My husband works 16-18 hours per day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord - I make $95K and would NEVER do this. Ever.

My husband makes $450K and he does this - but that is what is expected for this type of pay. It would never be expected for my type of pay. I am a manager and I would never let my team work like this either.

My DH makes $400k and this lifestyle would be unacceptable in my book. He works 60 hours a week which is at least in the realm of acceptable. I’d rather he go down to $200k and work 35 hours a week (like I do). Money is not worth ruining your life.

This is pretty tone deaf for someone making $600k+

She’s got a point though. Why doesn’t everyone just take the 35hr/200k job?

/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband want to do about the situation?

OP here. I've been nicely encouraging him to explore other options but we have a hard time having an open conversation because he is always so busy and stressed. It feels like he (understandably) has zero mental capacity left to talk to me. And I think updating his resume after 10 years and job searching feels insurmountable on top of the work load right now. He is fiercely loyal (to a fault in this situation) and is proud of how long that he's been at the company. We both came from blue collar union families with pensions and the mentality of "put in my 30 years here and retire" and I'm trying to help him understand that it is very, very normal in the business world to work for several companies over your career. This is the company he interned with in college and then they hired him after graduation.

That is noble, but his job will replace him in a nanosecond.
Show him this thread. OPs husband they are using you. They are saving six salaries. Why haven’t you gotten a raise?

Encourage him to join Antiwork on Reddit for some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dr. Fauchi works 16 hours a day and took zero vacation days on last 18 months and turns 81 this month.

Toughen up folks

As one of the nation’s top experts and leaders during a pandemic, with long grown children and sure as hell not for $95K.

But you sure thought you said something here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr. Fauchi works 16 hours a day and took zero vacation days on last 18 months and turns 81 this month.

Toughen up folks

As one of the nation’s top experts and leaders during a pandemic, with long grown children and sure as hell not for $95K.

But you sure thought you said something here.

Yeah Fauci gets respect unlike OP’s husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr. Fauchi works 16 hours a day and took zero vacation days on last 18 months and turns 81 this month.

Toughen up folks

As one of the nation’s top experts and leaders during a pandemic, with long grown children and sure as hell not for $95K.

But you sure thought you said something here.

Yeah Fauci gets respect unlike OP’s husband.

Fun fact: Fauci is the single highest paid person in the ENTIRE federal government.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord - I make $95K and would NEVER do this. Ever.

My husband makes $450K and he does this - but that is what is expected for this type of pay. It would never be expected for my type of pay. I am a manager and I would never let my team work like this either.

My DH makes $400k and this lifestyle would be unacceptable in my book. He works 60 hours a week which is at least in the realm of acceptable. I’d rather he go down to $200k and work 35 hours a week (like I do). Money is not worth ruining your life.

60 is hard but 80-90 (and that’s if her husband doesn’t work at all on weekends, if he does we’re looking at 110) is a whole other level of horrible. I did this once as a young employee at a notorious sweatshop. We were in our 20s, no family, usually super healthy and athletic when we started (I’m sure you can guess the industry), can’t imagine a family person doing it at an older age. Especially since for him there’s no paying your dues or pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I'm thinking MBB or Big4 consulting. I did that (100+ hour weeks and travel) and it was truly hell. My hourly rate was probably pathetic, and I bounced for the same salary and a 40 hr workweek. Like other PPs, my jaw dropped when I saw the 95k salary for these hours. I felt like a slave at closer to 200k. He needs to leave this job ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an idiot. He needs to look for a new job asap that pays more and no more than 40 hours a week. He is doing this to himself.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't he delegate the work to the 3 remaining staffers? That should take the edge off of his work load.

Why hasn't he gone to his boss about this yet?

[Anonymous]

I agree with most of the sentiment above. He should get a new job. Working so hard for 95k just does not make sense.

[Anonymous]

It takes time to find, apply, and interview for a job. I seriously doubt the husband has any bandwidth left to do any of that after working 16 hr days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr. Fauchi works 16 hours a day and took zero vacation days on last 18 months and turns 81 this month.

Toughen up folks

As one of the nation’s top experts and leaders during a pandemic, with long grown children and sure as hell not for $95K.

But you sure thought you said something here.

Yeah Fauci gets respect unlike OP’s husband.

Fun fact: Fauci is the single highest paid person in the ENTIRE federal government.

For what that man put up with, I’d say he earned it and then some.

[Anonymous]

Practically speaking, your DH should take a sick day or two to get his resume updated and send out some applications. He’s too overwhelmed to do it in the time he has.

If this is a new thing, he should talk to his boss. If it’s not, I honestly don’t think it will go that well. They know he’s been dealing with this workload for a while and they will not be motivated to make changes. He’s saving his company loads of money.

What portion of your family income is 95k? What is his field?

[Anonymous]

Well I had 2 people on a 4 person team quit. They process documents that are time sensitive - we can’t NOT do them.

What did I do?
1. Cancel all special projects and nice to have actions
2. Pick up slack and cover my staff so they could take PTO, so they don’t also quit.
3. Ask a colleague in another department to do my screening interviews for me.
4. Make / improve job aids to improve onboarding and ask my existing staff to help with onboarding.
5. Give the new people more responsibility sooner and hope they swim instead of sink.

Yes it was a long summer / fall and long hours impacted my family - but it more people quit or I lost my job, it would have been so much worse.

[Anonymous]

Your husband’s company is taking advantage of him and will continue to make him grind away until he collapses. He needs to find another job.

I was in a similar situation at my last job (though not 18 hours a day). I was often up until 3-4 am, only to join calls at 8. I have toddlers and still had to tend to them in between working (my husband is very hands on but they just wanted mommy sometimes).

And yes, I spoke up. I said I was stretched too thin and overloaded. I let them know what I needed to succeed. Leadership said “hang in there, it’ll let up soon, we’re hiring”. It did not let up.

I put up with it for about 9 months and then found another job. My leadership was shocked, claimed not to know there was a problem and tried to offer me $$$$ get me to stay. Yeah right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband want to do about the situation?

OP here. I've been nicely encouraging him to explore other options but we have a hard time having an open conversation because he is always so busy and stressed. It feels like he (understandably) has zero mental capacity left to talk to me. And I think updating his resume after 10 years and job searching feels insurmountable on top of the work load right now. He is fiercely loyal (to a fault in this situation) and is proud of how long that he's been at the company. We both came from blue collar union families with pensions and the mentality of "put in my 30 years here and retire" and I'm trying to help him understand that it is very, very normal in the business world to work for several companies over your career. This is the company he interned with in college and then they hired him after graduation.

OP, would it be possible for you to do this for him? At least an initial draft? I'm sure there are a lot of irrational, emotional things that are preventing your DH from seeking alternatives, but at least removing the logistical ones might help.

What you have going on is unsustainable. My DH was working 70-80hr/wk and earning close to $400K total comp earlier in our marriage, and it still almost destroyed us. And at least his job provided enough resources for us to hire out help. It's still a struggle, but at some point he learned to put some boundaries around his work. He discovered that he is actually valued for his unique skills, and he's continued to be promoted etc. He's also developed deep loyalty among his team, because he fights for their workplace to be more humane overall. It's not perfect, and being home more during the pandemic has shown him how much he was missing of our kids' lives, but it's better than it used to be. Interestingly, my (male) boss shared with me that the pandemic caused him to have a similar realization about his kids.

What is happening in your household is not sustainable. I think maybe framing it in terms of his responsibility to you and your kids might help. And also being a team, helping him work through the challenges. It doesn't sound like he feels supported in any aspect of his work life, so approach this from the perspective of making things easier.