Fundamentalist "Believers" next door pressuring us

[Anonymous]

We like our next-door neighbors well enough; they seem mostly responsible, maintain their house and yard nicely and would help us w/ something small if we needed it (collect mail if out of town, etc.) Our children play together outside (no fences) and we bring their daughter with us sometimes to do fun things b/c the mom decides to stay at home a lot with the younger two we think because she finds it difficult to manage them out in public and because she is pregnant with her 4th baby. So the oldest who is close to our 2 kids' age can get out into the world some with us. Lately its hard to have this child around because she presses us on our church attendance and constantly invites us to attend her family's church events and ask us if we've found a church yet. The parents also ask us if we've found a church here yet. We are always shocked by this. We've moved to the area a year ago and just haven't decided yet where to go or even how often to go. Its absolutely none of their business. We are both Christian families but ours is a very different denomination. They are fundamentalist "believers". We are Episcopalians. To them it seems we might as well be non-Christian. It is getting really annoying. They seem to be under instruction to "recruit" us. Our denomination approaches religion as a private matter. The mother taught vacation bible school this summer and asked if our kids could go. She rarely issues any sort of invitation or initiates conversation but with this she was very strong. Our kids had tennis camp scheduled that week so couldn't go. The family didn't talk to us for a few weeks afterward (we didn't miss them!) Now the kids come over again and the daughter continues to ask why we didn't attend VBS as though its highly personal to her (she is 7). This weekend I finally said: "your mother already knows why the boys could not go so please ask her and quit asking us - the boys had tennis camp - leave it alone!" She said "well they didn't have tennis camp every day!" In fact they did - so what, were they watching our comings and goings that week? Its getting weird and delusional. Additionally, the two younger children do not get out much and the toddler they think is the cutest human ever has horrible social skills and breaks things in our yard and has tantrums. Mom stays home - literally - and seems to mostly keep them at home with her, until our sons get home then she lets the toddler loose and he heads to our house. They do get out to church meetings/services/events. Does anyone know if this has to do with believers beliefs? Is the outside world beyond the church threatening? Are environments where you are surrounded only by people who agree with you the only "safe" and therefore ok ones? Our family views the worlds completely differently - embrace differences as they give life texture and interest. We are excellent neighbors by any standard and they would agree to that. We are very giving with them including giving them hand-me downs we could sell, little presents now and then, taking the daughter with us hiking, looking after their dog when they were out of town. Our sons are very well behaved and have excellent manners (everyone says so) and are trying to be patient with all the religion questioning. So far they just change the subject when it comes up. This family doesn't do much for us in return (we don't ask them for anything), and this nagging is increasing. We're anticipating this negative stuff to increase when the new baby arrives, as it seems to be increasing as the pregnancy advances. Please advise.

[Anonymous]

1. Paragraphs are your friend.

2. Tell them flat out that you are not interested in attending their church. "We will not be attending your church, please don't ask again." If they persist, simply say, "I don't want to discuss religion." Repeat as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Paragraphs are your friend.

2. Tell them flat out that you are not interested in attending their church. "We will not be attending your church, please don't ask again." If they persist, simply say, "I don't want to discuss religion." Repeat as needed.

+1. On response #2, I'd also add: "It is a our private business."

[Anonymous]

Ya'll are right - we need to be direct and simple. And yikes I see how much I wrote - and I love paragraphs! Short and (not so) sweet hard to remember when our lives are somewhat connected. Its true thought - stay focused w/ these simple messages. Still, whats up with the pressure? Who does that?

[Anonymous]

Be straightforward with them that you are happy with your faith and prefer not to discuss religion. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

I'm a Catholic and often get repeat invites from non-denominational Christian neighbors and friends to join their churches. A cheerful, but firm "We're happy with our faith." works for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Catholic and often get repeat invites from non-denominational Christian neighbors and friends to join their churches. A cheerful, but firm "We're happy with our faith." works for me.

Thanks I appreciate the advice and you're all right. I should add that we do say things like this. Probably not firmly enough. And the Repeat is important. And we need to have our kids do the same; lately they're getting the most pressure from them.

[Anonymous]

I think at some point you could gently say that their pressure is borderline rude and also a slight on your chosen denomination. Ask them how they'd like it if you were a Jehovah's Witness or Mormon or whatever and we're constantly pressuring them to join your faith. Said gently, with a smile, but deadly seriously may finally get through to them. You may just have to sever ties if they keep it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think at some point you could gently say that their pressure is borderline rude and also a slight on your chosen denomination. Ask them how they'd like it if you were a Jehovah's Witness or Mormon or whatever and we're constantly pressuring them to join your faith. Said gently, with a smile, but deadly seriously may finally get through to them. You may just have to sever ties if they keep it up.

Unfortunately it may come to that - I've understated the judgmental way they're issuing their "invitations". Per the excellent advice, we'll keep trying the firm simple message/repeat in hope it works. Still, we are curious to know what in their teachings or beliefs drives them to boldly pursue this. We sense that when/if we do settle on a local church they'll keep asking....because ours won't be good enough...won't be "Christian" enough.

[Anonymous]

They're your neighbors, and you need to keep good relations with them, so keep a smile plastered on your face when you say: "we're happy with the way we are, please don't ask that again."

That's it. You don't need to be so giving if you don't feel like it, OP. A little distance here may be needed. Keep the toys and fragile plants indoors, so that the toddler doesn't break them. Stop inviting the oldest so much, then you won't have to hear her repeat what her parents are wondering.

And please, don't judge their lifestyle. They don't have the same parenting styles or energy that you have. Fine. Let them live how they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
They're your neighbors, and you need to keep good relations with them, so keep a smile plastered on your face when you say: "we're happy with the way we are, please don't ask that again."

That's it. You don't need to be so giving if you don't feel like it, OP. A little distance here may be needed. Keep the toys and fragile plants indoors, so that the toddler doesn't break them. Stop inviting the oldest so much, then you won't have to hear her repeat what her parents are wondering.

And please, don't judge their lifestyle. They don't have the same parenting styles or energy that you have. Fine. Let them live how they want.

Excellent reminder about keeping good relations that is very important to us. I'm improving on the plastered smile! And good quote to use - thanks!

Yes we don't need to be so giving and are slowly scaling back. I don't keep fragile things outside. The toddler (3 1/2) knows where we store things and opens doors and wanders through the garage etc.. When locked, he bangs and screams on the doors until he gets attention - any attention. He bangs on the house door screaming at the top of his lungs for our attention.
We have enjoyed the daughter's company. She's a tomboy and hangs out with our boys as much as possible. She always comes over to our house. If we've been out and we drive up, she runs over. After school she's knocking on the door immediately. She is omni-present. So we haven't sought her out to invite her with us, only said "you're welcome to join us" when we do include her b/c she is always always always around.

We are absolutely not judging them. We want to understand them. Initially we thought we had so much in common and we're seeing over time how very differently we view the world. This is fine with us; apparently not with them. These are opposites: judging and understanding. If we can understand them maybe we can know better how to handle this. I'm not going to compare energy levels - don't even know what that would mean. Their lifestyle affects us. If they keep the younger kids bubbled much of the day, they are starved for stimulation eventually, and so to our house at every opportunity. Likely because we are non-judgmental, open-minded and kind. Then they judge us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They're your neighbors, and you need to keep good relations with them, so keep a smile plastered on your face when you say: "we're happy with the way we are, please don't ask that again."

That's it. You don't need to be so giving if you don't feel like it, OP. A little distance here may be needed. Keep the toys and fragile plants indoors, so that the toddler doesn't break them. Stop inviting the oldest so much, then you won't have to hear her repeat what her parents are wondering.

And please, don't judge their lifestyle. They don't have the same parenting styles or energy that you have. Fine. Let them live how they want.

Excellent reminder about keeping good relations that is very important to us. I'm improving on the plastered smile! And good quote to use - thanks!

Yes we don't need to be so giving and are slowly scaling back. I don't keep fragile things outside. The toddler (3 1/2) knows where we store things and opens doors and wanders through the garage etc.. When locked, he bangs and screams on the doors until he gets attention - any attention. He bangs on the house door screaming at the top of his lungs for our attention.
We have enjoyed the daughter's company. She's a tomboy and hangs out with our boys as much as possible. She always comes over to our house. If we've been out and we drive up, she runs over. After school she's knocking on the door immediately. She is omni-present. So we haven't sought her out to invite her with us, only said "you're welcome to join us" when we do include her b/c she is always always always around.

We are absolutely not judging them. We want to understand them. Initially we thought we had so much in common and we're seeing over time how very differently we view the world. This is fine with us; apparently not with them. These are opposites: judging and understanding. If we can understand them maybe we can know better how to handle this. I'm not going to compare energy levels - don't even know what that would mean. Their lifestyle affects us. If they keep the younger kids bubbled much of the day, they are starved for stimulation eventually, and so to our house at every opportunity. Likely because we are non-judgmental, open-minded and kind. Then they judge us.

Call CPS whenever the toddler wanders over unsupervised.

[Anonymous]

The next time their daughter tries to be a missionary in your own home, rather than telling her to stop, you need to speak to her mother. The girl is obviously under orders to bring it up. Just tell that family that you do not wish to discuss religion, that it is a very personal matter and because you hope to continue to be good neighbors to one another you hope they can honor that simple request.

[Anonymous]

With a fourth child on the way, I'd be concerned that this family is starting to think of your home as a defacto daycare. Beyond the religion selling, this would bother me too. You need to get a handle on this before yet another child is born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With a fourth child on the way, I'd be concerned that this family is starting to think of your home as a defacto daycare. Beyond the religion selling, this would bother me too. You need to get a handle on this before yet another child is born.

YES you figured out another concern...! Luckily our yards are large enough that we treat them like additional rooms in the house so they're to stay outside but still...they try to get indoors when possible. I've tried not to judge the constant spontaneous "playdates" as desperate attempts at socialization. And not everyone can afford the many after school activities on offer. But they also have no one else over unless its a church-related event which we know is on a rotating schedule b/c they've invited us. Its worrying also because we've lived in other countries and I've had friends of many ethnicities, nationalities, religions and the mothers have all believed in playdates. Playdates are essential to socialization unless a child gets this through daycare or relatives or otherwise spends the day getting outside-the-home experiences. This is the first household I've ever been close to that does not have regular playdates/daycare/supplemental experience exposure. Again, I'm attributing this to their religious beliefs but could be wrong.

And often I'm thinking if the mom would just acknowledge their affection for / interest in our home, which they obviously have, it might help smooth things over. Its the twisted "I'm going to pretend I don't know my kids adore you all and your home while I try to talk them out of it until you fundamentally follow the bible or at least join our church (where I can control you)..." approach. What most posters are assuming too is that the kids are getting these messages about us at home. I'd guessed that as well - thanks for the reality check. So it had stung that they praise my husband and talk about how nice he is and treat me like the meany. My husband has caught on though and is happy to take on "bad cop" role.

I think the repetitive messages everyone has shared are our best approach. They're ante-drama. They're boring and factual and clear. If they ignore such unambiguous messages we can consider a Plan B.