I really need advice! DD just stunned me and I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

I would be most concerned about her understanding healthy relationships. I would talk to her about the way Alpha is treating her and ask her, if this would be the way she thinks she deserves to be treated in a relationship ( romantic or friendship)? This is verbal abuse and you daughter needs to understand that verbal abuse has no place in a relationship, esp romantic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who think a 12-year-old can't possibly know her sexuality - would you think the same thing if OP's DD had a crush on a boy? Please leap into the 21st century and accept that today's kids can put words to their feelings, which is a tremendous advantage to parents in understanding them and how to help them.

To the other PPs who provided helpful advice, as a lesbian who experienced this exact same situation more than once in my youth, thank you.

OP, your DD has to learn how to handle people like Alpha. Let her work it out, and just be there when the tears fall.

Is just downplaying sexuality and focusing on healthy relationships for a 12 year old really being archaic?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for the thoughtful advice. My instinct is to stop the relationship completely but she will still have to deal with alpha on bus and at school. We did talk more last night when she came in crying again when Alpha was trying to debase her during a group text chat. She wants to step back for a while from this girl and I am all for that.

I especially took to heart the comments about the bisexual part. I really want to believe that the feelings are tied into the attention that alpha gives her and are getting confused with romantic ones. I am also wary of making them stronger by having a Romeo and Juliet scenario. Unfortunately, DD informed Alpha of my feelings so now it gets even more convoluted.

[Anonymous]

Can you go away for a time? Even a short time away will be beneficial. The girls are bored and it is August -- things build up. Then school starts and everyone has new things to think about. Sometimes time away helps to tone down the intensity.

[Anonymous]

I would be most concerned about her understanding healthy relationships. I would talk to her about the way Alpha is treating her and ask her, if this would be the way she thinks she deserves to be treated in a relationship ( romantic or friendship)? This is verbal abuse and you daughter needs to understand that verbal abuse has no place in a relationship, esp romantic.

This.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should focus on how the friend is mistreating your DD rather than the bisexuality. I had a relationship with a girl when I was 14 that was similar in some ways to this. The girl was not abusive, but she was tough, daring, funny, and wild. She also turned out to be a lesbian. I remember liking the attention she gave me, and I didn't like when she hung out with other girls, etc. But it was a phase, and I moved on (and she went to drug rehab). I'm straight....I've never had a relationship with a woman. But if you asked me during that 6-9 months of my life, I might have said I was bi because I was kind of infatuated with that girl. Maybe it will turn out your DD is bi, maybe not. But, as others have said, I would focus on the fact that her "friend" is mistreating her and she deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good advice above, I'd focus on teaching your child about healthy relationships of all sorts, friends or romantic. They need to treat her well, and she needs to know she can't accept anything less.

Agree. OP, I think focusing on healthy relationships and respect in general is the key message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't do anything directly.

Best thing you can do is subtly encourage a diversification of friends.

She should join a sports team. Or a music group (band/orchestra), or church group (bonus there is they might nip that gay thing in the bud). Anywhere she will come into contact with other kids.

Because that works so well...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't do anything directly.

Best thing you can do is subtly encourage a diversification of friends.

She should join a sports team. Or a music group (band/orchestra), or church group (bonus there is they might nip that gay thing in the bud). Anywhere she will come into contact with other kids.

Because that works so well...

I have a 12 yo. She barely knows what sexual feelings are, let alone capable of self-identifying as bisexual or gay.

So, yeah. Church youth groups tend to provide a more sensible and nurturing environment where morals are stressed and sexual deviancy is downplayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you should focus on how the friend is mistreating your DD rather than the bisexuality. I had a relationship with a girl when I was 14 that was similar in some ways to this. The girl was not abusive, but she was tough, daring, funny, and wild. She also turned out to be a lesbian. I remember liking the attention she gave me, and I didn't like when she hung out with other girls, etc. But it was a phase, and I moved on (and she went to drug rehab). I'm straight....I've never had a relationship with a woman. But if you asked me during that 6-9 months of my life, I might have said I was bi because I was kind of infatuated with that girl. Maybe it will turn out your DD is bi, maybe not. But, as others have said, I would focus on the fact that her "friend" is mistreating her and she deserves better.

I agree. I had a "crush" on another girl at that age. I was a quiet, insecure, introvert. She was a beautiful and popular alpha girl. I am not gay, or bisexual, and never have been. Kids at that age don't always know how to process big emotions, and it is easy to try to fit them into a box. What I was feeling was admiration, envy, self-doubt. I wanted to be like that girl, but in the moment, it felt romantic. So, focus on teaching your daughter what healthy and mutual relationships look like. Maybe she is bisexual, or maybe it is admiration masquerading as a crush. At her agae, all that matters is that she develop good self- esteem.
She could be bisexual, but I don't think that is the issue that really needs to be addressed right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did your daughter say to the Alpha girl about your feelings?

It might be that your daughter was trying to express her own feelings but blaming them on you? "My mom thinks...."

I agree with others -- you need to get your daughter involved with other activities. Even if she doesn't make friends there, she needs to be spending time with other groups so she doesn't have time to deal with this Alpha girl. You say if you forbid the friendship, that will be taking away your daughter's social life. IMagine if this were a boyfriend and you felt like breaking up with him would mean your daughter has no friends! No good! She needs other people to be with, to text with.

I might consider telling her you were punishing her by taking away her phone for a few weeks, just so she can tell her friends that she is being grounded and lost her phone and she can get out of these bad text sessions where she is being degraded.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned that she's introverted. She may not be happy with some of the others' suggestions (church youth group, sports teams, etc). Those are fun for extroverted kids.

How does she like to spend her time? Would she like an art class? Chess club? An activity where she can find "her people" might be more helpful.

[Anonymous]

"So, yeah. Church youth groups tend to provide a more sensible and nurturing environment where morals are stressed and sexual deviancy is downplayed. "

Are you kidding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"So, yeah. Church youth groups tend to provide a more sensible and nurturing environment where morals are stressed and sexual deviancy is downplayed. "

Are you kidding?

So being gay or bisexual is "sexual deviancy"?

I tried a church youth group as a kid. Most bigoted, inward looking, hypocritical people I had ever met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So, yeah. Church youth groups tend to provide a more sensible and nurturing environment where morals are stressed and sexual deviancy is downplayed. "

Are you kidding?

So being gay or bisexual is "sexual deviancy"?

I tried a church youth group as a kid. Most bigoted, inward looking, hypocritical people I had ever met.

Depends on the church really. Our church's youth group was the only place one teen we know felt comfortable coming out.