Cut ties with rich friend?

[Anonymous]

I have had a friend for many years, and would like some advice on how and whether to continue our friendship.  We became friends through a mutual friend when we both lived in another city.  My friend is from an extremely privileged background.  While she has worked, it has never been a standard employer-employee relationship where there are expectations about performance, hours and set vacation time.  She had her own company that her family financed and worked directly for her family.  I, on the other hand, took out loans for school and have worked full time since I was 16 years old, dealing with difficult bosses and having to manage finances.  We both have families now, and my friend is a good person.  While we don't live in the same city now, she calls regularly, comes to visit, invites us to visit her, etc.  My struggle is that our conversations involve her endlessly telling me about her life, full of parties, vacations, nannies, playdates, and now working from home.  She does not acknowledge that her circumstances are unusual, but rather has a tone of “this is how” to do things.  When I call her on it (for example, noting that a nanny is too pricey for some or that working from home is not always an option), there is either an awkward conversation or silence.  Updates about my full-time working life with kids and a hectic schedule are brief and awkward.  I have a handful of friends that I’ve known for many years, and we are all very different, so I’d like some advice on this particular friend.

[Anonymous]

If she is too self absorbed and clueless to realize others live differently, that is an important insight for you.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you are dedicated to getting her to acknowledge her privilege, like it's an obstacle you have standing before you. If you know this is who she is, why do you continue to let it bother you? Everyone, each of us, operates from our own experiences. I have friends from any number of different backgrounds. They each bring their past, culture, emotional history, etc. with them (as do I) whenever we interact.

How is this different from anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had a friend for many years, and would like some advice on how and whether to continue our friendship.  We became friends through a mutual friend when we both lived in another city.  My friend is from an extremely privileged background.  While she has worked, it has never been a standard employer-employee relationship where there are expectations about performance, hours and set vacation time.  She had her own company that her family financed and worked directly for her family.  I, on the other hand, took out loans for school and have worked full time since I was 16 years old, dealing with difficult bosses and having to manage finances.  We both have families now, and my friend is a good person.  While we don't live in the same city now, she calls regularly, comes to visit, invites us to visit her, etc.  My struggle is that our conversations involve her endlessly telling me about her life, full of parties, vacations, nannies, playdates, and now working from home.  She does not acknowledge that her circumstances are unusual, but rather has a tone of “this is how” to do things.  When I call her on it (for example, noting that a nanny is too pricey for some or that working from home is not always an option), there is either an awkward conversation or silence.  Updates about my full-time working life with kids and a hectic schedule are brief and awkward.  I have a handful of friends that I’ve known for many years, and we are all very different, so I’d like some advice on this particular friend.

I've found it difficult to maintain friendships with people when financial circumstances vary too dramatically between us. There just seems to be little common ground and we can't relate anymore. It happens.

One old friend married well (very well) and doesn't seem to grasp why I can't travel all over at the drop of a hat because we need to save for college, retirement, etc. Oh, and I have a job. Meanwhile she can charter a plane to fly their kid to summer camp rather than face that 5 hour drive. Heck, doesn't everyone do that?

Sorry OP. Some friendships don't last forever.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad about cutting ties. Sometimes you have to re-evaluate friendships. Free time is precious and limited - don't spend it on someone you don't like.

[Anonymous]

I once had a rich friend that got a multi million dollar settlement from a botched surgical procedure lawsuit. This woman did not come from money but money changed her into someone I slowly over time started to dislike.

She flaunted the money and made everyone around her feel it's too bad you're not as rich as I am, we could have so much fun. You know the type.

Let it go and find someone you have more in common with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once had a rich friend that got a multi million dollar settlement from a botched surgical procedure lawsuit. This woman did not come from money but money changed her into someone I slowly over time started to dislike.

She flaunted the money and made everyone around her feel it's too bad you're not as rich as I am, we could have so much fun. You know the type.

Let it go and find someone you have more in common with.

+1

It works both ways. Sometimes people expect handouts, or to be "treated" for everything, or cry poor mouth, because they try to count others' pennies. OP, if the money will always be an issue, you need to have other friends with whom you relate better. But crying poor mouth, then posting about your extravagant meal out, with expensive wine, that costs hundreds of dollars, is not a good idea. People can be out of touch on both sides, you see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1

It works both ways. Sometimes people expect handouts, or to be "treated" for everything, or cry poor mouth, because they try to count others' pennies. OP, if the money will always be an issue, you need to have other friends with whom you relate better. But crying poor mouth, then posting about your extravagant meal out, with expensive wine, that costs hundreds of dollars, is not a good idea. People can be out of touch on both sides, you see.

Where is it indicated that OP did any of these things?

[Anonymous]

Wealthy people have problems as well that involve managing their wealth.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to cut ties if you can accept her for who she is. She is lucky to have a friend who is not a moocher or suck up.

We have a rich friend and people even try to access that friend through us. We are not intrinsically interesting to these people, it is disappointingly clear.

But we don't try to keep up with the friend's crowd, which would be so very impossible - it is a long distance friendship based on shared history. Yours sounds similar - take her in manageable doses and keep in touch.

We do enjoy the exotic stories from our friend's life. It is entertaining and funny, and we admire the family for being well grounded amidst excess.

[Anonymous]

Reading between the lines a little, I'm wondering if she is simply telling you about her day to day life, which is what friends catching up do, and because of your discomfort with the difference between your life and her life, it is awkward to you when it's your turn to share.
With the relationship you described (phone calls regularly) it may be simply that "what did you do this weekend" is naturally going to include descriptions of things out of your reach that are her day to day reality.
With all that being said, if it is uncomfortable and awkward for you, then yes, you need to back away from this friendship. But maybe a fair look at what your part in this is would be helpful in your own life, too.
FWIW I am the "poor" person in a friendship like this, but don't have similar feelings of awkwardness when sharing about camping after listening to what her yacht captain wore to dinner, but that's just me and my friend is lovely

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting debate. I am not rolling in cash but my family does very well and have gotten use to a certain lifestyle. I sometimes wonder if I look like a rich jerk to some of my friends and family. Now starting to think I do. I agree that it is easier to be friends with people in your same socioeconomic circumstances but that is kind of sad to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel bad about cutting ties. Sometimes you have to re-evaluate friendships. Free time is precious and limited - don't spend it on someone you don't like.

Best answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had a friend for many years, and would like some advice on how and whether to continue our friendship.  We became friends through a mutual friend when we both lived in another city.  My friend is from an extremely privileged background.  While she has worked, it has never been a standard employer-employee relationship where there are expectations about performance, hours and set vacation time.  She had her own company that her family financed and worked directly for her family.  I, on the other hand, took out loans for school and have worked full time since I was 16 years old, dealing with difficult bosses and having to manage finances.  We both have families now, and my friend is a good person.  While we don't live in the same city now, she calls regularly, comes to visit, invites us to visit her, etc.  My struggle is that our conversations involve her endlessly telling me about her life, full of parties, vacations, nannies, playdates, and now working from home.  She does not acknowledge that her circumstances are unusual, but rather has a tone of “this is how” to do things.  When I call her on it (for example, noting that a nanny is too pricey for some or that working from home is not always an option), there is either an awkward conversation or silence.  Updates about my full-time working life with kids and a hectic schedule are brief and awkward.  I have a handful of friends that I’ve known for many years, and we are all very different, so I’d like some advice on this particular friend.

Perhaps you can just ignore the "tone" as long as she isn't specifically saying that you should be doing things differently? If anything, you may be the one who is being critical by pointing out that a nanny is too pricey for some, etc. Why not just listen to her updates for their own sake and not bring in thoughts of whether everyone could do things in the same way?

[Anonymous]

It seems like you are dedicated to getting her to acknowledge her privilege, like it's an obstacle you have standing before you. If you know this is who she is, why do you continue to let it bother you? Everyone, each of us, operates from our own experiences. I have friends from any number of different backgrounds. They each bring their past, culture, emotional history, etc. with them (as do I) whenever we interact.

How is this different from anyone else?

Wow you are crazy. What time is Glenn back on tonight?