Reply to Women who are the breadwinner, what expectations do you have from your husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why are YOU placing EXPECTATIONS on him? Do you plan to give a to-do list? He is on a fellowship which means he is in school. The fellowship pays for his school which is a form of income that contributes to his education which is a foundation for future earnings. Your post suggests that you believe that because you are generating more income currently your contribution is more important. Marriages are a team effort. When you say you had a heart to heart.... does that mean you sat him down and told him you don't think he is contributing enough and then demanded him to tell you what he thinks he contributes? In that case his not giving you an itemized list could be understandable because if he had given you an answer it would have prolonged the fight and my guess is he knew it would end more quickly if he just let you "win" by letting you have the last word.

If you "don't really need him" then leave. If you married a someone because you "need" there services (money, cooking, cleaning, babysitting) then the foundation of the marriage is broken. Often for marriage to work the person needs to be selfless. You do not sound selfless. You sound like you feel entitled because you earn more money than your husband. Underlying your question is a belief that you are owed something. That attitude doesn't work in marriage.[/quote]

OP here. I'm not placing expectations on him. I completely supported him taking on a fellowship to be the best at what he's passionate about. Because in the long run, I know he will be more successful than me. The heart to heart was actually initiated by him. We haven't been intimate as often as he would like and we talked about that. I didn't sit him down to tell him that I didn't think he was earning enough. We had a really difficult pregnancy (during that time he was really depressed because of his job situation) and I was really really alone during that time. The doctor even advised me to stop working because how high risk we were, and I continued because I had no other option. At that point I began feeling resentful towards him. Not because he wasn't earning, but because I was alone in all of this.

I don't feel entitled. I do feel like I've given a lot to this marriage and have done a lot of the heavy lifting. As you said, marriage is a team effort. I just want to figure out what I can get out of it. [/quote]

Do you love him? Do you honestly believe you could be better off without him? Is he willing to step up and help you out? You mentioned you feel alone in this - I can relate to that. My pregnancy was relatively easy, but recovery was tough. I had a c-section, the breastfeeding was tough, there was little sleep for months. I stayed home with the baby for 6 months while my husband continued to work. My schedule changed completely whereas his stayed more or less the same. I believe every marriage requires compassion and willingness to understand the other person (what challenges are they facing, what are their fears, etc). I believe everything can be figured out with honest conversation and willingness to compromise and understand. If he really loves you and the baby, he will get it together. Men need sometime after the baby arrives to figure our their role in the household, however he MUST do baby stuff - bath, cleaning bottles, diapers, soothing ... you have to make sure that you let him take over. I often times found myself taking charge because I felt like I had to, like I was the only one that could do it right.  That did not work out, I got exhausted and angry. Men need to get used to doing more house stuff, and women - like me - need to let them figure it out even if it means making mistakes. [/quote]

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