Ex asks me to watch DS on his nights, a lot

[Anonymous]

OP, my ex used to switch the schedule a lot to accommodate his work commitments, which he would often make without regard to the schedule. There were several times when I had to remind him of our agreement, which specifically states that if he cannot care for DD on his designated evenings, he has to ask me before he asks anyone else, and that it's not okay for him to simply make a plan for DD's care on times when he will be out of town and not tell me about that.

Ultimately, we have changed the schedule half a dozen times (without going to court every time) to accommodate what he believes his schedule will be, only to have that change a few weeks later.

I do not like it. It's not good for DD, who never knows what's going on. This fall, I am requesting that we change the schedule to one that is stable and predictable, week to week. I am not optimistic that he will go for it, and my next move will be along the lines of "every other weekend, then" because he cannot commit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy he leaves him with you and not someone less trustworthy. Lose the bitterness. He is an ass, fine. But if you show resentment about taking care of your own son when "it isn't your turn," you will be the one he remembers as unloving.

I agree. I hope your son does not hear your arguments and does not feel like a burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be happy he leaves him with you and not someone less trustworthy. Lose the bitterness. He is an ass, fine. But if you show resentment about taking care of your own son when "it isn't your turn," you will be the one he remembers as unloving.

I agree. I hope your son does not hear your arguments and does not feel like a burden.

I'm so glad you're concerned because now I will stop arguing in front of my son and make sure he doesn't feel like a burden. Because, I would never have thought that if we did have these "arguments" in front of him that it would affect him. Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a hard situation. My first priority is that my child is safe and loved and I am willing to take her extra time to make sure that happens, but my ex is responsible and will sometimes help me out in a pinch.

What would happen if you just said no, said "well I guess you'll need to find a sitter," or didn't pick up your phone? Do you think ex would actually put your son in a dangerous situation? Some tough love might help him shape up or decide the parenting thing isn't for him-although I understand that you don't want to put your kid in a vulnerable situation while you find out how ex will react. If he'll just be pissed at you and bitch and moan, I would be really firm and refuse to cover. If you feel like he would actually do something sketchy, I would keep doing what you're doing and/or seek full custody.

Sucks.

Thanks, actually valid points.

[Anonymous]

I would document every single time and then work towards full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would document every single time and then work towards full custody.

Yes. I am puzzled by the anger of those criticizing OP -- who makes plans and the such thinking, in good faith, that her ex would have the child that weekend. It isn't so much about being annoyed by having to take on childcare for her own child -- it's about having all the burden of 100% solo parenting combined with all the drama of co-parenting, and none of the benefits of either.

on the other hand, continued frustration does run a risk of "leaking" onto the child.

[Anonymous]

If he has a job that requires business travel, there is no way he should be behind on his CS. I'd go back to the support office and ask them to garnish his wages. They can do it, especially when you show that he's delinquent.

As for the time, I think you might just have to suck it up now. Who cares if you look like a pushover to your ex? He's an ass anyway, right? Your son needs you in these situations. It sucks but it's the only thing that can be done. You're his only parent, after all.

[Anonymous]

PP again...but, like another poster said, document, document, document! Then, when you go in for full custody, you'll have proof that he doesn't follow through and they will raise his CS by 50%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would document every single time and then work towards full custody.

+1

And I would take him. I'd rather it be me than someone else.

[Anonymous]

I would also keep my expectations very low from now on. Assume (to yourself) that he isn't going to take your son when he says he is. Better to be happily surprised when he does take him than the other way around.

[Anonymous]

My therapist told me to consider myself a full time parent and accept any nights that DS stays with his dad as a gift. It really sucks being the only responsible one in a case like this, but it's a reality that is worth accepting. Lower your expectations and you will find yourself happier.

At one point, my ex agreed to give me an extra $400 a month to pay for sitters on the nights that I had plans and had to cancel or hire sitters because ex decided he couldn't take DS (even though he was scheduled to).

Eventually, I got full physical custody and child support based on that. There was no fight. Ex didn't want custody. Ex sees DS only 48 hours a month. I wish it was more for my son's sake, but I can't control it (other than to make it easy for him to see DS when he wishes to do so).

Life isn't fair. Divorce sucks. But it does get better. DS is older and I am regaining some independence. I have a great relationship with him because we spend so much time together. So there are blessings.

[Anonymous]

^^PP again. I should say that we started out at 50/50 custody and it just kept dwindling down as Ex flaked out of more and more nights with DS. It became apparent that he couldn't handle (or wasn't willing to handle) much responsibility in terms of custody. You can't force a man to be a good father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to reimburse you for events you are missing - cash and tell him if he is missing his time for work, then you are happy to help but in less you have advanced notice its not fair for you to take the financial hit.

I tried. He refuses. Says not his problem, I should "have just found a friend to sit DS."

He hasn't paid child support in four months, and fights me tooth and nail for everything else, insisting I need to split costs 50/50 despite him owing me money between CS and DS being on my health insurance. Yes, I can deal with all of this in court, I just know my ex. Everything is going to end up being a court battle, and I've dealt with enough so far. It will be a court battle eventually, I'm just not up for it now.

You should document all of this, as well as the lack of payment, and go back to fight for full custody. You sound like you have a good case

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, I agree with above posters. Your ex clearly cannot handle 50/50. Document, take ds whenever ex 'cannot', and file for full custody. And have the cs adjusted to reflect this. He's paying based on 50/50, but in reality you have ds way more.

When ds is older, you can always go back to 50/50 if it is in ds best interest. For now, it appears the ex cannot handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My therapist told me to consider myself a full time parent and accept any nights that DS stays with his dad as a gift. It really sucks being the only responsible one in a case like this, but it's a reality that is worth accepting. Lower your expectations and you will find yourself happier.

At one point, my ex agreed to give me an extra $400 a month to pay for sitters on the nights that I had plans and had to cancel or hire sitters because ex decided he couldn't take DS (even though he was scheduled to).

Eventually, I got full physical custody and child support based on that. There was no fight. Ex didn't want custody. Ex sees DS only 48 hours a month. I wish it was more for my son's sake, but I can't control it (other than to make it easy for him to see DS when he wishes to do so).

Life isn't fair. Divorce sucks. But it does get better. DS is older and I am regaining some independence. I have a great relationship with him because we spend so much time together. So there are blessings.

I'm sorry to hear, but great points. I'll definitely work on that. I love DS. I don't mind taking him on those nights and spending more time with him. And I will document. Thanks for the other posters as well.