My therapist says I am codependent with adult children

[Anonymous]

I had a mutual breakup with a 30 something year old bc he won’t move out of his parents home even though he and his sibling have 1M saved from never leaving despite having good jobs that are stable , etc.

It’s funny the parents wants grandkids yet they won’t let their kids sleep with their girlfriends overnight….they like being there so they can vent their bad days and the house is always clean/they can see each other, etc.

As a parent, if you need financial support your kids can send you money and talk to you on the phone regularly if you are not suffering from a chronic illness. To keep them at home well past their 30’s is selfish. I noticed they can’t handle anyone saying something that isn’t agreeable as a result of the dysfunctional household.

What if people like this can’t see they aren’t healthy and say they’re happy and don’t care? I know to let them be but….anyone ever been able to get through to people?

My mother is overbearing and will show up when I move when she is uninvited. She says I can’t move on my own (in my 20’s) when she made things worse by rearranging how I packed some items. I kicked her out for thinking she knew better than me, being overbearing hurts more than helps, I hope anyone struggling with this sees I’m not an awful person, I’m an independent adult, that strives to create healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

If parents can help out kids in any way, its a blessing but do know that we can't fix and control their lives.

Just don't get involved in decision making, let them live their lives as they see fit. Make time for yourselves too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking on the phone multiple times a day seems crazy intense to me. That's way too much. Helping them with big life things like buying a car is good, but the constant contact is a bit crazy

+1. You have identified the issue: you’re enmeshed. I came from similar- (alcoholic and narcissistic borderline) This is NOT the same as a close family.

Good on you Op for being so self aware!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had friends who were like this with their families. I really envied them. Your therapist sounds sterile and cold.

I also had a friend like this and thought she relief way too much on her parents. She seemed emotionally stunted.

[Anonymous]

Good for you for learning to let go! My in-laws are like this with my sister in law. My husband was young enough when we got married that he was able to tone them down over time, but SIL is late 30s and unmarried and I think her dodependence with her parents is a big reason that she hasn't stayed in a relationship long-term and frankly isn't willing to take risks/do fun things in her life. It makes me sad for her because she's a great person but she has turned down great opportunities because she is so reliant on them.

[Anonymous]

I mean, Jesus, I know lots of people who speak to their parents every day and whose parents help them, yet are "normal" functioning and independent adults. It's not either/or.

If you/they are codependent or stunted or whatever slur y'all are throwing around, I think that it's own thing, not a result of having supportive parents. I know trust fund babies who are capable, independent, etc. etc. and low income folks from my hometown who are "enmeshed" and stunted in terms of how they relate to family. I also know immigrant families (like mine) who it is understood that parents will support, and allow AC to live with them, etc.

It's not quite so black and white.

[Anonymous]

Gradual change. Set goals for how to be a bit less involved over the next 6 months, year, two years from now etc. Maybe start with getting the phone calls reduced. Be less flexible in changing plans you have in place, unless an actual emergency. Start making more plans that don't involve the kids.

[Anonymous]

I can see the path you are on, OP. This will be more problematic down the road when there are spouses and grandkids.

My husband and his sister have enmeshment problems with their mom and it has caused a lot of stress through our marriage but particularly after having kids. Because their family is “close”, my MIL and SIL have very high expectations for their involvement in our lives and the kids lives. They have no concept of boundaries because they view close families as willing to do anything for each other and not needing to ask. If we say no or want to do something as a family alone, we are met with guilt and resentment. If I establish boundaries that attempt to maintain any sense of schedule or routine for the kids, they act like we are depriving them of having a relationship with the kids. MIL still wants to operate like she is raising her family but her kids are adults with their own lives.

Interestingly, SIL is single, never had any kind of serious relationship, and is in mid-40s. I attribute this fact to the family enmeshment.

Kudos for recognizing and having awareness of the issue. Allow them to have their own lives and make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

If you kids are capable of picking out paint or buying a car alone, but want to have you there because they enjoy spending time with you and value your input, I think that sounds nice.

Co-dependent would be if they are are incapable making decisions without you or if you get upset when you are not included.

There are a lot of “adulting” type things in your 20s where it helps to have another adult around in you are single. I test drove cars by myself when I was 24, but I brought my dad with me when I was making the purchase. Before I was married, I often brought my dad or a male friend with me to the mechanic for my previous beater car or if I was having a repair person in my home so that they don’t think I’m a dumb girl or vulnerable. When you have movers, it helps to have someone inside and someone by the truck watching. I am not super close or inseparable from my parents, but when I have lived locally to them, I absolutely included them in major events like moving or large purchases.

I would not worry unless you think the amount of time they spend with you is hindering their ability to live independently and eventually have their own family. I would not worry about your closeness to them unless it’s an issue where you can’t let go or back off once they have a spouse and their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Early 20's while they are just out of undergrad and going for higher degree or in an entry level job, trying to learn the ropes, IS THE TIME to help them build a good foundation.

[Anonymous]

*If you are blessed to have resources to do so.

[Anonymous]

The sooner parents can view their adult children as peers, the better. It's the only way the adult child has the respect of the parent. Without that respect, the adult child in crippled in life. The adult child has to be financially independent. They can not live any part of their live afraid that something will be taken away - they will manage if it is. Neither party can be too afraid of saying the wrong thing. An occasional overstep of the parent/child is treated the same as with any other adult you care about and wish to keep in your life.

[Anonymous]

wow, this doesn’t sound unhealthy to me at all. seems very normal, but I’m from a large Latin American Family and what you describe is not abnormal. Only thing abnormal is your therapist and the fact that you are american and close to your children. Most Americans in my observations have a unhealthy disconnect with their families.

[Anonymous]

Once they are married, the separation will happen naturally. Don't overthink this. If you have plans with your DH, don't break them for your children unless it is an emergency.