German estate - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that said if it is easy to do, go for it. It is not worth wasting energy and getting angry with a foreign legal system if it proves difficult.

I'd put the money in a retirement account and leave it there (if it is not co-mongled with other funds, it will be not have to be divided if you ever divorce). If something unexpected happens in your life (divorce, sick spouse, loss of income, etc.) you can dip into those funds. If none of those things happen, the money could be used to support your mother in her old age (as she never got any funds from him to begin with) or you could donate it to a foundation that supports single moms in your mother's honor.

I let a lot of money go in an estate because other family members needed the money more than we did. Five years later I was divorced and jobless. I regret letting it all go now, but I don't get all worked up over it.

[Anonymous]

Tough call. Your father was a louse IMO.

What do you know of his financial situation?

If you truly do not need anything from him and he may have a modest estate, let it go.

If he has a substantial estate and you are willing to go to the expense and emotional involvement, perhaps consider it.

IMO you are fully entitled to your share in light of the back story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough call. Your father was a louse IMO.

What do you know of his financial situation?

If you truly do not need anything from him and he may have a modest estate, let it go.

If he has a substantial estate and you are willing to go to the expense and emotional involvement, perhaps consider it.

IMO you are fully entitled to your share in light of the back story.

addendum to last point ... unless as another poster noted, there is more to his leaving than you know about and somehow it may mitigate what he did in leaving.

[Anonymous]

OP do you speak German? How often do you go to Germany?

I stand to inherit a small amount from my uncle in my native country that has similar laws to Germany. It's easy to get, you get an invite from a court and just basically sign a paper saying you want it. You only need a proof that he is your father and that he is dead.

That said I go there fairly often and it would be difficult if I didn't know the language.

[Anonymous]

well, how much money are we talking? I think this is a straight cost/benefit analysis. The law is the law, I would attach no morality to your decision.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the replies.

I am hoping that my "real dad" has made a provision for me in his will. It would be a gesture, no matter how small, that would be much appreciated and would grant me the option of accepting it or letting the family he has known retain it.

The difficulty would come if I wasn't named in the will. Yes, I would feel discarded again (by him). As I mentioned, German law of forced inheritance would grant me a share of the estate, if I wished to make a claim. I believe (from German friends here, who could put me in touch with a local lawyer) that it is a straightforward process. If I did pursue that, it would not be out of spite. I bear no malice towards my half-siblings and my dad's widow (in fact, I don't have any feelings, other than sympathy, for them). I would just seek what German law enshrines as my father's responsibility towards me - even if it posthumous. He and his family would have been well aware of this

DH and I look at our darling children and cannot comprehend how a parent can shut children out of their life. My youngest is the same age as I was when my dad left. If I did pursue a claim it would be for them - as far as I am aware they are his only grandchildren, yet he showed no interest in them. I really hope it doesn't come to this, but I would be inclined to make a claim if I am not mentioned in the will.

Forgive me for just speculating at this stage, but my feelings are so confused and I still hold out hope that I won't have to make this decision and that my dad's final gesture to me was one of thoughtfulness.

[Anonymous]

If I needed the money, I'd do it. If you don't need it, don't put yourself through the headache.

[Anonymous]

Don't get your hopes up that your father provided for you in his will. Don't let him add one more disappoint to your life.

[Anonymous]

Different people will feel differently about this, but, for me, a forced inheritance would do nothing for feelings of abandonment.

[Anonymous]

I would pursue it to see how difficult the process is. If pretty straight forward I'd do it and invest it for your children's college.

[Anonymous]

What is the back story on your mother and father's marriage and divorce? I think there has to be some clue there. What did she tell you about that part of her life? (If she didn't talk about it I would say that is a big clue!)

Maybe he was a turd and just walked away and she learned to cope.

Maybe she knew something terrible about him and forced him away.

Maybe there was a legal issue regarding everyone's out of country moves.

Too many moving parts to make a judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the back story on your mother and father's marriage and divorce? I think there has to be some clue there. What did she tell you about that part of her life? (If she didn't talk about it I would say that is a big clue!)

Maybe he was a turd and just walked away and she learned to cope.

Maybe she knew something terrible about him and forced him away.

Maybe there was a legal issue regarding everyone's out of country moves.

Too many moving parts to make a judgement.

So these would justify his complete abandonment of his own child? Not the mother but child itself? Unless he was homeless be surely make an effort to get to know his daughter and her children? Don't you think his level of disinterest is a bit much regardless of his relationship with OPs mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies.

I am hoping that my "real dad" has made a provision for me in his will. It would be a gesture, no matter how small, that would be much appreciated and would grant me the option of accepting it or letting the family he has known retain it.

The difficulty would come if I wasn't named in the will. Yes, I would feel discarded again (by him). As I mentioned, German law of forced inheritance would grant me a share of the estate, if I wished to make a claim. I believe (from German friends here, who could put me in touch with a local lawyer) that it is a straightforward process. If I did pursue that, it would not be out of spite. I bear no malice towards my half-siblings and my dad's widow (in fact, I don't have any feelings, other than sympathy, for them). I would just seek what German law enshrines as my father's responsibility towards me - even if it posthumous. He and his family would have been well aware of this

DH and I look at our darling children and cannot comprehend how a parent can shut children out of their life. My youngest is the same age as I was when my dad left. If I did pursue a claim it would be for them - as far as I am aware they are his only grandchildren, yet he showed no interest in them. I really hope it doesn't come to this, but I would be inclined to make a claim if I am not mentioned in the will.

Forgive me for just speculating at this stage, but my feelings are so confused and I still hold out hope that I won't have to make this decision and that my dad's final gesture to me was one of thoughtfulness.

Are you sure there is a will? I am one of the PPs and in my country (also in Europe and with forced inheritance laws) very few people write wills.

[Anonymous]

Pursuing it might make a messy situation with his family - you don't need to deal with their anger at you, or accusations of greed or whatever they might come up with. You'd be fighting with strangers over money in an emotional mess because of someone you never really knew. He was wrong - a million times wrong - for not having a relationship with you. But you also chose as an adult that you weren't too interested in pursuing a relationship either.

I say let it go. Mourn the loss of the man who was once, briefly, your father. Mourn the relationship that you never had. But let the money go.

[Anonymous]

I lived and worked in Dusseldorf, German for a year, and the bureaucracy necessitated by pretty much ANY paperwork is intense and time consuming. Also, they aren't gong to give you English translations. You would need to hire a German lawyer when you got there, and then expect a long, tedious process. It really isn't worth it, I don' think, and will cause stress to all involved.

Fun fact: if an American works in Germany for less than two years, the American is entitled to file to reclaim certain taxes they paid while working in Germany (and taxes are huge, so this is considerable). I worked in Germany in 2007-8, but haven't ever even bothered to start the process to claim my tax money back because I know how tedious the process will be. That is how much I hate German bureaucracy, and that's not even in a time of stress/post funeral issues.

Don't do it. You'll regret, I guarantee.