Women who are the breadwinner, what expectations do you have from your husband?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are in our 30's, and he's on a fellowship while I work fulltime. We also have an infant baby. For a year now, I've supported this family on my own (financially), and with the baby most of the responsibilities are on me (since I nurse him). Last night my husband and I had a real heart to heart, and that's when I realized that because of our situation, I've ended up just doing things on my own and don't really need him. I even asked him if he feels like he does anything that contributes to our marriage and he couldn't think of any.

So I guess I was wondering if there are women out there who support their family financially, what expectations do you have from your husband? How do you expect him to contribute to your marriage/family?

[Anonymous]

I'm the breadwinner but I work similar hours to my husband so we split the housework evenly. However, we set up a schedule for when things get done and who will do them (i.e. Wednesday and Sunday - he vacuums). We didn't have a set list of who does what when we got married and I ended up doing everything and resenting the hell out of it. It's really helped us to have an agreement as to who does what so I don't end up shouldering all of the housework.

For parenting, he has as much responsibility as I do. Pregnancy and breastfeeding were the only things I could do that he couldn't; other than that, no free passes. Unless something requires a uterus, vagina or a functioning mammary gland, it isn't gendered work and sure as shit shouldn't default to the woman doing it.

[Anonymous]

I cook, he cleans
I do my laundry, he does all other laundry
We have a cleaning person come every other week, we both get the house ready.
He has more sick leave, he does baby doctor visits.
He cuts the lawn, I plant the pots.
I grocery shop, he will stop to get a few things, he shops for wine.
We split bedtime.
I do math/science homework, he does english/history (this is just later for you).
He does morning routine, I do afternoon routine.
I am the logistical coordinator.
He does all clothes shopping for our kids.
He and I both coached a sport.
We both volunteers at school.

[Anonymous]

Why does nursing mean most of the baby responsibilities are on you? Your DH can do diapers, laundry, bath, playtime, outdoor time, clean and prep bottles for daycare, a million things. Soon the baby will be eating food, and your DH can prepare, feed, and clean up. There is no reason he can't do all of these things. You think you don't need him now, but your child needs an involved father, and if you have another baby you sure will need DH to be involved. So get him going now.

I am not the breadwinner at all, and here is our split. DH does daycare pickup and dropoff, and almost all of the cooking and cleanup, as well as the grocery shopping. He also maintains the car, deals with computers, does most of our travel planning, and is the point person for home maintenance and home improvement issues as they come up. Yes, he is stellar. I do slightly more than half of the childcare, baths, laundry and make sure DD has appropriate clothes and other items, stay on top of Amazon purchasing such as pull-ups, do various other home tasks like keeping closets organized, and lead our involvement in the neighborhood school.

[Anonymous]

I earn about the same as my husband, and he does a lot around the house:

Pays bills/balances checkbook
About half the laundry
Cooks meals or cleans up if I cook
Handles most home maintenance issues
Handles trash and recycling
Does about half of travel/vacation planning
Gets up with our daughter and gets her dressed and fed almost every day
Does bedtime every other night
Changed diapers, gave baths, fed meals, played with child, etc. Just because he couldn't nurse didn't mean he couldn't take care of the kid in other ways.

There are plenty of things your husband could be doing to contribute the household in terms of chores and childcare.

[Anonymous]

Why are YOU placing EXPECTATIONS on him? Do you plan to give a to-do list? He is on a fellowship which means he is in school. The fellowship pays for his school which is a form of income that contributes to his education which is a foundation for future earnings. Your post suggests that you believe that because you are generating more income currently your contribution is more important. Marriages are a team effort. When you say you had a heart to heart.... does that mean you sat him down and told him you don't think he is contributing enough and then demanded him to tell you what he thinks he contributes? In that case his not giving you an itemized list could be understandable because if he had given you an answer it would have prolonged the fight and my guess is he knew it would end more quickly if he just let you "win" by letting you have the last word.

If you "don't really need him" then leave. If you married a someone because you "need" there services (money, cooking, cleaning, babysitting) then the foundation of the marriage is broken. Often for marriage to work the person needs to be selfless. You do not sound selfless. You sound like you feel entitled because you earn more money than your husband. Underlying your question is a belief that you are owed something. That attitude doesn't work in marriage.

[Anonymous]

I significantly out earned my DH for a long time, although we had equally stressful jobs (govt vs private sector). I expected to be equal partners. However that doesn't mean we split things 50/50 every day or even every week. Sometimes I needed to take the lead on childcare/household stuff and sometimes he did. It's best if you look at this as a partnership over the long term and figure out what you each like to do and are suited to do, and what you can outsource, and what you need to suck up and split up.

I do bill paying, kids schedules, vacation planning, clean up after meals. He does all the cooking, a lot of laundry (maybe 75/25), gardening. We outsource cleaning and basic landscaping. We shared things like school pickup, sports practices, staying home with sick kids, etc. But again, that wasn't set in stone - If I was traveling obviously he would be 100% on, and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are YOU placing EXPECTATIONS on him? Do you plan to give a to-do list? He is on a fellowship which means he is in school. The fellowship pays for his school which is a form of income that contributes to his education which is a foundation for future earnings. Your post suggests that you believe that because you are generating more income currently your contribution is more important. Marriages are a team effort. When you say you had a heart to heart.... does that mean you sat him down and told him you don't think he is contributing enough and then demanded him to tell you what he thinks he contributes? In that case his not giving you an itemized list could be understandable because if he had given you an answer it would have prolonged the fight and my guess is he knew it would end more quickly if he just let you "win" by letting you have the last word.

If you "don't really need him" then leave. If you married a someone because you "need" there services (money, cooking, cleaning, babysitting) then the foundation of the marriage is broken. Often for marriage to work the person needs to be selfless. You do not sound selfless. You sound like you feel entitled because you earn more money than your husband. Underlying your question is a belief that you are owed something. That attitude doesn't work in marriage.

OP here. I'm not placing expectations on him. I completely supported him taking on a fellowship to be the best at what he's passionate about. Because in the long run, I know he will be more successful than me. The heart to heart was actually initiated by him. We haven't been intimate as often as he would like and we talked about that. I didn't sit him down to tell him that I didn't think he was earning enough. We had a really difficult pregnancy (during that time he was really depressed because of his job situation) and I was really really alone during that time. The doctor even advised me to stop working because how high risk we were, and I continued because I had no other option. At that point I began feeling resentful towards him. Not because he wasn't earning, but because I was alone in all of this.

I don't feel entitled. I do feel like I've given a lot to this marriage and have done a lot of the heavy lifting. As you said, marriage is a team effort. I just want to figure out what I can get out of it.

[Anonymous]

I WOH and handle the bills. DH SAH, does all the food shopping and cooking and dishes, washes and dries laundry (I fold and put away), and oh yeah, covers childcare when I'm at work! Even when I was on mat leave and nursing constantly I didn't feel that all the childcare was on me bc of the nursing.

He sounds like he is still depressed if he thinks he isn't contributing to his family at all. It's good that you're talking through it now. Pick up a copy of And Baby Makes Three, which can help you improve communication at this critical point in your marriage. And have more sex. consider it an investment in the relationship, because now that the lack of it is out there as a topic, every day you go without harms the relationship more.

[Anonymous]

I supported us for about a year while DH left Big Law and took classes in two of his passions to get better at both. For that year, DH took care of the baby and took care of hiring babysitters when we/he needed, he made dinners, the house was always clean when I came home from work, and he did all the little errands and handled mail/bills.

Now that he's working full time again, he still cooks dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are YOU placing EXPECTATIONS on him? Do you plan to give a to-do list? He is on a fellowship which means he is in school. The fellowship pays for his school which is a form of income that contributes to his education which is a foundation for future earnings. Your post suggests that you believe that because you are generating more income currently your contribution is more important. Marriages are a team effort. When you say you had a heart to heart.... does that mean you sat him down and told him you don't think he is contributing enough and then demanded him to tell you what he thinks he contributes? In that case his not giving you an itemized list could be understandable because if he had given you an answer it would have prolonged the fight and my guess is he knew it would end more quickly if he just let you "win" by letting you have the last word.

If you "don't really need him" then leave. If you married a someone because you "need" there services (money, cooking, cleaning, babysitting) then the foundation of the marriage is broken. Often for marriage to work the person needs to be selfless. You do not sound selfless. You sound like you feel entitled because you earn more money than your husband. Underlying your question is a belief that you are owed something. That attitude doesn't work in marriage.

OP here. I'm not placing expectations on him. I completely supported him taking on a fellowship to be the best at what he's passionate about. Because in the long run, I know he will be more successful than me. The heart to heart was actually initiated by him. We haven't been intimate as often as he would like and we talked about that. I didn't sit him down to tell him that I didn't think he was earning enough. We had a really difficult pregnancy (during that time he was really depressed because of his job situation) and I was really really alone during that time. The doctor even advised me to stop working because how high risk we were, and I continued because I had no other option. At that point I began feeling resentful towards him. Not because he wasn't earning, but because I was alone in all of this.

I don't feel entitled. I do feel like I've given a lot to this marriage and have done a lot of the heavy lifting. As you said, marriage is a team effort. I just want to figure out what I can get out of it.

Do you love him? Do you honestly believe you could be better off without him? Is he willing to step up and help you out? You mentioned you feel alone in this - I can relate to that. My pregnancy was relatively easy, but recovery was tough. I had a c-section, the breastfeeding was tough, there was little sleep for months. I stayed home with the baby for 6 months while my husband continued to work. My schedule changed completely whereas his stayed more or less the same. I believe every marriage requires compassion and willingness to understand the other person (what challenges are they facing, what are their fears, etc). I believe everything can be figured out with honest conversation and willingness to compromise and understand. If he really loves you and the baby, he will get it together. Men need sometime after the baby arrives to figure our their role in the household, however he MUST do baby stuff - bath, cleaning bottles, diapers, soothing ... you have to make sure that you let him take over. I often times found myself taking charge because I felt like I had to, like I was the only one that could do it right. That did not work out, I got exhausted and angry. Men need to get used to doing more house stuff, and women - like me - need to let them figure it out even if it means making mistakes.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. Why did you feel alone? You have a husband, reach out to him when you feel lonely. It sounds like you have no trouble communicating in your marriage. It sounds like your loneliness was a choice you made.

[Anonymous]

Change the narrative. Marriage is about teamwork. Sit down and discuss what the household responsibilities are and figure out how to divvy up those responsibilities. And also understands that there will be times when one person takes on more than the other and then at another time that will shift. Life and marriage is an ebb and flow. It's not about what you get out of it, it's what you put into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I WOH and handle the bills. DH SAH, does all the food shopping and cooking and dishes, washes and dries laundry (I fold and put away), and oh yeah, covers childcare when I'm at work! Even when I was on mat leave and nursing constantly I didn't feel that all the childcare was on me bc of the nursing.

He sounds like he is still depressed if he thinks he isn't contributing to his family at all. It's good that you're talking through it now. Pick up a copy of And Baby Makes Three, which can help you improve communication at this critical point in your marriage. And have more sex. consider it an investment in the relationship, because now that the lack of it is out there as a topic, every day you go without harms the relationship more.

Thanks for the advise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are YOU placing EXPECTATIONS on him? Do you plan to give a to-do list? He is on a fellowship which means he is in school. The fellowship pays for his school which is a form of income that contributes to his education which is a foundation for future earnings. Your post suggests that you believe that because you are generating more income currently your contribution is more important. Marriages are a team effort. When you say you had a heart to heart.... does that mean you sat him down and told him you don't think he is contributing enough and then demanded him to tell you what he thinks he contributes? In that case his not giving you an itemized list could be understandable because if he had given you an answer it would have prolonged the fight and my guess is he knew it would end more quickly if he just let you "win" by letting you have the last word.

If you "don't really need him" then leave. If you married a someone because you "need" there services (money, cooking, cleaning, babysitting) then the foundation of the marriage is broken. Often for marriage to work the person needs to be selfless. You do not sound selfless. You sound like you feel entitled because you earn more money than your husband. Underlying your question is a belief that you are owed something. That attitude doesn't work in marriage.

OP here. I'm not placing expectations on him. I completely supported him taking on a fellowship to be the best at what he's passionate about. Because in the long run, I know he will be more successful than me. The heart to heart was actually initiated by him. We haven't been intimate as often as he would like and we talked about that. I didn't sit him down to tell him that I didn't think he was earning enough. We had a really difficult pregnancy (during that time he was really depressed because of his job situation) and I was really really alone during that time. The doctor even advised me to stop working because how high risk we were, and I continued because I had no other option. At that point I began feeling resentful towards him. Not because he wasn't earning, but because I was alone in all of this.

I don't feel entitled. I do feel like I've given a lot to this marriage and have done a lot of the heavy lifting. As you said, marriage is a team effort. I just want to figure out what I can get out of it.

Do you love him? Do you honestly believe you could be better off without him? Is he willing to step up and help you out? You mentioned you feel alone in this - I can relate to that. My pregnancy was relatively easy, but recovery was tough. I had a c-section, the breastfeeding was tough, there was little sleep for months. I stayed home with the baby for 6 months while my husband continued to work. My schedule changed completely whereas his stayed more or less the same. I believe every marriage requires compassion and willingness to understand the other person (what challenges are they facing, what are their fears, etc). I believe everything can be figured out with honest conversation and willingness to compromise and understand. If he really loves you and the baby, he will get it together. Men need sometime after the baby arrives to figure our their role in the household, however he MUST do baby stuff - bath, cleaning bottles, diapers, soothing ... you have to make sure that you let him take over. I often times found myself taking charge because I felt like I had to, like I was the only one that could do it right. That did not work out, I got exhausted and angry. Men need to get used to doing more house stuff, and women - like me - need to let them figure it out even if it means making mistakes.

OP here. I definitely relate to this. I constantly just do things because I think I can handle it. I just need to let him do it.