Ever feel like people put you down for your lifestyle (financially)?

[Anonymous]

I come from an Asian family that has become fairly showy in the last generation. The first generation that came here (my parents; aunts/uncles etc.) in the 70s -- put their heads down, worked hard, scrimped/saved, put kids through college -- the typical immigrant story. Now that their generation is retired/close to retired and their kids (me; my cousins etc.) are settled, they are splurging on nicer things -- vacations, luxury cars etc. -- and they seem to be forgetting that they didn't splurge until they hit their 50s-60s. My generation (i.e. my cousins) are a fairly showy bunch. The showy-ness seems inversely proportional to what they are earning; while I don't know what anyone specifically earns, I find that the big city cardiologist is a lot less into his stuff than the engineer working for the city. Just had to spend the weekend with the entire family at a wedding, and I walked away so freaking sick of their comments about me/my life.

I am someone who lives under their means -- for a few reasons. I'm in law and while I busted my a$$ for a decade in biglaw, I knew I had to save a lot of that money bc I wasn't going to make partner and would end up in a "regular" job. I am in said regular job now -- still an atty position and still pays quite well, but not 2nd yr partner well. I am single -- rent a nice one bedroom, just bought a car bc I moved out of NYC for said regular job and the car is something along the lines of a Honda/Toyota/etc. which I am quite excited about bc I have never gotten to own a car before. So I walk in the door and a cousin who works for the city straight up asks me -- what car did you buy? I say it, and his response is -- "oh please, get a REAL car," and then he proceeds to talk about how he just traded in his Audi for a BMW, his wife has a Lexus SUV, his parents have car x or y. As I'm thinking -- that's nice, I bought the car I wanted; I could buy a luxury vehicle in cash if I wanted, but honestly I prefer to keep my cash invested and not put it into an asset like a car. Same thing re housing -- all over me for not buying a home. I have no idea when/if I'll buy, as I don't necessarily want to be stuck with an illiquid asset before I need to be -- i.e. before school districts etc. matter -- and frankly I want to keep my options open; I always think home ownership ties you down in a certain way -- if a great job comes along 40 miles away and you're a renter, you can break a lease and lose 2 months of rent; if you own -- you either have to go through the hassle of selling (which I realize is really easy in DC but not so much in places where the economy stinks) or you sign up for commuting an extra hr a day or more likely, you turn it down.

I didn't explain any of this bc I don't think it's anyone's business, but I'm so sick of people thinking I am "less" than them bc they can't "see" what I have. Anyone else had this experience or is it just my ridiculous family??

[Anonymous]

Oh OP I am from an immigrant community that is very similar- very tacky about money, always want to talk about buying stuff. I am so over it. I am out in my cheapness and I don't care what anyone thinks about it- even if I were rich I wouldn't be spending my money on stupid shit like coach watches and big diamonds and god knows what else. But people definitely look down at me and my husband and think that we're poor.

[Anonymous]

My spouse's boss encourages us to spend more on housing, vacations, etc.

It's obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Well, I have seen this in some of my Indian relatives as well.

I just ignore it. I do not require validation from any of them, because I find them to be shallow and not too bright. I have money just like them, but I use it on things that they have no value for - books and hobbies.

My relatives go on cruises and vacations, buy expensive cars and other goods, but, will not be caught dead reading a book or going to watch a play or visit a museum.

So, different strokes for different folks.

[Anonymous]

OP here - the same relatives who go on and on about their cars and homes bitched and moaned all weekend about how expensive flights were to the city where the wedding was. As I was thinking -- um, you're SO rich, what does it matter. I think one of the PPs is right -- when I do spend, I like to spend on experiences -- events, travel etc. I work hard and I feel like those "getaways" are more important to me than a McMansion or a particular car or watch or whatever.

Honestly I feel like if it were socially acceptable to walk around and show people your bank balance, these people would do it. Since it is not -- they have to show you how much they have by showing you their stuff.

[Anonymous]

I think you are smart. Not much you can do but say, "thanks, I will consider your advice" and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I get shit all the time. "I can't believe you've only left the country once! You should Traaaaaaaaaavel!"

Yeah well, if you want to pay for me to go vacation in Europe for two weeks, I'm game.

[Anonymous]

My family has been here generations. I'm married to an immigrant, who's from a showy culture, too. While I save for retirement, it's expected that they will all live with their children when they retire. So I find that to be the biggest divide. Of course they can afford the Mercedes when there's nothing in the retirement account.

Nobody in my family would say something that forward about a car choice. So I'm fortunate I don't have to deal with it. But I suppose I'd say their cars are really nice for them, but a Honda is "real" enough for me. Relatively eco-friendly, minimizes money sunk into a depreciating asset. And I like to focus on my investment portfolio instead.

[Anonymous]

Lol -- a real car? If someone said that to me, my first reaction would be -- "oh right, did I mention my Honda is foot pedaled -- you know like Fred Flintstone's car?"

PP may be right re retirement. I don't know how it works for Asian immigrants whose kids were born and raised in the U.S., but I know plenty of Indians in my neighborhood and at work who came to the U.S. in the last 10-15 yrs and their parents have followed; the parents live with the kids, the kids pay for all food, housing, etc. So there isn't the same "pressure" to ensure that there are retirement savings for 30 yrs of life.

For the relatives you're mentioning, it is possible that they are saving some for retirement but they may feel ok retiring with 100k or 200k in their 401ks instead of $1 million -- bc they have a son who will be expected to fund their retirement some 30 yrs from now; though if that's what they're doing they are the dumb ones -- all it takes is one "American" spouse coming into the family who says -- I don't care how you were raised, we have to save for ourselves and aren't funding your parents retirement nor do I want my in laws in my house -- and that's the end of that theory. For these second generation Asians who are having babies in 2015 -- do they not think their 3rd gen kids will be completely assimilated by 2045 and may not give a damn about what culture requires??

[Anonymous]

My standard response which has worked on my Indian relatives lately when they say things about why don't I buy a McMansion or a Mercedes -- "I can pull the trigger on either of those tomorrow if I want to, but what's the rush -- I'm pretty sure all the McMansions won't be sold out by tomorrow and Mercedes will still make cars in 2016."

Let's them know I don't think these things are "unaffordable" and yet have nothing to prove so maybe I'll buy them some day or maybe not.

[Anonymous]

People that talk about money usually don't have it. Tacky. To the OP: it's YOUR money, your decision. Offer no explanations of what you do with your money and the reasoning behind it.

[Anonymous]

I get similar comments from my sister and mom. I just say, "It's not my priority. My priority is my retirement and my kids' college savings accounts, and travelling". And leave it at that.

I can understand not wanting to buy a house to keep yourself more mobile, but my Tax Accountant would tell you different. He would say you're throwing away money by not having a tax deduction on your mortgage. Just a thought.

Just keep in mind, that when you are older, you will be set and not have to worry about money (probably, hopefully). People who spend like the way your relatives do, and they way the younger Asian immigrants do (like my cousins - expensive cosmetics, cars, clothes, etc..), probably won't have as cushy retirements. Or maybe, they are assuming their kids will fund their retirement. I don't want my kids to do that for me.

You will also appreciate your fiscal conservativeness when/if you have kids one day, believe me. Money is one of the biggest reasons couples fight, and kids are big money suckers.

[Anonymous]

OP your relatives are what we call "New Money." Meaning is new to them and they spend it freely on tacky, expensive items and think showing it off is important. Bluebloods/old money families in the US look down on this as signs of naivete, ignorance and immaturity.

The way you are living is closer to the "old money" standard where education is paramount but the brand and age of your handbag is not. Consider yourself part of the elite!

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is very prevalent in new immigrant families.

Rise above it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, this is very prevalent in new immigrant families.

Rise above it, OP.

The same issue is happening in China and Korea. Conspicuous conception and over-the-top materialism. Too much money too quickly.

It's sad. The culture there used to be so different. Now, it's all about what kind of handbag you have.