I love my husband as a partner but not a father.

[Anonymous]

I just had to put that down somewhere. I stay at home but was not expecting to do 100% of the childcare. He complains when I ask him to watch the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower and relax for just a short time in the evening. Hasn't changed a diaper in months. He wants to make parenting decisions (like what brand diapers or wipes to use) even though he does not have to deal with the consequences. He's a good husband and partner but I liked him a lot more before we had a baby.

[Anonymous]

I think some men have a hard time with having to adjust their lives and give up their freedom, especially when babies are newborns because they don't interact much.

But the fact that he can't even give you 20min. tells me he's beyond "can't adjust". He's just an asshole. I don't know what else to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had to put that down somewhere. I stay at home but was not expecting to do 100% of the childcare. He complains when I ask him to watch the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower and relax for just a short time in the evening. Hasn't changed a diaper in months. He wants to make parenting decisions (like what brand diapers or wipes to use) even though he does not have to deal with the consequences. He's a good husband and partner but I liked him a lot more before we had a baby.

Your view is reasonable and I think he is being unreasonably stingy in not giving more time to child care. I suggest telling him what you have told us if you have not already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had to put that down somewhere. I stay at home but was not expecting to do 100% of the childcare. He complains when I ask him to watch the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower and relax for just a short time in the evening. Hasn't changed a diaper in months. He wants to make parenting decisions (like what brand diapers or wipes to use) even though he does not have to deal with the consequences. He's a good husband and partner but I liked him a lot more before we had a baby.

You need to convey this in slightly gentler terms (maybe?) and make some changes. It will only get harder and worse. Although some parents come into their own when the kids are walking and talking and are more "interesting" than babies. My mother didn't really care to interact with my kids until that happened, sadly, either.

[Anonymous]

Read the thread about being married to a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

It's not okay for him to not change the diaper EVER and just dump it all on you.

If I were you I would be giving him a SERIOUS come-to-Jesus talk about things that need to change, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had to put that down somewhere. I stay at home but was not expecting to do 100% of the childcare. He complains when I ask him to watch the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower and relax for just a short time in the evening. Hasn't changed a diaper in months. He wants to make parenting decisions (like what brand diapers or wipes to use) even though he does not have to deal with the consequences. He's a good husband and partner but I liked him a lot more before we had a baby.

Next time he tries to weigh in on which wipe to buy:

You: "When's the last time you wiped DC's ass?"

Him: "Um, a couple months ago but that's not relevan-"

You: "Exactly. We'll be getting my brand."



Rinse and repeat for every baby item. Sooner or later he will get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to put that down somewhere. I stay at home but was not expecting to do 100% of the childcare. He complains when I ask him to watch the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower and relax for just a short time in the evening. Hasn't changed a diaper in months. He wants to make parenting decisions (like what brand diapers or wipes to use) even though he does not have to deal with the consequences. He's a good husband and partner but I liked him a lot more before we had a baby.

You need to convey this in slightly gentler terms (maybe?) and make some changes. It will only get harder and worse. Although some parents come into their own when the kids are walking and talking and are more "interesting" than babies. My mother didn't really care to interact with my kids until that happened, sadly, either.

It's 20min. He complains about 20min. Not the OP, but if it's a baby, he really doesn't have to do much with the baby for 20min. Is he afraid the baby will poop, and he doesn't want to change the diaper. I'm sorry, he is a loser. It is his baby. Man up for god's sakes.

[Anonymous]

Are you going back to work? Have you discussed this with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to put that down somewhere. I stay at home but was not expecting to do 100% of the childcare. He complains when I ask him to watch the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower and relax for just a short time in the evening. Hasn't changed a diaper in months. He wants to make parenting decisions (like what brand diapers or wipes to use) even though he does not have to deal with the consequences. He's a good husband and partner but I liked him a lot more before we had a baby.

You need to convey this in slightly gentler terms (maybe?) and make some changes. It will only get harder and worse. Although some parents come into their own when the kids are walking and talking and are more "interesting" than babies. My mother didn't really care to interact with my kids until that happened, sadly, either.

It's 20min. He complains about 20min. Not the OP, but if it's a baby, he really doesn't have to do much with the baby for 20min. Is he afraid the baby will poop, and he doesn't want to change the diaper. I'm sorry, he is a loser. It is his baby. Man up for god's sakes.

x2. OP you know this about him. DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

As a guy, I think it also depends on how long you have had the child. Two weeks or so, well, he's still adjusting. If this the behavior going on 2-3 months, then I'd have a greater concern.

[Anonymous]

What would happen if you simply told him you were taking a shower and disappeared for 20 minutes to do it? Would he ignore a crying baby that entire time until you got out? I think it's sometimes difficult for spouses of SAHPs to appreciate that yeah, it really can be that difficult to get a 20 minute shower in if your baby isn't a good napper, or that even if you can get those 20 minutes, they're not relaxing because you're constantly listening for the baby. In their view, when the baby naps, you get a break, can shower, etc., and so when they get home, they want the same kind of break. They don't really understand that they get breaks of a variety that you don't, and that your breaks are not necessarily more restful/relaxing than theirs are. Has your husband ever been on his own with the baby for a significant period of time? It took me going to a full-day activity away from home and my husband being on his own with the baby for him to really get what it was like for me all day, and it really changed his perspective.

As for input on diapers and wipes, ignore him. My husband sometimes wanted me to go with the cheaper variety to save money, even though it didn't work as well. Since I did the shopping and the bulk of the childcare, I just told him that X didn't work in my experience so I was buying the stuff that did. Unless he wanted to start taking over significant portions of the housework and childcare, he really didn't have a basis for rebuttal.

Another thing to keep in mind, OP, is that parenting is a long-term process, and you're just in the beginning of it. People change and they mature as parents. If he really was a good guy before the baby (and not an asshole whose bad behavior you ignored), he'll come around to that again. It can be different for fathers with babies -- they didn't bond with them through the pregnancy the way mothers typically do, if you're nursing he's not doing feedings and so isn't getting as much cuddle time, and they often have a harder time emotionally connected with this little things that don't do anything, don't really have personalities, etc. As your child grows up and your husband is better able to relate to him/her and bond, you might find he comes around in a big way.

[Anonymous]

My cousin's husband is like this. And yes, he's an asshole.

[Anonymous]

He should be able to handle dealing with his own child for a little while, even if he works full-time.

It sounds like he perceives you as "nagging" and is resisting what ordinarily shouldn't be a big deal. It's sort of like a child who was about to clean his room, but now refuses to do it because his mother suddenly walked in and complained about his room not being cleaned. It's just childish passive-aggression, and can probably worked through if you point it out to him in a non-threatening way.

On the other hand, try not to be one of those clock-watching SAHMs who demand that the husband be their "relief shift" when he gets home from work. It doesn't sound like this is the case here, based on your description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should be able to handle dealing with his own child for a little while, even if he works full-time.

It sounds like he perceives you as "nagging" and is resisting what ordinarily shouldn't be a big deal. It's sort of like a child who was about to clean his room, but now refuses to do it because his mother suddenly walked in and complained about his room not being cleaned. It's just childish passive-aggression, and can probably worked through if you point it out to him in a non-threatening way.

On the other hand, try not to be one of those clock-watching SAHMs who demand that the husband be their "relief shift" when he gets home from work. It doesn't sound like this is the case here, based on your description.

It honestly doesn't matter whether he feels she is "nagging."

He's not doing the fucking work, that's pretty much the end of the story here.