German estate - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the back story on your mother and father's marriage and divorce? I think there has to be some clue there. What did she tell you about that part of her life? (If she didn't talk about it I would say that is a big clue!)

Maybe he was a turd and just walked away and she learned to cope.

Maybe she knew something terrible about him and forced him away.

Maybe there was a legal issue regarding everyone's out of country moves.

Too many moving parts to make a judgement.

So these would justify his complete abandonment of his own child? Not the mother but child itself? Unless he was homeless be surely make an effort to get to know his daughter and her children? Don't you think his level of disinterest is a bit much regardless of his relationship with OPs mom?

Not necessarily. Maybe she suspected him of abuse or molestation. Maybe he had something in his background that she was scared of and insisted he leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that said if it is easy to do, go for it. It is not worth wasting energy and getting angry with a foreign legal system if it proves difficult.

I'd put the money in a retirement account and leave it there (if it is not co-mongled with other funds, it will be not have to be divided if you ever divorce). If something unexpected happens in your life (divorce, sick spouse, loss of income, etc.) you can dip into those funds. If none of those things happen, the money could be used to support your mother in her old age (as she never got any funds from him to begin with) or you could donate it to a foundation that supports single moms in your mother's honor.

I let a lot of money go in an estate because other family members needed the money more than we did. Five years later I was divorced and jobless. I regret letting it all go now, but I don't get all worked up over it.

This sort of thing will NOT be easy in Germany. Guaranteed. If you insist on going forward with it, though, plan on going to Germany and hiring a great lawyer, and then putting in some time. If you don't speak German, the process will be even more tedious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was very young. My dad, a German national, returned to Germany and remarried. My mom remained here and also remarried. I had a few birthday cards and gifts from my dad in the early years, but contact dwindled to nothing. I learned that he and his new wife had their own children. My relationship with my stepdad was fine - not exactly loving but no real issues. After my mom died a few years ago I felt that my "real" father should at least know the news, and through the powers of the internet managed to establish contact. Correspondence since has been infrequent but polite. He hasn't shown much interest in what I have been doing, nor in his (I think) only grandchildren, but occasionally sent holiday greetings. We agreed that if ever I was in Germany or he in the US we would get together, but I guess we both knew that was unlikely.

That won't happen now because I have had an email from one of his sons (my half-brother) to say that he died.

A tiny part of me is regretful that we didn't manage to meet up but I can't honestly say I feel sad. I do harbor some resentment that he carved out a life with a new family with no regard for his old one. Before my mom remarried she struggled as a single mom with no contribution from my father - though I have no idea whether that was her choice or not.

My question regards my father's estate. Germany has a law of "forced heirship", meaning that even if there is no provision made in a person's will, the state will force an estate to be divided among heirs, principally the spouse and surviving children. So even if my father has not mentioned me in his will, I am legally allowed to make a claim and the state is obliged to honor it. I have no idea yet if my "half-siblings" intend to pre-empt this by making a provision for me, or indeed if I should make my own claim or even how to do that.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, as I never knew the guy - and financially DH and I are comfortable, so it's not about the money.
But part of me thinks that this whole situation was of his choosing, not mine, and I might feel empowered if I managed to grab something from it, if only to put a something into his grandchildren's college funds.
What are your thoughts on this?

Take your share. If you don't want it or need it, give it to your (formerly) single mother. Your dad abandoned her and she stepped up to take care of you on her own.

I say this as a firm believer in "Don't fight. Share fairly." when it comes to estates. I game both of my brothers more than their share of my father's estate because my dad left me some money outside of the state, in an brokerage account that was "payable on death."

[Anonymous]

Just leave it. Unless you speak German fluently and your Dad had a large estate, it would not be worth your time and mental energy. My American father had to settle his parents' German estate and even though he was raised there and spoke German fluently, it took years.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss,
OP from your description, I would pursue. It seems like you may need some final closure. Regardless of whether you are named or not, per German law you are to be named and his estate is to be divided into equal parts.

For me, it would not be about the money but about closing a part of my life, that whether or not you want to admit is a part of you, it was your biological father.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you?

[Anonymous]

If you remove the part about Germany, would you follow-up if it was in the States?

Plenty of people have Dads that they are estranged from state side.

Let's say you take the money from g'pa and fund the kids 529. So each time you say "Jr. went to Harvard on G'pa's money". Your & your kids will end up giving him more credit than he deserves. Even dead money comes with ghosts. Don't give your dad that power.