Telling family about breast cancer diagnosis

[Anonymous]

Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm still waiting for test results to come back to tell me the stage and that will determine the treatment plan.

I haven't told anyone besides my husband and one friend.

My parents and brother/SIL were away on vacation when I found out and I didn't want to tell them when they were away. Plus, I have a VERY anxious mother who will no doubt make this all about her and what a trial it is for her to handle with all the worry she has. She will be posting all over Facebook about how she's not sleeping, having stomach issues (she does this all the time) to get people to ask her why. Ugh. So I'm dreading telling her and have decided that I won't tell until I have all the facts in hand (probably late next week).

On the flip side, I am also dreading telling my ILs because I really have no relationship with them. When they visit, they never ask me anything about myself at all. They barely speak to me. I ask them questions and get pretty much one word answers. Prior to their last visit, I had cut my hair short and had lost a whole clothing size since the last time I saw them. People at work, at my DC's school, etc. were all stopping me to comment on one or the other. ILs visit for a weekend and say nothing...lol. I am literally invisible when they come, so much so that my husband notices and comments on it to me. Add to this that my MIL is a huge hypochondriac and LOVES attention. So I know this will become a huge thing to her, despite the fact that she has made no effort with me. My SIL acts similarly. She's in her mid-40's, never married/no kids and lives with my ILs. She always visits when they do and every time she is in my kids face the whole time - acting like his mommy. I generally just ignore it because they don't visit that often. But I think I'm going to have to pull the plug on that behavior when I'm sick, it's going to be too hurtful and feel like I'm going to be replaced.

Anyway -I guess I'm just venting. I hate that the dread of telling everyone this news (and dealing with their reactions) is hanging over my head. I'm going to be angry about the pity - especially from the ILs because I feel it will be disingenuous. Just trying to navigate through uncharted waters here.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, unless I needed help from the IL's, I wouldn't tell them.

Tell your mother that she is not to put your business all over FB.

[Anonymous]

My mother told us the day before her surgery. It was the week before Christmas. We were 15 and 9. For years, I has panic attacks in late December. It wasn't her fault, she had no idea what to do. You're already ahead of the game by asking for advice.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry! I hope it is early stage and your treatment plan is encouraging.

Here's what I would do - and I understand if this isn't quite right for your family dynamics.

Inlaws: I would have my DH call and tell them once you have all the information, and I'd ask him to tell them that I need some space to process things right now and if they want to send any messages, to do it through him or send via text/email. And then I'd set up a filter so emails went into a folder I could look at on my time, I'd give directions on how much I wanted DH to tell me, and if texts got out of control I might temporarily turn them off from those people.

My mom: I would unfollow her on Facebook so I didn't need to see what she was posting about the stress. Not unfriend, but just unfollow so it doesn't pop up. Depending on your relationship with brother/SIL, perhaps they would agree to be your mom's sounding board. Tell her that you really need to focus on staying positive (prove to be helpful during treatment!) and if she needs to worry and vent, you totally understand but she needs to call brother/SIL.

Basically, I would set up pre-emptive boundaries, and if people crossed them - I'd get real firm, real quick about enforcing them. Only you can decide what those boundaries are, but it is absolutely appropriate for you to tell people what you need from them right now and just remove yourself from situations where they aren't giving it to you.

The book Boundaries by Henry Cloud may be helpful, if you ever need some encouragement in this area.

Again, sending you good thoughts for healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you. I don't have experience in this area, but I agree with pp about setting boundaries. In your shoes I could honestly see waiting until you were starting treatment. You get to make this about you and your needs. It's okay to take care of yourself first. Hugs again.

I agree with this. Wait to tell them until you really can't wait any longer. I like PP's idea of preventative boundaries, as well.

Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you. I don't have experience in this area, but I agree with pp about setting boundaries. In your shoes I could honestly see waiting until you were starting treatment. You get to make this about you and your needs. It's okay to take care of yourself first. Hugs again.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry Op. Can you get away with not telling them?

[Anonymous]

Find out what stage it is, find out what the treatment plan is. And decide just how much detail you want to get into. You do not have to give any details that you are not comfortable giving. Just try to be strong and as consistent with how you relay information as possible.

[Anonymous]

I really wonder if the treatment center you choose (hospital or whatever) will have a support group or some other resource that would be a help to you.

Basically, you need a team for support. and from what you've written, your family and inlaws will actually be a detriment. Protect yourself and don't put up with their bull shit.

Here's hoping your mom steps up now that it really matters - sometimes anxious people fret away when there's nothing, but surprise you when there's actually a situation with which to deal. Hope you get a best case scenario!

[Anonymous]

Personally I wouldn't tell anyone else until you show signs of it like if you happen to loose your hair. If it's just surgery then why should they know.

[Anonymous]

Hello Sweetheart. We are sorry that you have breast cancer. Really sorry. You don't have to tell anyone until you're ready, and you can have you husband do the telling, which takes a lot of energy each time you have to say it.

Mom - be specific that Facebook is not an option for her. Keep it to herself. It's not to be shared. My Mom does this too - so annoying.

In-laws - I might tell my MIL and be very direct about what you would like from her. She may want to know a way to show support and you should give her some options.

[Anonymous]

OP - wishing you all the best as you journey through this segment of your life. I don't have cancer but I have some other issues. I also have a mother like yours and similar though not quite as extreme in laws who I don't know well either. Other than my husband and my kids (who were with me through a couple episodes) I told may be a handful of confidants -- most don't know my mom and don't have a way to contact her. Having had these issues I'm glad I've kept my mouth shut. I've taken heat for not responding to family situations -- I was in recovery. It annoyed me that was written off as a bad person but people didn't have all the information so I let it go. I got a lot of "what do you have to say for yourself ..." Type questions.

Just be prepared for taking flak if you don't share.

[Anonymous]

PP here to the person who suggested tell mom not to share your story on Facebook -- that kind of thing as NEVER worked with my mom. Maybe with people, but not my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry! I hope it is early stage and your treatment plan is encouraging.

Here's what I would do - and I understand if this isn't quite right for your family dynamics.

Inlaws: I would have my DH call and tell them once you have all the information, and I'd ask him to tell them that I need some space to process things right now and if they want to send any messages, to do it through him or send via text/email. And then I'd set up a filter so emails went into a folder I could look at on my time, I'd give directions on how much I wanted DH to tell me, and if texts got out of control I might temporarily turn them off from those people.

My mom: I would unfollow her on Facebook so I didn't need to see what she was posting about the stress. Not unfriend, but just unfollow so it doesn't pop up. Depending on your relationship with brother/SIL, perhaps they would agree to be your mom's sounding board. Tell her that you really need to focus on staying positive (prove to be helpful during treatment!) and if she needs to worry and vent, you totally understand but she needs to call brother/SIL.

Basically, I would set up pre-emptive boundaries, and if people crossed them - I'd get real firm, real quick about enforcing them. Only you can decide what those boundaries are, but it is absolutely appropriate for you to tell people what you need from them right now and just remove yourself from situations where they aren't giving it to you.

The book Boundaries by Henry Cloud may be helpful, if you ever need some encouragement in this area.

Again, sending you good thoughts for healing.

Cancer patient here and I think the above is really good advice. One of the things I have learned is that once I choose to share my diagnosis, I don't get to control how others will experience it. The only thing I can do is be explicit about my boundaries and protect myself from their reactions if they choose to make it about them. You will need all your strength in the months ahead, OP, and you don't need to take care of others or deal with their reactions to your very personal, difficult time. Your job is to take care of yourself and to surround yourself with supportive people who will concentrate on helping you get what you need to get through this.

Personally, I would advise you not tell difficult family members what you're going through. No one is entitled to deeply personal medical knowledge. However, depending on how often you see them, that may not be an option. That's why, if you have to share your diagnosis with these family members, establishing and enforcing boundaries is critical.

Also, sending you good, healing thoughts.

[Anonymous]

of all times in life to be selfish, this is it. decide what works best for you and do that.

ask your mom to not post on facebook any direct or indirect posts related to your health.
use your dh to handle his family. let him be the middle man in dealing with them so you dont have to use your energy on it.

i would be annoyed too with the issues you addressed. i can see where you are coming from.

best of luck to you. so sorry you are fighting this battle.