Sister vent

[Anonymous]

My sister infuriates me. She calls me today to ask for advice about someone at work. She is not a supervisor; I manage multiple people. So she tells me a story about a disagreement with a coworker which resulted in her boss asking her to be the bigger person and apologize. My sister feels she did nothing wrong. As a manager, I'm trying to understand why her manager would ask her to apologize if she was in the right because it's pretty germane to the kind if advice I would offer. So I start asking questions. My sister works in healthcare and, annoyed by my questions, says "you don't know anything about healthcare, and you interrupted me, and you're not letting me explain and when you're been asked to give advice you need to listen first, blah blah blah.". So I basically said hey, if I'm so clueless about healthcare and don't listen and don't know how to give advice, why did you call me anyway? And then she had the gall to hang up on me as if lecturing at me in a loud schoolmarm-ish tone was a good way to talk to someone from whom you are seeking advice. I just couldn't stand her defensive and condescending tone and this is par for the course with her. She doesn't want to be questioned because she doesn't really want advice, she wants to he right and to be validated. Asking questions might lead her to have to to concede she is/was wrong which she would rather die than admit. And I don't want to be lectured by her on how to give advice.

I should have known not to pick up the phone. Interactions like this are why we are not close, never have been, and never will be. She can take a normal conversation and turn it into an argument inside of a minute, and she's always been that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister infuriates me. She calls me today to ask for advice about someone at work. She is not a supervisor; I manage multiple people. So she tells me a story about a disagreement with a coworker which resulted in her boss asking her to be the bigger person and apologize. My sister feels she did nothing wrong. As a manager, I'm trying to understand why her manager would ask her to apologize if she was in the right because it's pretty germane to the kind if advice I would offer. So I start asking questions. My sister works in healthcare and, annoyed by my questions, says "you don't know anything about healthcare, and you interrupted me, and you're not letting me explain and when you're been asked to give advice you need to listen first, blah blah blah.". So I basically said hey, if I'm so clueless about healthcare and don't listen and don't know how to give advice, why did you call me anyway? And then she had the gall to hang up on me as if lecturing at me in a loud schoolmarm-ish tone was a good way to talk to someone from whom you are seeking advice. I just couldn't stand her defensive and condescending tone and this is par for the course with her. She doesn't want to be questioned because she doesn't really want advice, she wants to he right and to be validated. Asking questions might lead her to have to to concede she is/was wrong which she would rather die than admit. And I don't want to be lectured by her on how to give advice.

I should have known not to pick up the phone. Interactions like this are why we are not close, never have been, and never will be. She can take a normal conversation and turn it into an argument inside of a minute, and she's always been that way.

You are most likely regarding her situation; however she basically wants support not advice. And you want to give advice. Your advice is probably good but it's not what she wants. And you get it but somehow think it's her fault and she should be more objective. But seeking validation and support is ok, too. There is nothing wrong with that, there is time for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister infuriates me. She calls me today to ask for advice about someone at work. She is not a supervisor; I manage multiple people. So she tells me a story about a disagreement with a coworker which resulted in her boss asking her to be the bigger person and apologize. My sister feels she did nothing wrong. As a manager, I'm trying to understand why her manager would ask her to apologize if she was in the right because it's pretty germane to the kind if advice I would offer. So I start asking questions. My sister works in healthcare and, annoyed by my questions, says "you don't know anything about healthcare, and you interrupted me, and you're not letting me explain and when you're been asked to give advice you need to listen first, blah blah blah.". So I basically said hey, if I'm so clueless about healthcare and don't listen and don't know how to give advice, why did you call me anyway? And then she had the gall to hang up on me as if lecturing at me in a loud schoolmarm-ish tone was a good way to talk to someone from whom you are seeking advice. I just couldn't stand her defensive and condescending tone and this is par for the course with her. She doesn't want to be questioned because she doesn't really want advice, she wants to he right and to be validated. Asking questions might lead her to have to to concede she is/was wrong which she would rather die than admit. And I don't want to be lectured by her on how to give advice.

I should have known not to pick up the phone. Interactions like this are why we are not close, never have been, and never will be. She can take a normal conversation and turn it into an argument inside of a minute, and she's always been that way.

You are most likely regarding her situation; however she basically wants support not advice. And you want to give advice. Your advice is probably good but it's not what she wants. And you get it but somehow think it's her fault and she should be more objective. But seeking validation and support is ok, too. There is nothing wrong with that, there is time for everything.

Then she shouldn't call and explicitly say she is asking for advice. And no, asking for advice and then getting pissy because you aren't being validated isn't okay. Be clear about what you want, or don't fucking call me. And don't take it from 0 to rage on a dime And expect me to
take your shit. Your bad day is not my fault.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are too close to this situation to regard it unbiasedly. Too close as both a manager and a sister.

I'm a manager too. Occasionally I have asked people to apologize. When I do I have good reason. But that does not mean that every manager who has ever asked an employee to apologize has good reason. Maybe her manager is a weenie who has been bullied by his employees and is taking the low road. Maybe he's taking the path of least resistance. Maybe he's stupid. You don't know that just because you only ask for an apology when it's really necessary, that her boss is also an effective and good manager. How could you?

And you are also too close as a sister here. You basically picked a fight with her, and you run to DCUM to complain about how difficult she is. I think you need to take a look at the dynamic where you can't even bring yourself to say "Wow, Larla, tough day at work. That really sucks." Because OP, it sounds like things with your sister are essentially totally toxic. You don't have a kind word to offer her.

[Anonymous]

If you've never been close to your sister, why are you so surprised by this? She is who you thought she was. Take this interaction as par for the course, and don't let it ruin your day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are too close to this situation to regard it unbiasedly. Too close as both a manager and a sister.

I'm a manager too. Occasionally I have asked people to apologize. When I do I have good reason. But that does not mean that every manager who has ever asked an employee to apologize has good reason. Maybe her manager is a weenie who has been bullied by his employees and is taking the low road. Maybe he's taking the path of least resistance. Maybe he's stupid. You don't know that just because you only ask for an apology when it's really necessary, that her boss is also an effective and good manager. How could you?

And you are also too close as a sister here. You basically picked a fight with her, and you run to DCUM to complain about how difficult she is. I think you need to take a look at the dynamic where you can't even bring yourself to say "Wow, Larla, tough day at work. That really sucks." Because OP, it sounds like things with your sister are essentially totally toxic. You don't have a kind word to offer her.

+1

Your sister was looking for support. And you knew that because you say she's always like this. You could have given an explanation of why you might ask a subordinate to apologize to a co-worker even where she was not in the wrong. You could have agreed that it was unfair that your sister was expected to apologize, but advised her to do it anyway for reasons X, Y, and Z. Those are both ways of giving advice in a supportive manner. But it's clear that you don't really like your sister and aren't interested in being supportive. Neither of you looks all that great in this situation. You have a crappy dynamic, and that isn't totally your sister's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are too close to this situation to regard it unbiasedly. Too close as both a manager and a sister.

I'm a manager too. Occasionally I have asked people to apologize. When I do I have good reason. But that does not mean that every manager who has ever asked an employee to apologize has good reason. Maybe her manager is a weenie who has been bullied by his employees and is taking the low road. Maybe he's taking the path of least resistance. Maybe he's stupid. You don't know that just because you only ask for an apology when it's really necessary, that her boss is also an effective and good manager. How could you?

And you are also too close as a sister here. You basically picked a fight with her, and you run to DCUM to complain about how difficult she is. I think you need to take a look at the dynamic where you can't even bring yourself to say "Wow, Larla, tough day at work. That really sucks." Because OP, it sounds like things with your sister are essentially totally toxic. You don't have a kind word to offer her.

I didn't pick a fight, SHE did. And I did not assume she was wrong - I wanted to understand her boss's reasons and the context of what happened. If I don't understand the situation, how the hell can I provide advice? I asked two perfectly reasonable questions in attempt to do what she had asked - HELP HER WITH ADVICE - and she lost it. If this is how she is with her colleagues and her supervisor, I can see why she was asked to apologize. I know my sister, and I know her work history. She is 33 and has held about 10 jobs in the last 10 years, because she is as combative at work as she is with her family.

And you're right, we do have the dynamic you described. My entire family is full of narcissistic people who only call me when they need/want something or someone to whom they can rant and vent their spleen to for an hour nonstop. I am not a therapist and I don't want to listen to an hour of bitching and ranting and raving. They neither care nor do they ever ask how I am doing or what is happening in my life. If I call and ask her how she is doing I am "grilling" her with questions. If I don't call to ask how she is doing I'm a bitch who doesn't care. You can't win for trying with her so I usually don't try.

[Anonymous]

Unless it's criminal or unethical, you always do what your boss asks. Cheerfully.

Don't like it, start looking for a new job.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are the same way. I can sympathize. I've never been able to take her BS while the rest of the world tip toes around her on egg shells.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are too close to this situation to regard it unbiasedly. Too close as both a manager and a sister.

I'm a manager too. Occasionally I have asked people to apologize. When I do I have good reason. But that does not mean that every manager who has ever asked an employee to apologize has good reason. Maybe her manager is a weenie who has been bullied by his employees and is taking the low road. Maybe he's taking the path of least resistance. Maybe he's stupid. You don't know that just because you only ask for an apology when it's really necessary, that her boss is also an effective and good manager. How could you?

And you are also too close as a sister here. You basically picked a fight with her, and you run to DCUM to complain about how difficult she is. I think you need to take a look at the dynamic where you can't even bring yourself to say "Wow, Larla, tough day at work. That really sucks." Because OP, it sounds like things with your sister are essentially totally toxic. You don't have a kind word to offer her.

+1

Your sister was looking for support. And you knew that because you say she's always like this. You could have given an explanation of why you might ask a subordinate to apologize to a co-worker even where she was not in the wrong. You could have agreed that it was unfair that your sister was expected to apologize, but advised her to do it anyway for reasons X, Y, and Z. Those are both ways of giving advice in a supportive manner. But it's clear that you don't really like your sister and aren't interested in being supportive. Neither of you looks all that great in this situation. You have a crappy dynamic, and that isn't totally your sister's fault.

I couldn't have done anything. I had the gall to SPEAK and ask a question. I couldn't even get to the point of giving an example or anything of the sort because she decided to start yelling at me like a fucking lunatic. You're right - I don't really like my sister. I love her and would do anything for her, but I do not like her.

And yeah, I'm so unsupportive that I am spending a shit ton of my own money to go to see her halfway across the country for 5 days next week to provide moral support for a fucked up situation she is dealing with of her own creation. I probably shouldn't even bother b/c no matter what I do it won't be right and it won't be enough and blah blah blah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless it's criminal or unethical, you always do what your boss asks. Cheerfully.

Don't like it, start looking for a new job.

I agree. Which is why I would have been happy to try to help her so that she can avoid looking for job #11 in 10 years. But she will do what she always does and dig in her heels and get defensive and insist that she is right and everyone else in the entire world is wrong and stupid and a moron for not agreeing with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I are the same way. I can sympathize. I've never been able to take her BS while the rest of the world tip toes around her on egg shells.

Same here. I have boundaries. You violate them and you are done. You decide to start screaming at me like a crazy person b/c I am trying to do what you asked? I'm done. That's the way a 3 year old behaves. My mom, dad, and other sister take her shit but I do not.

[Anonymous]

Lady, vent to your friends. Whatever you are looking for here, you aren't getting it. And if No One in your life can give you what you are looking for, well, message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady, vent to your friends. Whatever you are looking for here, you aren't getting it. And if No One in your life can give you what you are looking for, well, message.

You're right. I'm getting armchair psychoanalyzed, but that is the DCUM way so I don't know why I expected anything different. Just like I don't know why I expect more of my sister. She's 33 and isn't going to change.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, my sister is annoying the crap out of me lately too. I thought about venting here, but knew it wouldn't end well or make me feel better. Thanks for confirming that with this thread, lol.