Why does my mother minimize me in favor of praising my husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me you're Italian without telling me you're Italian!

+1000 my Italian mother does this to me. My DH is a good father but nothing over the top by any means.. oh you'd think he was a single dad if she happens to be over when he changes his 1 diaper a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married to him for decades and my mother has always thought he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Everything he’s ever done has been impressive to her. Don’t get me wrong, I share her sentiments, obviously, but the way she seems to undermine me in favors of amplifying him has always bothered me, and it’s recently escalated, or, I’m noticing it more. Two latest examples:

My mother and I are both avid readers and frequently discuss books. I read a lot of nonfiction and often take deep dives when something interests me. She’s never been into nonfiction and would always tell me she doesn’t know how I read books like that. DH recently got really interested in a specific time period and has been reading stacks of books on the topic. At Christmas my mother noticed the books and praised DH for his “smart mind”, how “impressive” it is he is so interested in research.

We also recently finished a small remodel in our guest bedroom. I did the majority of the work, from planning to actually decoration, like painting, hanging decor/blinds/lighting. When my mom got here and was unpacking, she kept praising DH on a job well done, telling him he did great work. He kept telling her, no, your daughter did most of the work, I only helped when I could. But she kept ignoring him, or rejecting his words.

Why does she do this?

She knows it bothers you ..... and well she's probably a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me you're Italian without telling me you're Italian!

+100 Although, I do think sometimes the flattery and aggrandizement is meant to support the wife- grease the social wheel to further future Italian family enmeshment. I do it a little with my daughter’s boyfriend, but if he doesn’t propose soon… he’s dead to me. 😂

? I understand you are making a joke but it's still Greek to me.

Many Italian-American wives have put up with volatile, sometimes abusive husbands and fathers who they try to appease for the overall good of the family. Preemptive strike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this a bit.

My marriage has had its ups and downs and these comments make me scared of how she would react if I were to divorce him. Thankfully divorce is not a likely scenario now.

I think maybe part of it is my mother tries harder to be polite with him than with me. So some of it is.just social niceties she doesn't feel she needs to do with me.

My mom thanks my husband (only my husband) when we buy something for anything. I think she can’t see my as an adult. I am 36, own a home, have three children, have a graduate degree, and make $300K. I
I’m an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me you're Italian without telling me you're Italian!

Or Indian, or most Middle Eastern origins, or most any other group. Misogyny does not belong to one group, surely you know better!

[Anonymous]

Because there are women of a certain age who will always value a man more than a woman. It's disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Internalized misogyny

+1 there are a lot of women like this from the baby boomer generation. They came of age during the civil rights/women’s liberation era but they’re from very religious backgrounds like my mom and have extreme contempt for women who are not in traditionally female “nurturer” or “helper” professions like nurse, schoolteacher, or secretary. They can’t wrap their heads around a woman being good at anything non-traditional. Your husband deserves praise in her eyes; you don’t. If you’re an artist, scientist, engineer, or architect, well, you must be a bra burning lesbian.

I had other relatives like this, too. They just favor men because that’s how they were raised. They don’t know anything else.

OP, just ignore her. She’s never going to change.

[Anonymous]

Covert narcissistic mothers. Go read up on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Internalized misogyny

THIS. The male worship is STRONG with certain generations, despite the abuse and misogyny they endured. Stockholm Syndrome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because there are women of a certain age who will always value a man more than a woman. It's disgusting.

Can't you find a better word to use. Something that actually conveys a thought? The "it's disgusting" posts add nothing to the commentary.

[Anonymous]

My mother was like that, but she was mentally ill. It puzzles me until I realized that.
I used to think it was jealousy - she thought my now ex was better than my dad and also that she would have made a better wife/was more “worthy” than me.
It’s really sick subconscious twisted stuff

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut. Nothing you shared should be considered normal or acceptable. You’re a grown up. Your mother sounds like a narcissist. Google Lindsay Gibson and her work on daughters of narcissistic mothers. It’s very enlightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Internalized misogyny

+1 there are a lot of women like this from the baby boomer generation. They came of age during the civil rights/women’s liberation era but they’re from very religious backgrounds like my mom and have extreme contempt for women who are not in traditionally female “nurturer” or “helper” professions like nurse, schoolteacher, or secretary. They can’t wrap their heads around a woman being good at anything non-traditional. Your husband deserves praise in her eyes; you don’t. If you’re an artist, scientist, engineer, or architect, well, you must be a bra burning lesbian.

I had other relatives like this, too. They just favor men because that’s how they were raised. They don’t know anything else.

OP, just ignore her. She’s never going to change.

Wow I could’ve written this about my mom. Raised Catholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married to him for decades and my mother has always thought he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Everything he’s ever done has been impressive to her. Don’t get me wrong, I share her sentiments, obviously, but the way she seems to undermine me in favors of amplifying him has always bothered me, and it’s recently escalated, or, I’m noticing it more. Two latest examples:

My mother and I are both avid readers and frequently discuss books. I read a lot of nonfiction and often take deep dives when something interests me. She’s never been into nonfiction and would always tell me she doesn’t know how I read books like that. DH recently got really interested in a specific time period and has been reading stacks of books on the topic. At Christmas my mother noticed the books and praised DH for his “smart mind”, how “impressive” it is he is so interested in research.

We also recently finished a small remodel in our guest bedroom. I did the majority of the work, from planning to actually decoration, like painting, hanging decor/blinds/lighting. When my mom got here and was unpacking, she kept praising DH on a job well done, telling him he did great work. He kept telling her, no, your daughter did most of the work, I only helped when I could. But she kept ignoring him, or rejecting his words.

Why does she do this?

It’s sort of like the kid behaving well at school and coming home and acting out at home. You are a safe place. Your DH is a flight risk. Better to stay on his good side.

[Anonymous]

My grandma (96) does this. She's internalized the "a woman is nothing without a man." She's 96, it's not going to change, even if she kicked
My philandering grandfather out of the house at 75.