How many yearly family visits!? Please help!

[Anonymous]

My DW's parents are divorced and live in another state down South. My mother also lives in another state in the Pacific Northwest. We have a DS. Because of DS's unrelenting cuteness, my DW's parents and my mother want to visit ALL THE TIME. I mean: each wants to visit every three months or so for as long as possible (at least a Thursday through a Tuesday). This means about a visit a month. In other words, we have visitors in our house every month. On top of that, we have demanding jobs and often travel. And lastly, none of our family members like each other so they do not want to visit together. And one more point: we visit them at least once a year in their home states too! And they guilt-trip a lot. So what do we do? What is reasonable? Right now it feels like visits dominate our schedules. I would love to hear how often you visit or are visited by family. Need a reality check!

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation, OP. Divorce really tends to screw up family logistics, and it's us adult children who end up bearing the brunt of it. Ultimately, you have to be the guardian of your own boundaries. Families are all so different, there is no answer to "what is reasonable".

I would suggest you divide and conquer. Take DS to visit your own parents without DW, or have her join you later in the trip. She can do the same for you. That way at least one of you gets a break sometimes.

Embrace family visits as an opportunity for free babysitting and go on a date or undertake a household project. When my folks visit, we do a lot of gardening and home improvement type stuff, and they are thrilled to help out and to involve DD3 in projects, which is super fun for her.

My own parents only visit once a year, which is not enough so I have to travel more to see them. At least they are willing and able to come to you!

[Anonymous]

If it's too much, then discuss with DW what months or time frames you don't want any visitors. If the family asks to visit during those times you both need to jointly say we have blocked off x months/time for family time. I can understand how monthly visits can take a tool. Maybe 1 visitor every other month and not on the months that you go out of town to visit your family or DW family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's too much, then discuss with DW what months or time frames you don't want any visitors. If the family asks to visit during those times you both need to jointly say we have blocked off x months/time for family time. I can understand how monthly visits can take a tool. Maybe 1 visitor every other month and not on the months that you go out of town to visit your family or DW family.

OP here. I've tried this but DW is a bit of a pushover when it comes to family visits and does not stick to our careful plans! (even though we've literally spent hours planning their visits with a calendar in front of us!). DW gives into the guilt-tripping and "they're not going to be around forever."

[Anonymous]

Totally different family dynamics here, but DH's parents live few hours away from us by plane and try to see us every 6-8 weeks. The kids are small and cute and growing quickly and we love to spend time with DH's family so we try to get together at least every couple of months for 4-7 days. The only real limitation is my vacation time and $$ for plane tickets, but both sides make an effort to travel and I know that DH and his parents greatly appreciate that we get to see each other fairly often. OTOH, I have put my foot down this year a bit since I'll be spending about 75% of my vacation time for the year with them and I want a couple of days for myself. MIL is very good at wielding guilt, but she has never done it about the amount of time that we spend with them because she knows that we are making an effort. In fact she has repeatedly thanked me for how much we do go to see them.

We also spend a lot of time on Skype and Facetime so my ILs get to talk to the kids for probably at least an hour every week, but DH has always talked to his family a lot so it's really just an extension of that.

Can you push back against the guilt trips and decide what you're comfortable with and limit it to that?

[Anonymous]

What is the problem exactly? You just can't stand your life being upended every month? Are they helpful at all? Could you ask them to be more helpful?

1. Please know that as your child grows, they won't want to visit that often. You're going through an intense, but short, phase of cuteness=travel. Also, your kid won't remember any of this stuff (so take pictures).

2. Say plainly what you want, even if some of them get upset. "Our lives are so stressful right now that we can't accommodate visitors every month. We look forward to each of visiting once a year. Thanks."

3. The issue will then center around holidays: who goes where when?

[Anonymous]

I never could get a handle on this! We have family visitors almost every other weekend. If you can't say no to them, lower your standards for their visits. Stop cleaning for them or treating them list guests. Ask them to help. Once we had our second child, we dreaded the visits a lot less because we took more advantage of free babysitting/time to do projects around the house. If you plan on another child, it will be a long time before their desire to visit wanes. Where possible, push off visits for a while (i.e. this is a really busy time, how about xx) until their expectations are lowered. For the set that was more stressful to host, we would push off and then suggest a quick overnight trip meeting in the middle. The kids loved a quick road trip and I loved not having them in my house . Now our parents have some health concerns which make them want to visit more and we're sucking it up because we realize they won't be around forever. Really, as long as you aren't stressed by it, it's annoying for you but priceless for your kids.

[Anonymous]

My husband is very close with his parents and they would basically love a family bed. Generally when the in-laws visit my FIL stays for an extended weekend and then MIL stays an extra week or so after that. They are very kind people, warm, respectful of our parenting, helpful, etc. I'm an uptight WASP so not entirely comfortable with them, but whatever. I travel to where they live for work a decent amount so always bring the kids, when I do, so they can spend time with them.

We probably see each other every other month. I would prefer 3-4 times a year.

I have no relationship with my parents so they're a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

I found my ILs' visits a lot less annoying and a lot more helpful once our first was a little older and then we had a second kid.

I echo suggestions both to
a) push visits off from all of them a little longer so they are a bit more spaced out, because you do want time as a nuclear family after all
b) lower expectations of how clean the house will be, etc, when they come and
c) enlist them for help when they are there. Whoever's parents it isn't should get a hair cut or do some of there kind of errand/activity that is easier to do alone when their ILs are there. Also you and DW should go out on a date!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's too much, then discuss with DW what months or time frames you don't want any visitors. If the family asks to visit during those times you both need to jointly say we have blocked off x months/time for family time. I can understand how monthly visits can take a tool. Maybe 1 visitor every other month and not on the months that you go out of town to visit your family or DW family.

OP here. I've tried this but DW is a bit of a pushover when it comes to family visits and does not stick to our careful plans! (even though we've literally spent hours planning their visits with a calendar in front of us!). DW gives into the guilt-tripping and "they're not going to be around forever."

Once again, you don't have a visiting in-law problem, you have a DW problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's too much, then discuss with DW what months or time frames you don't want any visitors. If the family asks to visit during those times you both need to jointly say we have blocked off x months/time for family time. I can understand how monthly visits can take a tool. Maybe 1 visitor every other month and not on the months that you go out of town to visit your family or DW family.

OP here. I've tried this but DW is a bit of a pushover when it comes to family visits and does not stick to our careful plans! (even though we've literally spent hours planning their visits with a calendar in front of us!). DW gives into the guilt-tripping and "they're not going to be around forever."

Once again, you don't have a visiting in-law problem, you have a DW problem.

Tell DW to schedule at least some of the visits while you're traveling!

[Anonymous]

How about when they come, you and DW go on an overnight nearby as a mini vacation? Or go out to dinner? Or go out with your own friends.

My parents moved down the street from me and it's been a completely different experience. Before when they visited, I would clear the weekend for them. So when they moved up here, we tried to hang out with them as much as they wanted and failed miserably. We had no time to ourselves, our friends or our own hobbies. Now, we only see them a few nights a week and it's much more sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found my ILs' visits a lot less annoying and a lot more helpful once our first was a little older and then we had a second kid.

I echo suggestions both to
a) push visits off from all of them a little longer so they are a bit more spaced out, because you do want time as a nuclear family after all
b) lower expectations of how clean the house will be, etc, when they come and
c) enlist them for help when they are there. Whoever's parents it isn't should get a hair cut or do some of there kind of errand/activity that is easier to do alone when their ILs are there. Also you and DW should go out on a date!

(b) and (c) are how I deal with it. If I don't feel like I have to roll out the red carpet and put my life on hold when my in-laws come, I enjoy (or at least tolerate) their visits so much more. If they were the kind of people to insist on that kind of treatment, we'd have a problem, but they don't, so now I just clean the bathroom, change the sheets on the guest bed, and figure out what errands I can run while they take my kid to the park. They enjoy their visits, and I don't feel like I'm being put out every month. As a result, I'm willing to have them visit much more often.

[Anonymous]

I have the same issue, I just can't figure it out!

[Anonymous]

Are any of these people helpful? My dad loves to visit when my husband travels for work and it is so helpful, I always say yes. Maybe tell the more helpful grandparents that you could really use their help while your wife is traveling and away. When it's help, it won't feel like such a burden and then the visit is out of the way for awhile for you all to enjoy family time together when you're both in town.

We both travel a lot for work, so that's how we manage.