Why does my mother minimize me in favor of praising my husband?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been married to him for decades and my mother has always thought he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Everything he’s ever done has been impressive to her. Don’t get me wrong, I share her sentiments, obviously, but the way she seems to undermine me in favors of amplifying him has always bothered me, and it’s recently escalated, or, I’m noticing it more. Two latest examples:

My mother and I are both avid readers and frequently discuss books. I read a lot of nonfiction and often take deep dives when something interests me. She’s never been into nonfiction and would always tell me she doesn’t know how I read books like that. DH recently got really interested in a specific time period and has been reading stacks of books on the topic. At Christmas my mother noticed the books and praised DH for his “smart mind”, how “impressive” it is he is so interested in research.

We also recently finished a small remodel in our guest bedroom. I did the majority of the work, from planning to actually decoration, like painting, hanging decor/blinds/lighting. When my mom got here and was unpacking, she kept praising DH on a job well done, telling him he did great work. He kept telling her, no, your daughter did most of the work, I only helped when I could. But she kept ignoring him, or rejecting his words.

Why does she do this?

[Anonymous]

You should be thrilled! She loves your husband. You chose him. He chose you. You don't need to compete with him! She still loves you from the bottom of her heart as she is your mom.

[Anonymous]

Internalized misogyny

[Anonymous]

My mom does this a bit.

My marriage has had its ups and downs and these comments make me scared of how she would react if I were to divorce him. Thankfully divorce is not a likely scenario now.

I think maybe part of it is my mother tries harder to be polite with him than with me. So some of it is.just social niceties she doesn't feel she needs to do with me.

[Anonymous]

Praise the man, blame the woman. She probably grew up with the schematic and replicates it without even realizing it.

[Anonymous]

My mother did this too. In her mind I was lucky and my XH did what she didn’t get from my dad (he changed diapers and was more hands on than my dad was).

She turned on me when I separated from him because she couldn’t handle the cognitive dissonance of her fantasy of him and my revealing how emotionally and financially abusive he was to me over the years. I stopped speaking to her. She still talks to him.

[Anonymous]

My mom did this. I think it was because her own mother bad-mouthed her sons-in-law (except my dad, because he's awesome) and created a toxic environment. My mom was reacting to that. I think she now understands that her actions were not supportive of me and regrets them. I'm a widow, now, so water under the bridge, but I intend to learn from her actions with my own eventual children-in-law.

[Anonymous]

Because he's a man. Men do things. Women stand quietly behind their husbands and have meals ready and iron their clothes. Sorry your mom is old-fashioned. She probably can't even see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should be thrilled! She loves your husband. You chose him. He chose you. You don't need to compete with him! She still loves you from the bottom of her heart as she is your mom.

I’d ignore it and it seems benign.

She probably just needs more friends and people to talk with. But there is nothing run with praising your daughter’s husband even too much - as long as everyone knows you did it or aren’t being put down there or in other ways.

I’d let it go and keep finding humor in its maybe she’s a flirty flirt! My grandma was and even pinched my husbands butt once when he walked by!

[Anonymous]

My mom does this but it's because she's envious of the relationship I have with my husband, the partner he is to me, and the dad he is to our kids. She's not comparing ME to my husband or trying to downplay my interests/achievements; she's comparing my husband to my dad and reflecting on how she'd prefer to be in my shoes.

[Anonymous]

This could happen for so many reasons. You know her best.

1. Misogyny
2. She may see you as an extension of herself and a result of her parenting and doesn’t want to brag about “herself”.
3. She may want to create a pleasant in-law situation that she didn’t have.
4. She may naturally be a huge flirt.

[Anonymous]

Well my husband was a terrible houseguest at their house a few years ago during Covid (rude, liud, broke things & hid them or blamed others, ate their gifted desserts because he woke up at 4am their time the whole couple weeks).

Anyhow, she had was trying to teach him how to use an appliance and he flew into a rage at 7am. The kids were scared, she got angry, my dad came down and kicked him out to a hotel.

And for two years or until he apologized, which he won’t he’s too stubborn and belligerent, he blames her for “arguing back at him.”

So now every time I ask a question or he tries that with me, I get called my Mom and “where do you get that from”? Complete insanity and DARVO. He is asd and bipolar so need to get he kids older and more independent and able to set boundaries with him. He gaslights them too.

So id love your situation Op.

[Anonymous]

My family does this. It’s infuriating, but it’s better than them treating him like crap like his family does to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Praise the man, blame the woman. She probably grew up with the schematic and replicates it without even realizing it.

+1 plus, my mom has always found fault in me and has never praised me. I have been told that I have an amazing singing voice (used to sing at church), and lots of people would praise me for my singing ability to my mom, but she has never once praised me for it.

I think deep down she is jealous of me. I make the most out of my entire family, even the men -- my brother, BIL, and even DH now. I am the only female of my and my mother's generation to have a college degree. I have traveled some (want to do more). I got married later and had children later, and I think she also looks down on me for that (cultural and generational). She stated that my sister (who is a sahm) has a better life than I do, while I was in the room, but my sister said I had the better life.

My mom has made these kinds of passive aggressive comments to me my whole life. I don't speak to her very often, and even when I do, it's brief.

[Anonymous]

Why? Easy—internalized misogyny.