My therapist says I am codependent with adult children

[Anonymous]

I was raised by abusive parents who had a bad marriage and possibly some mental Illness,my dad was an alcoholic etc and I think as a Result,I may have overprioritized having a perfect family. I wanted to give the kids everything that I never had. Lately however we’ve been wondering if we are just too and mashed when the children, all of them are now in their mid-20s. We still seem to spend most our time helping people move, and doing things like going car shopping with them, etc. two of them live not too far from us while the third lives further away. At one point we were speaking to each of them on the phone multiple times a day. Lately I’ve been trying to put some distance between Us and encouraging them to solve more of their own problems. Does anyone one else struggle with this? My husband and I are trying to make our relationship a priority and even to feel comfortable spending money on ourselves rather than on the children, but it still feels weird

[Anonymous]

If you are all happy and functional, why do you wish to change?

There are families that are very close and bonded, and families that go their own way as soon as they can and hardly ever communicate or see each other.

It's all on a spectrum, OP, and none of it is "wrong" unless someone is miserable. If you feel that either you or your children would benefit from a bit of space, then certainly, gently put some distance in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Ditto. Are the kids (or you) actually suffering here? Do they have problems doing things for themselves or having relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised by abusive parents who had a bad marriage and possibly some mental Illness,my dad was an alcoholic etc and I think as a Result,I may have overprioritized having a perfect family. I wanted to give the kids everything that I never had. Lately however we’ve been wondering if we are just too and mashed when the children, all of them are now in their mid-20s. We still seem to spend most our time helping people move, and doing things like going car shopping with them, etc. two of them live not too far from us while the third lives further away. At one point we were speaking to each of them on the phone multiple times a day. Lately I’ve been trying to put some distance between Us and encouraging them to solve more of their own problems. Does anyone one else struggle with this? My husband and I are trying to make our relationship a priority and even to feel comfortable spending money on ourselves rather than on the children, but it still feels weird

We are like you and we just roll with punches. We don't put demands on kids - come see us, call us, live near us. Our philosopy has been "we supperted you and you got your education/skills" go live your life. If you want to stay with/near us, that's fine too. If you want to move away 3000 miles away, that's okay too! Life is good OP. Don't creaste an issue out of non-issue.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound terrible. I leaned on my parents in my 20s when I was starting out but that lessened over time as I figured things out and by the time I got married I rarely called them up to help with issues. Now I have my spouse to lean on and the tides are turning and my parents call me for help. What goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

Speaking on the phone multiple times a day seems crazy intense to me. That's way too much. Helping them with big life things like buying a car is good, but the constant contact is a bit crazy

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you think your therapist calls it codependency? Are we missing some other problematic details?

[Anonymous]

OP, how do your children react to your close relationship? Do they initiate these frequent calls or is it all you? It's great to have a close relationship with your adult children but you do also need to give them space to be the adults they now are.

Kudos to you for working through your own childhood trauma in therapy; it sounds like your kids are lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you and your DH did a wonderful job raising kids who love you both and rely on you. Hope you can celebrate that with each other. If you find joy in spending money on your kids, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Just learn to enjoy your own lives too if you don’t already. Maybe start small by taking a weekend trip for just you and DH.

[Anonymous]

I guess my two questions would be:

1.) Are your adult children being negatively impacted by relying on your too much and not developing their own relationships, resources, skills, and coping mechanisms?

2.) Are you feeling like you're giving too much and unable to have an empty nest life that you want?

You can certainly be there for your children and have a close family without spending the majority if your free time helping your kids. And they can certainly grow and develop appropriately and still have some support from you.

[Anonymous]

What concerns are you seeing your therapist for? In what context was this raised?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm in that sandiwch period where I started seeing the therapist because I was just exhausted by the demands of my aging parents and adult children. We have postponed an anniversary trip several times because someone always needed something. Last time, it was our daughter needing help moving the weekend we planned to go away. (We were going to combine a vacation with a work trip for me and I ended up going on my own while he helped her move.)

I thought I needed help mostly with how to help my parents without feeling all of the negative emotions, but she is suggesting that I need to prioritize myself more both from the parents and from the kids.

I do think the enmeshment may be hurting our kids too , like we shield the kids from the negative consequences of their bad decisions. I am worried that two of the children are not in relationships and wonder if they will ever get married.

We also found out that one child is gay and I'm from a really strict Evangelical background and am struggling with that. I think the therapist is concerned here that I seem to be deriving too much of my self worth (at this stage) from having a family that appears perfect to outsiders. She said something about 'kids being a reflection of yourself' that really hit home. I think maybe I'm keeping them from figuring out who they really are.

[Anonymous]

solve more of their own problems

Do *they* think they can't solve their own problems? I doubt it. They are on their own. They are out of the house. They have established themselves. They probably stay so close to you, on an emotional level (unhealthy? I don't know) because you have drilled into their head that *you* are vulnerable. Stop presenting yourself as damaged. Your examples ~ car shopping traditionally has not been a uncomfortable experience and I can see how young adults appreciate support. And moving, if they are involving their friends, why not parents. I can see that. As long as you're not having to problem solve the move. And you want to. No obligation to any of this.

Get some things on the calendar, just for you and DH. Have it be that more of their activities have to work-around yours. No reason to "announce" this. Just act on it. Talking/discussin/explaining is asking for too much attention. Too much focus on you. Instead, just quietly do it.

[Anonymous]

My kids are adults now too. The example you gave is a good one OP. We would help a kid move if it worked for us, but it would never even occur to us to cancel a vacation, especially one that was tied to other plans to do it. Why was the answer not, "sorry kid we are away that weekend so can't help with the move on those days"? You need to honor your own life and let your kids deal. At the ages your kids are at, their "needs" for help should be rare and not interfering with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm in that sandiwch period where I started seeing the therapist because I was just exhausted by the demands of my aging parents and adult children. We have postponed an anniversary trip several times because someone always needed something. Last time, it was our daughter needing help moving the weekend we planned to go away. (We were going to combine a vacation with a work trip for me and I ended up going on my own while he helped her move.)

I thought I needed help mostly with how to help my parents without feeling all of the negative emotions, but she is suggesting that I need to prioritize myself more both from the parents and from the kids.

I do think the enmeshment may be hurting our kids too , like we shield the kids from the negative consequences of their bad decisions. I am worried that two of the children are not in relationships and wonder if they will ever get married.

We also found out that one child is gay and I'm from a really strict Evangelical background and am struggling with that. I think the therapist is concerned here that I seem to be deriving too much of my self worth (at this stage) from having a family that appears perfect to outsiders. She said something about 'kids being a reflection of yourself' that really hit home. I think maybe I'm keeping them from figuring out who they really are.

Yeah, okay, I see the issues here.

1. You need to be able to tell your daughter you can't help her move; you have plans. You can help earlier or later or she can buy her friends pizza so they will help her. That's what I did in my early 20s -- begged and traded with friends to move -- because my parents were far away and it never would have occurred to me to ask them.

2. Their relationship status is their business and their problem (or not -- people can be happily single, you know). You are not at fault for it, nor should you consider it a reflection of yourself. That was lies madness.

3. It's good your working through your religious de-conditioning to accept your cay child! I know that can be rough but as an LGBTQ adult who didn't come out even to myself even though I had supportive parents, sometimes it's not about you. Sometimes it's just something the person in question is working through.

I think you're a great parent but I also think your therapist is probably right that you have some enmeshment issues and it's good you're starting to work on coping strategies. Wishing you all the best!