame the woman. She probably grew up with the schematic and replicates it without even realizing it.

+1 plus, my mom has always found fault in me and has never praised me. I have been told that I have an amazing singing voice (used to sing at church), and lots of people would praise me for my singing ability to my mom, but she has never once praised me for it.

I think deep down she is jealous of me. I make the most out of my entire family, even the men -- my brother, BIL, and even DH now. I am the only female of my and my mother's generation to have a college degree. I have traveled some (want to do more). I got married later and had children later, and I think she also looks down on me for that (cultural and generational). She stated that my sister (who is a sahm) has a better life than I do, while I was in the room, but my sister said I had the better life.

My mom has made these kinds of passive aggressive comments to me my whole life. I don't speak to her very often, and even when I do, it's brief.

Your mom does it because you have an annoying personality. You seem arrogant and selfish. You probably look down on her and your family. She thinks your sister has a better life because she’s probably more family oriented and care more about people and the family.
You have more money, you care more about money, you probably don’t help the family.
She values relationships and kindness more than money or the fact that you singer better than everyone.

Hey PP, your mom found this thread!

[Anonymous]

my mother does this to my younger sister's spouse because our situations are flipped. she cannot stand my husband and feels sorry for me and she realizes how kind my brother-in-law is and how lazy my sister is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Internalized misogyny

I bet to you there are two categories that govern the universe:
1. Internalized misogyny
2. Overt misogyny