Need some advice for day to day troubles - SN kid

[Anonymous]

I feel badly writing this as I know some parents have it much harder than me. My yr old 11 son has ADHD and sensory processing challenges. I also have a 4 yr old daughter. He is so difficult to manage on a day to day basis. I'm at the point where I'm thinking I must just be a terrible mom. I have absolutely no clue on how to manage his tantrums, defiances, disobedience. Time outs don't work. Calmly talking to him doesn't work either. Rewards don't work long term. No matter what I do, there doesn't seem to be any learning on his part.

A typical day goes like this:

He wakes up earlier than my daughter. Depending on his mood, he may choose to go into her bedroom and wake her up ifhe's excitable. Last night, she had nightmares and slept poorly. I was hoping she would sleep in. Wishful thinking because he went into her room, started talking to her, and woke her up from deep sleep. I was so upset.

At breakfast, he can't sit still at the table. He jumps up and down, he runs around. Telling him repeatedly to sit down does nothing. My daughter just got a set of colorful hairclips and she is admiring them now that she is done with breakfast. He grabs them, starts putting them in her hair. She's screaming for him to stop, telling him that hairclips are for girls only, to leave her hair alone. He doesn't stop. I tell him to stop and return the hairclips to her. He still doesn't stop. Then I raise my voice and tell him 3-2-1…He stops. But then he starts putting all the hairclips in his own hair, laughing all the while. She starts screaming again to give her back her hair clips. He doesn't.

Each time my daughter plays with any toy, he tries to take over the toy. If she engages in pretend play alone, he jumps in and takes over the pretend play. He seems so impulsive and unable to control himself. Sometimes she thinks he's funny but usually she is overwhelmed by his hyperactivity and annoyed that he takes over.

He is messy beyond belief. Our entire car is clean, almost always, except for where he sits. He brings pinecones, grass, crumpled leaves, acorns, whatever he found that was interesting that day and dumps it in his area. It is practically a forest there now. It would be a wildlife sanctuary except I had to put my foot down with bringing in frogs, lizards, and other things like that. No matter how many times we ask him to not bring such things in the car he doesn't listen.

We tried Concerta but it changes his personality too much. He is such a happy go lucky kid and on many ADHD meds, he is depressed and somber. The meds suck the life out of him.

Despite driving his sister and us crazy, he loves his sister deeply. Once I got upset with my daughter and spoke to her in a firm tone. He was so upset with me that he started crying and begging me to never speak to her that way. He said he would rather take her time out or do whatever he needed to do to correct or help the situation, but could not stand to see her be disciplined or spoken to in a firm tone of voice. So he has feelings and there is love and goodness deep in his heart. Sometimes though it seems like it's just for his sister and not us.

I feel like a terrible mother because sometimes yelling is the ONLY way he will stop doing whatever he's not supposed to be doing.

What can I do?

[Anonymous]

You need to get your son to a child psychiatrist for medication and med management. Once you get the right meds, your family life and your son's life will get a whole lot better.

[Anonymous]

This just depressed me so much because we already have that dynamic with our 3.5 year old son and our 2 year old daughter. UGH. Tell me it gets better, anyone.

[Anonymous]

I've got a 14 year old who sounds much like your kid. I will second the recommendation for seeing a psychiatrist for meds, plus starting a program of CBT or something similar. While you are on the hunt for a therapist, you might try reading THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD or LOST AT SCHOOL, both by Ross Greene. You can also take a look at his website: www.livesinthebalance.org. Personally, I found his work invaluable: it will get you to identify the lagging skills and unresolved problems that underlie some of your son's behavior.

Here's the thing: an 11 year old is going into MS, where the academic challenges--and the potential triggers for problematic behavior--are just going to escalate. So be strong: you CAN give your son the support he needs, though it is not easy, by any means.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'll get that book, PP. Thanks.

I just mentioned a snippet out of our day. All meals are like this. Jumping up and down, going under the table. Running around. Everybody is holding their breath.

His sensory seeking behavior really gets in the way of making friendships, relating with his sister, pretty much affects everything.

We have tried several meds, and they all suck the joy, laughter, and life out of him.

There has to be another way.

[Anonymous]

A lot of the behaviors will go away once his frontal lobes mature in his mid twenties. Until then, it does not sound like he can control himself. Find a good child psychiatrist. ADHD means he really cannot control the hyperactivity, impulsivity, attention issues..... Get him some help bc middle school is going to be a disaster from your description of his behavior at home.

[Anonymous]

You need to get the right mess for your son. They all don't suck. I second the advice to consult with a psychiatrist. My 13 yr. old son was like yours before we found the right meds and dosage for him. It has made such a difference in his and our family's life. You owe it to your son. It's clear he is suffering more than you.

[Anonymous]

^^meds not mess...

[Anonymous]

Meds definitely quiet my son down. But, when I ask my son how he feels, he doesn't feel sad or bad or anything, just quiet. And, when situationally appropriate, he is full of life and energy. My son also prefers medication because he hates that everyone hates being around him when he's not on it (he is so much like your son). I have reached the conclusion that my concern over my son looking sad, pensive, meloncholy and unenergetic is really my issue and not the reality of how he feels.

I can't imagine how bad your son must feel knowing that everyone is always frustrated with him. I second those who suggest another try at medication. Clearly, neither he nor you can manage his behavior otherwise. And, as someone who has kids in MS (my ADHD/sensory kid as well), the PP who pointed out the high expectations is correct.

[Anonymous]

He does not sound like a happy go lucky child.

You really do have to find the right medication. Even the right one might dampen his personality in the beginning - but that side effect isn't necessarily permanent.

You can't send him to middle school like this - you'll end with a kid who has no friends and fails his classes. This can't be helpful for his relationship with his sister either.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the minority but think he doesn't need meds but just some therapy. All those behaviors are not severe enough to put him on meds that seem to change his personality. He's not hitting or running away or flunking out of school as far as you've mentioned.

Does he have a therapist? What about social skills groups?

It sounds like he's a very active kid who embraces life and I would try to work with a therapist or group that thinks this is a good thing rather than a doctor who will medicate him.

I love the idea of a forest in your car. We have an NT DS who does that and it's definitely an annoying habit but if you spin that around to the positive it shows he's a very curious kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the minority but think he doesn't need meds but just some therapy. All those behaviors are not severe enough to put him on meds that seem to change his personality. He's not hitting or running away or flunking out of school as far as you've mentioned.

Does he have a therapist? What about social skills groups?

It sounds like he's a very active kid who embraces life and I would try to work with a therapist or group that thinks this is a good thing rather than a doctor who will medicate him.

I love the idea of a forest in your car. We have an NT DS who does that and it's definitely an annoying habit but if you spin that around to the positive it shows he's a very curious kid.

Most social skills groups will not take a kid like this. He has to be able to participate in the therapy. Being defiant, argumentative and not being able to stop moving is not a good candidate for therapy.

[Anonymous]

Meds and a point behavior chart would be my suggestion.

[Anonymous]

NP -- for the posters advocating meds, if she has tried concerta and other meds typically prescribed for adhd (ritilan, adderal, vyvanse, focalin, what else?) , what else would you suggest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP -- for the posters advocating meds, if she has tried concerta and other meds typically prescribed for adhd (ritilan, adderal, vyvanse, focalin, what else?) , what else would you suggest?

First post mentioned Concerta. Second said she tried a few meds. I'd go back to the psychiatrist and try again and maybe for longer.