Women who are the breadwinner, what expectations do you have from your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WOH and handle the bills. DH SAH, does all the food shopping and cooking and dishes, washes and dries laundry (I fold and put away), and oh yeah, covers childcare when I'm at work! Even when I was on mat leave and nursing constantly I didn't feel that all the childcare was on me bc of the nursing.

He sounds like he is still depressed if he thinks he isn't contributing to his family at all. It's good that you're talking through it now. Pick up a copy of And Baby Makes Three, which can help you improve communication at this critical point in your marriage. And have more sex. consider it an investment in the relationship, because now that the lack of it is out there as a topic, every day you go without harms the relationship more.

Thanks for the advise!

*advice

[Anonymous]

When figuring out if things are 'fair' I find the first step is to look past specific tasks and JUST look at amounts of free time, ie are both people getting (roughly) equal amount is down time.

After that you can look at the details / actual distribution and make sure that one person is just getting all the shit work. But at least in my experience, resentment generally stems from the sense that you are working harder and giving more, not that any particular task isn't split 50:50.

[Anonymous]

He should be doing all the housework, bill paying, errands, etc. if you are earning all the moolah and taking care of the baby.

[Anonymous]

I am in a difficult situation also OP. I am the primary earner. I working we hours. Yet I still end up doing the bulk of the heavy lifting around the house and clearly am the default parent. Things should be shared. Equal is whatever works for you both.

It's easy to say "have more sex" but it's hard to do that when You are tired and pissed off. My husband got home 4 hours before I did today. Didn't send the nanny home at her normal time though-asked her to stay another two hours while he played around on his computer. And called and asked me what was for dinner. While I was still at work.

So-I paid for that OT for the nanny. I brought dinner home. I cleaned up because while he cleaned HIS plate up (we have come a long way!) he didn't do mine or the kid's and while I gave the kid a bath and got him ready for bed my husband had his own playtime again (note: I didn't silently start the kid routine. At dinner We both noted the kid was dirty-we talked about him needing a bath right after dinner. Husband agreed. But walked away and did his own thing).

Total free time for dad: 5+ hours. Mom: none
Got to bed, husband wants sex. Wife wants to smother him with pillow.

We are in counseling...but sometimes it really isn't a balanced life. Both people need to feel valued.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a difficult situation also OP. I am the primary earner. I working we hours. Yet I still end up doing the bulk of the heavy lifting around the house and clearly am the default parent. Things should be shared. Equal is whatever works for you both.

It's easy to say "have more sex" but it's hard to do that when You are tired and pissed off. My husband got home 4 hours before I did today. Didn't send the nanny home at her normal time though-asked her to stay another two hours while he played around on his computer. And called and asked me what was for dinner. While I was still at work.

So-I paid for that OT for the nanny. I brought dinner home. I cleaned up because while he cleaned HIS plate up (we have come a long way!) he didn't do mine or the kid's and while I gave the kid a bath and got him ready for bed my husband had his own playtime again (note: I didn't silently start the kid routine. At dinner We both noted the kid was dirty-we talked about him needing a bath right after dinner. Husband agreed. But walked away and did his own thing).

Total free time for dad: 5+ hours. Mom: none
Got to bed, husband wants sex. Wife wants to smother him with pillow.

We are in counseling...but sometimes it really isn't a balanced life. Both people need to feel valued.

I agree. Who the hell wants to hear sex with DH at that point. I would be furious.

[Anonymous]

Just an equal partnership. Just because one person is earning more money doesn't mean the other person isn't working hard too. Are you both out of the house for the same number of hours? Then responsibilities at home should be split evenly. If you're out later, then he should take on something additional like making dinner. But otherwise, laundry and cleaning and bills etc should be pretty even. Diapers should be whoever has a free moment when the baby needs a diaper. If one gives a bath to the baby, they can hand the baby off to the other to put on pjs and read a book. If you're doing the nursing, he can take extra time to play or read or go for a walk when you're done.

There was a time that I made more money. But he worked more hours so I took on more at home because I was there more. Now he makes the money and I'm in grad school. I work harder and more hours than he does and don't earn a penny - does that mean I should do all the cooking and cleaning?? Being the breadwinner does not mean you get to pass things off.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, consider marriage counseling. DH and I are in counseling right now for similar issues and it is so helpful. Counseling helped me see the cycle we were in where I did everything because I'm competent and assertive, and DH did less by nature -- and then maybe I didn't like the things he did do, so he did even less ... to the point where I was thinking of him as a child. So right now we are working on agreeing (compromising) upon priorities so that I can take a step back and give him room to take charge of a few things like an adult. We also are working on being nicer to each other, scheduling time together, etc. Having a professional guide that process is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford it, consider marriage counseling. DH and I are in counseling right now for similar issues and it is so helpful. Counseling helped me see the cycle we were in where I did everything because I'm competent and assertive, and DH did less by nature -- and then maybe I didn't like the things he did do, so he did even less ... to the point where I was thinking of him as a child. So right now we are working on agreeing (compromising) upon priorities so that I can take a step back and give him room to take charge of a few things like an adult. We also are working on being nicer to each other, scheduling time together, etc. Having a professional guide that process is helpful.

Would you mind recommending your marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford it, consider marriage counseling. DH and I are in counseling right now for similar issues and it is so helpful. Counseling helped me see the cycle we were in where I did everything because I'm competent and assertive, and DH did less by nature -- and then maybe I didn't like the things he did do, so he did even less ... to the point where I was thinking of him as a child. So right now we are working on agreeing (compromising) upon priorities so that I can take a step back and give him room to take charge of a few things like an adult. We also are working on being nicer to each other, scheduling time together, etc. Having a professional guide that process is helpful.

Would you mind recommending your marriage counseling?

*Counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an equal partnership. Just because one person is earning more money doesn't mean the other person isn't working hard too. Are you both out of the house for the same number of hours? Then responsibilities at home should be split evenly. If you're out later, then he should take on something additional like making dinner. But otherwise, laundry and cleaning and bills etc should be pretty even. Diapers should be whoever has a free moment when the baby needs a diaper. If one gives a bath to the baby, they can hand the baby off to the other to put on pjs and read a book. If you're doing the nursing, he can take extra time to play or read or go for a walk when you're done.

There was a time that I made more money. But he worked more hours so I took on more at home because I was there more. Now he makes the money and I'm in grad school. I work harder and more hours than he does and don't earn a penny - does that mean I should do all the cooking and cleaning?? Being the breadwinner does not mean you get to pass things off.

Read the post dude. Sure she referred to herself as the breadwinner, but if you actually read it- she's doing everything. The insult to the injury is that he also isn't bringing in any money.
Op you guys need counseling yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a difficult situation also OP. I am the primary earner. I working we hours. Yet I still end up doing the bulk of the heavy lifting around the house and clearly am the default parent. Things should be shared. Equal is whatever works for you both.

It's easy to say "have more sex" but it's hard to do that when You are tired and pissed off. My husband got home 4 hours before I did today. Didn't send the nanny home at her normal time though-asked her to stay another two hours while he played around on his computer. And called and asked me what was for dinner. While I was still at work.

So-I paid for that OT for the nanny. I brought dinner home. I cleaned up because while he cleaned HIS plate up (we have come a long way!) he didn't do mine or the kid's and while I gave the kid a bath and got him ready for bed my husband had his own playtime again (note: I didn't silently start the kid routine. At dinner We both noted the kid was dirty-we talked about him needing a bath right after dinner. Husband agreed. But walked away and did his own thing).

Total free time for dad: 5+ hours. Mom: none
Got to bed, husband wants sex. Wife wants to smother him with pillow.

We are in counseling...but sometimes it really isn't a balanced life. Both people need to feel valued.

You must be a very patient person. I would explode if my husband acted this way. I hope counceling helps you. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I agree you should get counseling.
Marriage is a team effort.
THAT SAID.....I supported my DH during his education and thought he would go back to work. He basically never did. He ended up being a stay-at-home-dad. I am OK with this, but sometimes it is hard to be the sole breadwinner. However, he does A LOT and is not a slacker in our marriage. Work is work, whether it is at home taking care of the kids or at work in an office.
Marriage is really hard with a baby. It does a number on even very strong marriages. You need to assume good intentions on both sides and assume you are both making a good faith effort here. Tell him you feel overwhelmed and need help, and tell him specifically what you need. Don't just do everything yourself. Part of the work of parenting and marriage is taking care of yourself first so that you have the inner peace to be the person you want to be. Go out with your friends. Leave the baby with hubby for an evening. Carve out some free time for yourself. It is not selfish, it is part of your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are in our 30's, and he's on a fellowship while I work fulltime. We also have an infant baby. For a year now, I've supported this family on my own (financially), and with the baby most of the responsibilities are on me (since I nurse him). Last night my husband and I had a real heart to heart, and that's when I realized that because of our situation, I've ended up just doing things on my own and don't really need him. I even asked him if he feels like he does anything that contributes to our marriage and he couldn't think of any.

So I guess I was wondering if there are women out there who support their family financially, what expectations do you have from your husband? How do you expect him to contribute to your marriage/family?

You must also be leaving a lot out. You mentioned that you don't really need him? So he doesn't do house work? He doesn't provide love and caring to you? He doesn't provide love and caring to your infant?

So if he does provide those things, it is hurtful (to him) to come to the conclusion that he contributes nothing. If he doesn't then, I am 100% in agreement with you, as a husband who is also not the breadwinner by far.

[Anonymous]

Three kids in and I am in the fame situation OP. Leave him now if he will not change. Not all men are like this. You can be happy alone or with another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are YOU placing EXPECTATIONS on him? Do you plan to give a to-do list? He is on a fellowship which means he is in school. The fellowship pays for his school which is a form of income that contributes to his education which is a foundation for future earnings. Your post suggests that you believe that because you are generating more income currently your contribution is more important. Marriages are a team effort. When you say you had a heart to heart.... does that mean you sat him down and told him you don't think he is contributing enough and then demanded him to tell you what he thinks he contributes? In that case his not giving you an itemized list could be understandable because if he had given you an answer it would have prolonged the fight and my guess is he knew it would end more quickly if he just let you "win" by letting you have the last word.

If you "don't really need him" then leave. If you married a someone because you "need" there services (money, cooking, cleaning, babysitting) then the foundation of the marriage is broken. Often for marriage to work the person needs to be selfless. You do not sound selfless. You sound like you feel entitled because you earn more money than your husband. Underlying your question is a belief that you are owed something. That attitude doesn't work in marriage.

NP here. I hear what you're saying OP, but we don't know what OP is going through. I can't bring myself to chastise her, when I remember how I held it down while a grad student. All of that time with "DH" on the sofa immersed in his iPad. It's soul-sucking. Motherhood carries with it a lot of sacrifice, but my own "DH's" abandonment, total lack of involvement in the daily tasks of raising children broke whatever love I ever had for him. I know reading articles and course work is important, but it's no excuse. You schedule your time to make room for what's important, everything that's important. I did, and managed to get my doctorate in 5 years----and gave birth to two children in that time period as well. There's been a lot of talk about mothers being the "default parent." What about when a woman is left on her own to also manage the marriage? It's isolating. Leaves you feeling foolish. And, when you're not simply too tired to think about it, it can make you angry. Understandably so.

It's not wrong for OP to question her husband's investment in their family.