Trying to figure out why my child was so traumatized by Montessori

[Anonymous]

I know this will lead to idle speculation, but it's driving me crazy ....

My son went to a Montessori school (not in D.C. area) last year, when he was 2. He's a very verbal kid, and doesn't really struggle to tell you what he's feeling or what he's experienced.

Anyway, for the entire year, he cried every single day at drop-off, and appeared dejected and isolated every single day at pick-up.

The teachers always insisted he had a great day and was probably just still shaking off his nap. He would never tell us about his day, and the school doesn't allow parents to be in the classroom or observe in any way.

For unrelated reasons, he started at a different school this year. He's like a different kid now. He wakes up early, he's excited to go to school, he talks about his day, and he is NOT eager to leave when I pick him up.

He frequently makes a point of telling us he doesn't want to go back to his old school, although he claims he liked everybody there.

Here's the most disturbing part, though: We just happened to run into one of his teachers around town the other day. As soon as he saw her, he crumpled to the ground in tears, and curled into a fetal position on the floor. I've never even seen him do this before, as a temper tantrum or otherwise. I am beside myself, and have no idea what to think. I also don't know whether this is important to pursue, either for his healing or in order to figure out whether there's something that other parents at that school need to know.

But honestly, most kids there seem very happy, and the teachers seem incredibly gentle and kind. I wonder whether there's something about the Montessori method that just doesn't go over well with some kids???

[Anonymous]

He was probably too young for any school at 2. It wasn't "Montessori" that traumatized your child.

[Anonymous]

He was too young.

[Anonymous]

We toured a Montessori school prior to choosing our daughter's school. I am an extrovert and found the school to be so weird and wouldn't want to go there either.

[Anonymous]

I've wondered that, too, PP. There's certainly a huge difference between being 2 and 3, and one's ability to navigate and master their world.

But this interaction with his former teacher really has me puzzled.

[Anonymous]

It's always the teacher, not the method.

I'm sorry your child suffered like this, and I would be disturbed too. Did you ask other parents at that school what their experience was like? A child in our Montessori preschool cried like this every morning at drop-off. Then her next two years at the school went very well. She was apparently not mature enough that first year to handle school.

Please do not bash the Montessori method. We love our Montessori preschool, as do other parents. A method can only be as good as the teacher, be it Waldorf, Emilio Reggio, play-based or Montessori. What matters is finding the right fit child to teacher. A good school for one type of child may not be for another type of child. And then sometimes, it's the child who has to mature.


I'm glad he's feeling better at his new school.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Sounds like maybe the school/teachers weren't the best. Some kids like structure more than others but I don't think this is about the model of education. Glad you got him in a different school.

[Anonymous]

Montessori is touted as the best but in all reality it works well for some kids and not others. We toured a variety of schools and my child surprised me by liking the most structured one out of them all. I would never had him continue past a month if drop offs were that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Montessori is touted as the best but in all reality it works well for some kids and not others. We toured a variety of schools and my child surprised me by liking the most structured one out of them all. I would never had him continue past a month if drop offs were that bad.

I agree with this. It also varies widely in how it's interpreted and implemented. I've been too some schools where it is extremely rigid and others where the atmosphere is more relaxed but still using the Montessori Method.

I've also known kids who cry every day at drop off for play based preschools at two years old and sometimes even older. Sometimes, it's just a sensitive kid. Other times, the teachers, the atmosphere, the other kids can all make a difference.

In the end, it wasn't the right school for your kid. And I too would wonder about my kid if he had that reaction in seeing a former teacher. She may have been too strict.

[Anonymous]

Clearly what you're describing is about the specific teacher, who was not so nice, and not the method at hand, so your title is misleading.

2 is probably too young. The instructor was probably mean. You say your son is verbal. Ask him to elaborate on why he reacted that way when seeing his old teacher. Don't ask leading question, just ask open ended questions, and if he tells you something disturbing, nod and watch your reaction. He'll tell what really happened, if anything at all, if you don't overreact.

[Anonymous]

I have a just turned 3 yr old daughter in Montessori right now. She's been watching her 3 older siblings head off to school her entire life, and always wanted to go to school with her big sister last year. She CRIES AND CRIES every morning, and gets her "very scary" face that comes up only when she's really scared. It's terrible. I'm trying to give it a little more time, but frankly, I think the Montessori environment might not be good for all kids. My youngest loves to talk to herself while she plays or sing while she plays. I think the Montessori shroud of silence is hard. I am also concerned about it squashing the creativity right out of my two girls and instead teaching them that Item A can only be used for Purpose A, not for interesting and creating purpose A-Q-Hybrid. My 5 yr old is completely stressed out that she's not allowed to touch new "work" until the teacher carefully instructs her on how to do it.

All this being said - if your kid is an extrovert, I could see Montessori being TOUGH. My oldest, a super extrovert, would have been tossed to the curb in no time as he would never be able to comply with the "wait until I show you how", "work in silence", and "only for its intended purpose" pillars of behavior.

[Anonymous]

We had the same experience with a verbal kid who turned out to have Asperger's. We never really got to the bottom of it either, and couldn't figure it out because our neighbor's children seemed to have fun at the same school. So it probably wasn't the teacher or the method specifically -- just a really poor fit with our child. My sense now is that he often didn't understand what the expectations were for the activities for kids there -- He actually could produce a lot more language than he could comprehend, if that makes sense, and I think honestly he didn't understand a lot of what was going on.

[Anonymous]

As the others have said, it was probably a perfect storm - less than great teachers and a kid that just wasn't ready and/or wasn't a good fit for that pedagogy.

I'm glad your son is happier now, but I doubt Montessori was the problem, just as Waldorf or play-based wouldn't have been the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a just turned 3 yr old daughter in Montessori right now. She's been watching her 3 older siblings head off to school her entire life, and always wanted to go to school with her big sister last year. She CRIES AND CRIES every morning, and gets her "very scary" face that comes up only when she's really scared. It's terrible. I'm trying to give it a little more time, but frankly, I think the Montessori environment might not be good for all kids. My youngest loves to talk to herself while she plays or sing while she plays. I think the Montessori shroud of silence is hard. I am also concerned about it squashing the creativity right out of my two girls and instead teaching them that Item A can only be used for Purpose A, not for interesting and creating purpose A-Q-Hybrid. My 5 yr old is completely stressed out that she's not allowed to touch new "work" until the teacher carefully instructs her on how to do it.

All this being said - if your kid is an extrovert, I could see Montessori being TOUGH. My oldest, a super extrovert, would have been tossed to the curb in no time as he would never be able to comply with the "wait until I show you how", "work in silence", and "only for its intended purpose" pillars of behavior.

Montessori wasn't a good fit for my older child for a very similar reason. My little rule follower saw other children get disciplined (gently, I'm sure) for breaking these rules and was so terrified of getting in trouble that she tied herself in knots trying to be the perfect Montessori child. We moved her to a Reggio school for a second year of preschool and she really thrived.

It's all about the kid, though. My other daughter stayed at the Montessori school and really loved it there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had the same experience with a verbal kid who turned out to have Asperger's. We never really got to the bottom of it either, and couldn't figure it out because our neighbor's children seemed to have fun at the same school. So it probably wasn't the teacher or the method specifically -- just a really poor fit with our child. My sense now is that he often didn't understand what the expectations were for the activities for kids there -- He actually could produce a lot more language than he could comprehend, if that makes sense, and I think honestly he didn't understand a lot of what was going on.

Montessori is a terrible method for any child with an ASD. The method depends on a teacher providing guidance and social cues to lead a child to the materials and to guide the child through the materials. Kids with an ASD do not pick up on those social cues or guidance and they tend to flounder in a Montessori setting.

Montessori is also a terrible method for really creative kids. There is one right way to use the materials. If you use them creatively, you will be told that you are "wrong" and guided to doing it "right." That's a very difficult thing for creative kids -- they spend every day of their lives in Montessori being told that they are doing it wrong.

I'm glad that Montessori works for some families, but if your kid is outside the box, it's not the place of them.