I really need advice! DD just stunned me and I don't know what to do.
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Anonymous
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A little background: We are relatively new to the area and DD(12) has had friends in past but mostly an introvert. Well she met two girls in the neighborhood and they hit it off really well. Fast forward about 5 months and they are constantly fighting in this triangle. She is very close to The Alpha girl and when they fight Alpha tells Beta to not talk to her as well.
I knew this was happening but figured some of this is normal but I just got to read some text messages from Alpha during a fight. Told DD terrible things such as shut up, go away, you don't want to make me angry because I will always win in a fight etc... Really just mean stuff. Alpha is in position of power and knows it and can withhold her friendship and influence beta girl too. Now the absolute worst part. Dd tells me she is bisexual and has a crush on the alpha. I was floored. I JUST found out about the way she talks to my daughter and now I get slammed with this. I am really having a hard time accepting the fact that my DD likes a girl. Especially one that I don't like. I would love to have her end this friendship completely for all the reasons above but I don't want to lose my daughter's fragile trust in confiding in me in the first place. However, I am terrified that this bully will tell everyone and my daughter will be teased. I guess there is nothing I can do to control what the other girl does but they are always fighting and I know it is only a matter of time before alpha holds this against her. Wtf am I going to do? Alpha is one of just a few friends she has btw so I would be essentially be cutting out her entire social life if I force her to end friendship with this toxic person. |
Anonymous
| A therapist needs to advise on this. You are right that there is just a lot there and it is a land mine. I would absolutely (as the mom) consult with a therapist on the situation for advice. |
Anonymous
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You need to separate a couple of different things. You need to accept that DD is bisexual. This is your daughter who you love, and this is who she thinks she is. So tell her you love her and accept her.
The reality is, school is starting soon. Get DD busy. Push her to get into a sport and a club and another after-school activity. Encourage and facilitate friendships with other girls. Basically, dilute the Alpha's importance. Without mentioning the Alpha, have conversations with DD about mean girls, how friends treat each other, qualities we look for in friends, etc. Let HER make the decision to pull away from the Alpha. Talk to her about homosexuality the same way black parents have to talk to their kids about being black in public. Some people are VERY prejudice, and it's completely wrong, but you need to protect yourself from these people. Suggest ways she can find out friends views on homosexuality and bisexuality BEFORE coming out to them. Suggest that she think VERY hard about coming out to friends who tend to gossip. But tell her it's okay that she's bisexual and you always love and accept her. |
Anonymous
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This is a tough one. Growing up I had a very toxic frenemy in my life. I didn't realize she wasn't a real friend and wasn't treating me well. I wish a parent had talked to me about this. Maybe just tell your daughter how she deserves to be treated by a friend and by a boyfriend or girlfriend. Ask her if Alpha girl makes her feel good about herself or treats her with respect. Ask her if alpha girl wants the best for her, is happy when she succeeds at something, and is someone who keeps her confidences.
I wouldn't forbid your daughter from having this friendship, but I'd talk to her about what emotionally healthy relationships look and feel like. And it's great that she confides in you. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Good advice above, I'd focus on teaching your child about healthy relationships of all sorts, friends or romantic. They need to treat her well, and she needs to know she can't accept anything less. |
Anonymous
| Well, I think you are getting a little caught up and going overboard. At 12, I don't think your DD knows for sure she is bisexual. She may be attracted to her friend in a non sexual way but have really strong emotional feelings and really want to hang out with her a lot and see the same thing you do - that this girl has "power". She likes to spend a lot of time with this girl, she only wants this girl to be friends with her, she thinks this girl is pretty -viola - in a 12 yr old mind this hits the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend. But in reality it's probably more drive by her anxiety/fear/insecurity and wanting to cling to a person who can help her navigate socially then anything that's really sexual in nature. |
Anonymous
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Other than 7:13, I agree with the advice the PPs gave you. You need to separate your DDs statement of her sexuality from the toxic dynamics of the relationship. My DD went through something similar this summer and it was really tough to watch. But, she will encounter people like this toxic 'friend' throughout her life and she needs to learn to navigate through it. It's really important that she learn what healthy, respectful relationships are. It's okay to fight, have disagreements - learning to recover after a fight is also a life skill. But, there are boundaries.
I recommend Queen Bees and Wannabes. http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Realities/dp/0307454444 |
Anonymous
No, you don't. I wouldn't take that very seriously. Ignore it. |
Anonymous
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Agree with all the above, 00:29 in particular.
I think you also need to relize that your influence over all of ghis is limited. These are the kind of things that happen in adolescence, and it is her journey. |
Anonymous
Sorry, i meant 00:31, not 00:29. I would not go to a therapist. |
Anonymous
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You can't do anything directly.
Best thing you can do is subtly encourage a diversification of friends. She should join a sports team. Or a music group (band/orchestra), or church group (bonus there is they might nip that gay thing in the bud). Anywhere she will come into contact with other kids. |
Anonymous
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To the PPs who think a 12-year-old can't possibly know her sexuality - would you think the same thing if OP's DD had a crush on a boy? Please leap into the 21st century and accept that today's kids can put words to their feelings, which is a tremendous advantage to parents in understanding them and how to help them.
To the other PPs who provided helpful advice, as a lesbian who experienced this exact same situation more than once in my youth, thank you. OP, your DD has to learn how to handle people like Alpha. Let her work it out, and just be there when the tears fall. |
Anonymous
| A lot of 12 year old girls go through a "love affair" with another girl, especially an alpha. try to keep lines open, support your DD and do not over react. It is hard to break up those triangles -- you will just make it stronger by trying. Use skill and delicacy. |
Anonymous
Good advice. Dd went through this in middle school and got through it but it took some time. It's hard to see your kid enthralled with a toxic friendship that you want them to walk away from. Dd also happens to be bi but that was a separate thing from the middle school mean girl thing. In our experience, kids' ideas about their sexuality evolve over time. Be supportive and let her figure it out. |
Anonymous
| I won't take the bisexual thing to heart quite yet. When I was 13 I went to an all girls school and my classmates would idolize the older girls and have crushes on them. One of the girls even had a fan club. It was like a boy band scenario. They all grew out of it. I would focus on the bullying and getting you daughter out of that situation for now. |