Ex asks me to watch DS on his nights, a lot

[Anonymous]

My son's dad/ex husband has 50% shared custody. However, in the 2.5 years since we separated (and eventually divorced), he has given me DS every 3-day weekend, and about twice or more a month has obligations last minute that make him ask me to watch DS. It always ends up with him throwing a tantrum basically if I say no, sometimes it's been a two week "work" trip. I have no way of verifying any of this info, nor a way to trust him.

Anyway, my thought process is, unless I'm out of town, to take DS because I worry he'd leave him with someone untrustworthy or worse, take it out on him that he couldn't go do whatever it is he wanted to do.

But, I also feel like a total pushover. He never helps me when I need it. Can never watch him when I ask. Etc. Now, what do you do? How do you reconcile these things? I've had to lose money on events I booked because he "had to be out of town" and I had to get DS, etc. It's getting exhausting. And he just emailed asking I basically take DS again for Labor Day (shocker!) and for rest of the week. His excuse is always work.

We have no family around.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to reimburse you for events you are missing - cash and tell him if he is missing his time for work, then you are happy to help but in less you have advanced notice its not fair for you to take the financial hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to reimburse you for events you are missing - cash and tell him if he is missing his time for work, then you are happy to help but in less you have advanced notice its not fair for you to take the financial hit.

I tried. He refuses. Says not his problem, I should "have just found a friend to sit DS."

He hasn't paid child support in four months, and fights me tooth and nail for everything else, insisting I need to split costs 50/50 despite him owing me money between CS and DS being on my health insurance. Yes, I can deal with all of this in court, I just know my ex. Everything is going to end up being a court battle, and I've dealt with enough so far. It will be a court battle eventually, I'm just not up for it now.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like he values his relationship with his son. If it were me, I'd ask for full custody and just foot the bills myself.
At some point your kid will get the message loud and clear that his dad is a jerk, and it might as well be now.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how helpful this is, but in the long run, your son will know which parent put his needs first. He'll figure it out and know that you were always there for him. I know the situation is frustrating for you now, but it's clear from your post that your priority is your son and that you are a good mom. I know some people who have gone through similar situations and their kids are grown now. The now-grown kids know who had their backs when they were little and who is still there for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like he values his relationship with his son. If it were me, I'd ask for full custody and just foot the bills myself.
At some point your kid will get the message loud and clear that his dad is a jerk, and it might as well be now.

I don't mind footing the bill and getting full custody. At least I'd raise my kid right, and I will probably do that down the road. However, that is really not the loud and clear message I want my son to get. The flip side to knowing dad is a jerk, is thinking he wasn't lovable enough. And I'd never want him to assume that. I rather pick up dad's slack than let DS be hurt, I just don't want to be emotionally and financially drained through it.

[Anonymous]

Is this about money or are you annoyed he's banging other chicks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this about money or are you annoyed he's banging other chicks?

I've "banged" him before, so I'm not too jealous knowing he might be banging other chicks. I just don't want this to be another 15 years of me and my time being disrespected and me financially burdened. Because it's not just about me getting DS on every holiday I'd like a break, or me having to lose out on an event I planned for 3 months in advance.

[Anonymous]

Remind him that he can go to jail for unpaid child support.

[Anonymous]

This is a very tricky situation, one that I haven't resolved for myself. In my case, I book business travel on the nights my X is supposed to have son, so I often cannot, as in literally cannot, make the accommodation. If you have things you need to do, you might schedule them on those nights and see how things unfold.

When I do not have business travel (in other words, maybe I have a plan to take a yoga class), I have a policy that I will make the accommodation. It's partly what OP fears (it's nicer for kids to be with someone they know), but it's also because I don't want to set a rigid tone.

I'm hoping that I'm setting a tone of balance: I will if I can, but I am the breadwinner, like OP my X is delinquent on support, and our DC's health insurance and home rest on my professional success. Hopefully that's how this whole things plays out. Like OP, I have doubts and fears. It's hard to know what to do, so OP has my sympathies..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very tricky situation, one that I haven't resolved for myself. In my case, I book business travel on the nights my X is supposed to have son, so I often cannot, as in literally cannot, make the accommodation. If you have things you need to do, you might schedule them on those nights and see how things unfold.

When I do not have business travel (in other words, maybe I have a plan to take a yoga class), I have a policy that I will make the accommodation. It's partly what OP fears (it's nicer for kids to be with someone they know), but it's also because I don't want to set a rigid tone.

I'm hoping that I'm setting a tone of balance: I will if I can, but I am the breadwinner, like OP my X is delinquent on support, and our DC's health insurance and home rest on my professional success. Hopefully that's how this whole things plays out. Like OP, I have doubts and fears. It's hard to know what to do, so OP has my sympathies..

Thanks! It helps to hear from someone with a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

It is a hard situation. My first priority is that my child is safe and loved and I am willing to take her extra time to make sure that happens, but my ex is responsible and will sometimes help me out in a pinch.

What would happen if you just said no, said "well I guess you'll need to find a sitter," or didn't pick up your phone? Do you think ex would actually put your son in a dangerous situation? Some tough love might help him shape up or decide the parenting thing isn't for him-although I understand that you don't want to put your kid in a vulnerable situation while you find out how ex will react. If he'll just be pissed at you and bitch and moan, I would be really firm and refuse to cover. If you feel like he would actually do something sketchy, I would keep doing what you're doing and/or seek full custody.

Sucks.

[Anonymous]

Be happy he leaves him with you and not someone less trustworthy. Lose the bitterness. He is an ass, fine. But if you show resentment about taking care of your own son when "it isn't your turn," you will be the one he remembers as unloving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy he leaves him with you and not someone less trustworthy. Lose the bitterness. He is an ass, fine. But if you show resentment about taking care of your own son when "it isn't your turn," you will be the one he remembers as unloving.

She knows all that.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him you charge $15 an hour for babysitting or you expect him to find one. He cannot be working that much and not paying child support. Something is wrong. File with the child support office.