German estate - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was very young. My dad, a German national, returned to Germany and remarried. My mom remained here and also remarried. I had a few birthday cards and gifts from my dad in the early years, but contact dwindled to nothing. I learned that he and his new wife had their own children. My relationship with my stepdad was fine - not exactly loving but no real issues. After my mom died a few years ago I felt that my "real" father should at least know the news, and through the powers of the internet managed to establish contact. Correspondence since has been infrequent but polite. He hasn't shown much interest in what I have been doing, nor in his (I think) only grandchildren, but occasionally sent holiday greetings. We agreed that if ever I was in Germany or he in the US we would get together, but I guess we both knew that was unlikely.

That won't happen now because I have had an email from one of his sons (my half-brother) to say that he died.

A tiny part of me is regretful that we didn't manage to meet up but I can't honestly say I feel sad. I do harbor some resentment that he carved out a life with a new family with no regard for his old one. Before my mom remarried she struggled as a single mom with no contribution from my father - though I have no idea whether that was her choice or not.

My question regards my father's estate. Germany has a law of "forced heirship", meaning that even if there is no provision made in a person's will, the state will force an estate to be divided among heirs, principally the spouse and surviving children. So even if my father has not mentioned me in his will, I am legally allowed to make a claim and the state is obliged to honor it. I have no idea yet if my "half-siblings" intend to pre-empt this by making a provision for me, or indeed if I should make my own claim or even how to do that.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, as I never knew the guy - and financially DH and I are comfortable, so it's not about the money.
But part of me thinks that this whole situation was of his choosing, not mine, and I might feel empowered if I managed to grab something from it, if only to put a something into his grandchildren's college funds.
What are your thoughts on this?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

A part of your history died. Your father took with him the opportunity you had to understand your earliest years and your biological heritage. That's a significant loss.

Money is never about money. Do you want to visit his household or see the life he built? If so, I encourage you to do so. Your question about money could be a placeholder for other needs, especially since you state upfront that the money wouldn't change your circumstance considerably.

I learned so much about my parents after they died, is that what you're looking for an opportunity to "know" him in some tangible way? Maybe a therapist or good friend could help you think this through?

Grief takes many forms and despite the very limited contact you had with your father, it doesn't take away from the loss you are experiencing. I encourage you to consider this as you make your decisions.

[Anonymous]

I would leave it be. If your father didn't include you in the will, why doubled you want pursue this? What do you hope yo gain really? Any money doesn't make up for a lost relationship. I would think it would only prolong the pain and feelings of rejection. Is this to spite the half-siblings got having the relationship and get money you didn't get?

[Anonymous]

I would leave it be, too.

[Anonymous]

I would pursue it. He got nothing from him and he was your father.

[Anonymous]

^^
*you* got nothing from him...

[Anonymous]

Do you really want to spend the next year diving down a German legal rabbit hole?

[Anonymous]

If it's relatively easy to do this or would be done automatically, then sure. But if you have to expend much effort to get the portion, then I would say just let it go.

[Anonymous]

I'd let it go. Legal proceedings in another country are a pain in the ass. You might have a legal claim to the estate, but you will probably be happier if you just let it go. You're not going to get closure from getting embroiled in an effort to take money that was not meant for you.

[Anonymous]

You would definitely have to hire a German lawyer on your behalf if you wanted to pursue it. Are you interested in making connections with your half-siblings? A good start would be to let them know that you will not be making a claim on the estate but you'd love to correspond with them.

[Anonymous]

I would let it go. What purpose could it possibly serve? It will not empower you to take something from half-siblings you don't know simply out of spite. You both maintained contact for years and never reached out to become involved in each others lives. I would assume that something lies in the root of your parents' divorce that set the tone for this non-relationship. You admit you don't know if his non-support was of your mother's choosing. You mention little about your mother but perhaps there is a backstory that greatly affected his departure from your life. You are not going to get answers now. You will only build a higher wall between you and your German half-family. Someday when people with less emotion are involved it will be better. Maybe your children will wind up studying there and getting to know their family without bitterness.

[Anonymous]

If the money itself isn't the issue, I would let it go. The person you're upset with, the person you want satisfaction from, is dead and will never know whether you do this or not so you're not really going to get what you want. The only people who will be affected by it are his family over in Germany, and you don't really know them, their situation or their emotional lives to know how an effort like that may hurt them.

[Anonymous]

As someone who inhereted a large some of money internationally - it's just not worth the headache.

Seriously. Leave it alone. The taxes alone will make your life a living hell.

[Anonymous]

Do you know any Germans tuat you can pose this question to?

They might look at this differently than we do due to their culture.

Where we might see it as pp stated "you taking things that were never intended for you" they might see it as "Well, of course. That is why the law is there."

Did your father's children tell you about this law or did you find out about it on your own? If they are the ones who told you, perhaps they want you to have a share of his estate since you receieved so little, not only money but emotional support, while he was alive. Perhaps they are upset by this and think their father was wrong and you deserve a share. Perhaps this was a conflict in their family over the years.

I am trying to put myself in their position and given what you have posted here I might feel the same way.

How would you feel if you were in their position and you found out as an older teen or adult that your father had abandoned your sibling from his first marriage?

[Anonymous]

Tax, FATCA, fbar etc will also be a nightmare, in addition to a lawyer you will need a good accountant.