Ever feel like people put you down for your lifestyle (financially)?

[Anonymous]

Unless you are their accountant, you never really know how much people have stashed away. I've found that the people that complain the most about how much things cost and other people's extravagant purchases usually have much more than they are letting on. They are delighted when you pick up the check for that "expensive" dinner they just enjoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live pretty frugally, but could afford a MUCH more lavish lifestyle than we have. Our annual expenses are only 15% of our gross HHI. People look at us and wonder why we don't just splurge on clothes, cars, furniture, renovations, etc... I shrug my shoulders and respond that what we have works for us. When we need to buy a new appliance, renovate a broken [fill in the blank], or furnish a room, then we look for the best deal we can get and spend the money.

Go ahead, make fun of us if you want, but we are financially-independent and could retire at any time without cutting our expenses.

yeah I'm with you. I've had friends and family look down on me because of my ratty clothes and car. I've noticed that Lebanese and Asians are particularly judgy.

And then they turn around and ask me if I have a trust fund because I went on 8 international trips last year - and they ask if they can come with me.

Different priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live pretty frugally, but could afford a MUCH more lavish lifestyle than we have. Our annual expenses are only 15% of our gross HHI. People look at us and wonder why we don't just splurge on clothes, cars, furniture, renovations, etc... I shrug my shoulders and respond that what we have works for us. When we need to buy a new appliance, renovate a broken [fill in the blank], or furnish a room, then we look for the best deal we can get and spend the money.

Go ahead, make fun of us if you want, but we are financially-independent and could retire at any time without cutting our expenses.

yeah I'm with you. I've had friends and family look down on me because of my ratty clothes and car. I've noticed that Lebanese and Asians are particularly judgy.

And then they turn around and ask me if I have a trust fund because I went on 8 international trips last year - and they ask if they can come with me.

Different priorities.

Yep. I don't mind the judging. It's mind over matter - I don't mind, because other people's opinions of me don't matter.

Seriously though, when you or your car start to look "ratty," then it's probably time to update (not upgrade). Likewise, I'm not a big clotheshorse. It's the body on which you put the clothes that matters. An extremely fit person will look fantastic in jeans and a t-shirt - and even better in a custom suit. But a fat guy will always be fat, even if he wears Armani.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live pretty frugally, but could afford a MUCH more lavish lifestyle than we have. Our annual expenses are only 15% of our gross HHI. People look at us and wonder why we don't just splurge on clothes, cars, furniture, renovations, etc... I shrug my shoulders and respond that what we have works for us. When we need to buy a new appliance, renovate a broken [fill in the blank], or furnish a room, then we look for the best deal we can get and spend the money.

Go ahead, make fun of us if you want, but we are financially-independent and could retire at any time without cutting our expenses.

yeah I'm with you. I've had friends and family look down on me because of my ratty clothes and car. I've noticed that Lebanese and Asians are particularly judgy.

And then they turn around and ask me if I have a trust fund because I went on 8 international trips last year - and they ask if they can come with me.

Different priorities.

Yep. I don't mind the judging. It's mind over matter - I don't mind, because other people's opinions of me don't matter.

Seriously though, when you or your car start to look "ratty," then it's probably time to update (not upgrade). Likewise, I'm not a big clotheshorse. It's the body on which you put the clothes that matters. An extremely fit person will look fantastic in jeans and a t-shirt - and even better in a custom suit. But a fat guy will always be fat, even if he wears Armani.

I exaggerate about the clothes. I just don't give a rat's ass about fashion. I wear things over and over again, and I know people notice and get annoyed. I don't really care though.

As for the ratty car - that's not an exaggeration. I drove a beater car for years until it finally died. I have street parking in DC, and cars just got beat up. In fact, I bought a new car (nothing fancy), and that's being beat up as well. I almost regret buying a car as nice as I bought this time around.

[Anonymous]

I think some of my friends pity me for how little I travel, how few clothes I have, and have only a small restaurant budget each month.

I think they figure I make less than I actually do (I don't make 6 figures by a long shot, but I make enough). If only they knew the size of my retirement funds and investment accounts. I stay mum, though. Nobody's business.

[Anonymous]

If I had to deal with street parking, I would also stay away from fancy cars.

The cars I had during my days of apartment living were all pretty banged up eventually due to door dings, bumper scrapes, and etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from an Asian family that has become fairly showy in the last generation. The first generation that came here (my parents; aunts/uncles etc.) in the 70s -- put their heads down, worked hard, scrimped/saved, put kids through college -- the typical immigrant story. Now that their generation is retired/close to retired and their kids (me; my cousins etc.) are settled, they are splurging on nicer things -- vacations, luxury cars etc. -- and they seem to be forgetting that they didn't splurge until they hit their 50s-60s. My generation (i.e. my cousins) are a fairly showy bunch. The showy-ness seems inversely proportional to what they are earning; while I don't know what anyone specifically earns, I find that the big city cardiologist is a lot less into his stuff than the engineer working for the city. Just had to spend the weekend with the entire family at a wedding, and I walked away so freaking sick of their comments about me/my life.

I am someone who lives under their means -- for a few reasons. I'm in law and while I busted my a$$ for a decade in biglaw, I knew I had to save a lot of that money bc I wasn't going to make partner and would end up in a "regular" job. I am in said regular job now -- still an atty position and still pays quite well, but not 2nd yr partner well. I am single -- rent a nice one bedroom, just bought a car bc I moved out of NYC for said regular job and the car is something along the lines of a Honda/Toyota/etc. which I am quite excited about bc I have never gotten to own a car before. So I walk in the door and a cousin who works for the city straight up asks me -- what car did you buy? I say it, and his response is -- "oh please, get a REAL car," and then he proceeds to talk about how he just traded in his Audi for a BMW, his wife has a Lexus SUV, his parents have car x or y. As I'm thinking -- that's nice, I bought the car I wanted; I could buy a luxury vehicle in cash if I wanted, but honestly I prefer to keep my cash invested and not put it into an asset like a car. Same thing re housing -- all over me for not buying a home. I have no idea when/if I'll buy, as I don't necessarily want to be stuck with an illiquid asset before I need to be -- i.e. before school districts etc. matter -- and frankly I want to keep my options open; I always think home ownership ties you down in a certain way -- if a great job comes along 40 miles away and you're a renter, you can break a lease and lose 2 months of rent; if you own -- you either have to go through the hassle of selling (which I realize is really easy in DC but not so much in places where the economy stinks) or you sign up for commuting an extra hr a day or more likely, you turn it down.

I didn't explain any of this bc I don't think it's anyone's business, but I'm so sick of people thinking I am "less" than them bc they can't "see" what I have. Anyone else had this experience or is it just my ridiculous family??

Your writing sucks ass. It's so confusing. It's very clear why you didn't make partner. You say you are a second generation immigrant; were you born here or came at a fairly early age? Regardless, the US education system has failed you.

But I get the gist of your complaints.

The first gen immigrants of my family is materialistic like that as well, although manifested in a different way. They were adequately educated but not well educated, came from poor secondary cities and have done above average compared to the general US population. I think my parents' net worth is somewhere between 1-2mil. They have a sense of accomplishment and really take pride in the things that they have or own. They always brag about how good they have it even though it really isn't that impressive at all - 450k house, old Acuras, etc. Whenever they talk about someone else, part of the conversation is always in the context of how much better of they are. My generation is quite a bit more well adjusted. All of us went through good state schools, all have advanced degrees. When I became successful in business, the older generation started having expectations about what I should be doing for the rest of the family. This was just at the start when I started showing signs of success, not even where I am at now. Asians with family that have this mentality can sympathize. I decided I wanted no part of that culture, and certainly did not want my kids exposed to it.

These days I spend nearly zero time with the older generation because I have nothing to say to them and they have nothing I want in return. They don't want my company, they want my money. They think I am selfish for not spreading it around a little, for not defaulting to the "family committee" on personal and financial matters. My generation are all cool with each other and are the extent of our family reunions - non of us can stand to be around our parents for more than a few hours at a time.

My dad called to ask if I wanted any part of his estate, to be in his will. He mentioned it was some amount in the high six figures range. He said if not the money would be going to the relatives on his side in the old country. I flatly said no after almost no consideration. The undertone of the call is of course that if I wanted to be part of his will, I would have to interact with them more. He thought I cared about the money. I am not going to hang around people who I find unpleasant even if they are family.

Clearly you aren't a lawyer -- it reads like a lawyer wrote it. And I can pretty much guarantee writing style isn't a criteria for partnership. Nice of you to take a swing at OP bc she's a "foreigner" for whom the U.S. education system failed and that kept her out of partnership; any clue why 95% of associates aren't making partner at any firm right now -- I mean if they're American with good writing, they should be in, right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL like to play the we're so rich too bad you aren't too game. They can't spend enough fast enough. They have always looked down on us because we don't live like they do. They also think they are the smartest people to inhabit the plant.

I'm just glad we aren't living in the same state as they do. For years they flaunted their greedy life.

In about 15 years they will find just how smart they are.

NP here. We spend a lot of money but we also save a lot. HHI of $1 million. I will admit that we grew up poor. We worked our asses off, attended top universities and like the finer things in life. I don't look down on anyone who live a more modest lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy your cousin a copy of Millionaire Next Door.

+1
Or just keep it for yourself. Way to go OP, keep living below your means.

[Anonymous]

Your cousins don't seem to realize that there are plenty of old money types or millionaire next door types who pretty much live in Old Navy jeans and drive Hondas, even if they can afford 7 jeans and BMWs. So let them not understand . . . be confident in how you're living, and let their bragging about their cars and purses and whatever go in one ear and out the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL like to play the we're so rich too bad you aren't too game. They can't spend enough fast enough. They have always looked down on us because we don't live like they do. They also think they are the smartest people to inhabit the plant.

I'm just glad we aren't living in the same state as they do. For years they flaunted their greedy life.

In about 15 years they will find just how smart they are.

Yeah baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from an Asian family that has become fairly showy in the last generation. The first generation that came here (my parents; aunts/uncles etc.) in the 70s -- put their heads down, worked hard, scrimped/saved, put kids through college -- the typical immigrant story. Now that their generation is retired/close to retired and their kids (me; my cousins etc.) are settled, they are splurging on nicer things -- vacations, luxury cars etc. -- and they seem to be forgetting that they didn't splurge until they hit their 50s-60s. My generation (i.e. my cousins) are a fairly showy bunch. The showy-ness seems inversely proportional to what they are earning; while I don't know what anyone specifically earns, I find that the big city cardiologist is a lot less into his stuff than the engineer working for the city. Just had to spend the weekend with the entire family at a wedding, and I walked away so freaking sick of their comments about me/my life.

I am someone who lives under their means -- for a few reasons. I'm in law and while I busted my a$$ for a decade in biglaw, I knew I had to save a lot of that money bc I wasn't going to make partner and would end up in a "regular" job. I am in said regular job now -- still an atty position and still pays quite well, but not 2nd yr partner well. I am single -- rent a nice one bedroom, just bought a car bc I moved out of NYC for said regular job and the car is something along the lines of a Honda/Toyota/etc. which I am quite excited about bc I have never gotten to own a car before. So I walk in the door and a cousin who works for the city straight up asks me -- what car did you buy? I say it, and his response is -- "oh please, get a REAL car," and then he proceeds to talk about how he just traded in his Audi for a BMW, his wife has a Lexus SUV, his parents have car x or y. As I'm thinking -- that's nice, I bought the car I wanted; I could buy a luxury vehicle in cash if I wanted, but honestly I prefer to keep my cash invested and not put it into an asset like a car. Same thing re housing -- all over me for not buying a home. I have no idea when/if I'll buy, as I don't necessarily want to be stuck with an illiquid asset before I need to be -- i.e. before school districts etc. matter -- and frankly I want to keep my options open; I always think home ownership ties you down in a certain way -- if a great job comes along 40 miles away and you're a renter, you can break a lease and lose 2 months of rent; if you own -- you either have to go through the hassle of selling (which I realize is really easy in DC but not so much in places where the economy stinks) or you sign up for commuting an extra hr a day or more likely, you turn it down.

I didn't explain any of this bc I don't think it's anyone's business, but I'm so sick of people thinking I am "less" than them bc they can't "see" what I have. Anyone else had this experience or is it just my ridiculous family??

Your writing sucks ass. It's so confusing. It's very clear why you didn't make partner. You say you are a second generation immigrant; were you born here or came at a fairly early age? Regardless, the US education system has failed you.

But I get the gist of your complaints.

The first gen immigrants of my family is materialistic like that as well, although manifested in a different way. They were adequately educated but not well educated, came from poor secondary cities and have done above average compared to the general US population. I think my parents' net worth is somewhere between 1-2mil. They have a sense of accomplishment and really take pride in the things that they have or own. They always brag about how good they have it even though it really isn't that impressive at all - 450k house, old Acuras, etc. Whenever they talk about someone else, part of the conversation is always in the context of how much better of they are. My generation is quite a bit more well adjusted. All of us went through good state schools, all have advanced degrees. When I became successful in business, the older generation started having expectations about what I should be doing for the rest of the family. This was just at the start when I started showing signs of success, not even where I am at now. Asians with family that have this mentality can sympathize. I decided I wanted no part of that culture, and certainly did not want my kids exposed to it.

These days I spend nearly zero time with the older generation because I have nothing to say to them and they have nothing I want in return. They don't want my company, they want my money. They think I am selfish for not spreading it around a little, for not defaulting to the "family committee" on personal and financial matters. My generation are all cool with each other and are the extent of our family reunions - non of us can stand to be around our parents for more than a few hours at a time.

My dad called to ask if I wanted any part of his estate, to be in his will. He mentioned it was some amount in the high six figures range. He said if not the money would be going to the relatives on his side in the old country. I flatly said no after almost no consideration. The undertone of the call is of course that if I wanted to be part of his will, I would have to interact with them more. He thought I cared about the money. I am not going to hang around people who I find unpleasant even if they are family.

Clearly you aren't a lawyer -- it reads like a lawyer wrote it. And I can pretty much guarantee writing style isn't a criteria for partnership. Nice of you to take a swing at OP bc she's a "foreigner" for whom the U.S. education system failed and that kept her out of partnership; any clue why 95% of associates aren't making partner at any firm right now -- I mean if they're American with good writing, they should be in, right.

NP here. My DH is an immigrant (came here for college) and is now a partner at a law firm. I agree that OP's writing style is not particularly lucid and that may have been a contributing factor to what held her back. DH had to spend hours of his personal time improving his writing style -- it's not something that comes naturally to immigrants (and perhaps not children of immigrants). It's not even something that comes naturally to most native speakers!

Not saying it's the determining factor to what makes or breaks a bid for partner, but it does play a role, particularly when it comes to communicating with clients and building a book -- you'd better be clear and proficient at diplomatically saying what the client needs to know and do, which builds trust and future business. Not to mention the technicalities of legal writing, ugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your cousins don't seem to realize that there are plenty of old money types or millionaire next door types who pretty much live in Old Navy jeans and drive Hondas, even if they can afford 7 jeans and BMWs. So let them not understand . . . be confident in how you're living, and let their bragging about their cars and purses and whatever go in one ear and out the other.

Millionaire Next Door type agreeing. Love my Honda

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from an Asian family that has become fairly showy in the last generation. The first generation that came here (my parents; aunts/uncles etc.) in the 70s -- put their heads down, worked hard, scrimped/saved, put kids through college -- the typical immigrant story. Now that their generation is retired/close to retired and their kids (me; my cousins etc.) are settled, they are splurging on nicer things -- vacations, luxury cars etc. -- and they seem to be forgetting that they didn't splurge until they hit their 50s-60s. My generation (i.e. my cousins) are a fairly showy bunch. The showy-ness seems inversely proportional to what they are earning; while I don't know what anyone specifically earns, I find that the big city cardiologist is a lot less into his stuff than the engineer working for the city. Just had to spend the weekend with the entire family at a wedding, and I walked away so freaking sick of their comments about me/my life.

I am someone who lives under their means -- for a few reasons. I'm in law and while I busted my a$$ for a decade in biglaw, I knew I had to save a lot of that money bc I wasn't going to make partner and would end up in a "regular" job. I am in said regular job now -- still an atty position and still pays quite well, but not 2nd yr partner well. I am single -- rent a nice one bedroom, just bought a car bc I moved out of NYC for said regular job and the car is something along the lines of a Honda/Toyota/etc. which I am quite excited about bc I have never gotten to own a car before. So I walk in the door and a cousin who works for the city straight up asks me -- what car did you buy? I say it, and his response is -- "oh please, get a REAL car," and then he proceeds to talk about how he just traded in his Audi for a BMW, his wife has a Lexus SUV, his parents have car x or y. As I'm thinking -- that's nice, I bought the car I wanted; I could buy a luxury vehicle in cash if I wanted, but honestly I prefer to keep my cash invested and not put it into an asset like a car. Same thing re housing -- all over me for not buying a home. I have no idea when/if I'll buy, as I don't necessarily want to be stuck with an illiquid asset before I need to be -- i.e. before school districts etc. matter -- and frankly I want to keep my options open; I always think home ownership ties you down in a certain way -- if a great job comes along 40 miles away and you're a renter, you can break a lease and lose 2 months of rent; if you own -- you either have to go through the hassle of selling (which I realize is really easy in DC but not so much in places where the economy stinks) or you sign up for commuting an extra hr a day or more likely, you turn it down.

I didn't explain any of this bc I don't think it's anyone's business, but I'm so sick of people thinking I am "less" than them bc they can't "see" what I have. Anyone else had this experience or is it just my ridiculous family??

Your writing sucks ass. It's so confusing. It's very clear why you didn't make partner. You say you are a second generation immigrant; were you born here or came at a fairly early age? Regardless, the US education system has failed you.

But I get the gist of your complaints.

The first gen immigrants of my family is materialistic like that as well, although manifested in a different way. They were adequately educated but not well educated, came from poor secondary cities and have done above average compared to the general US population. I think my parents' net worth is somewhere between 1-2mil. They have a sense of accomplishment and really take pride in the things that they have or own. They always brag about how good they have it even though it really isn't that impressive at all - 450k house, old Acuras, etc. Whenever they talk about someone else, part of the conversation is always in the context of how much better of they are. My generation is quite a bit more well adjusted. All of us went through good state schools, all have advanced degrees. When I became successful in business, the older generation started having expectations about what I should be doing for the rest of the family. This was just at the start when I started showing signs of success, not even where I am at now. Asians with family that have this mentality can sympathize. I decided I wanted no part of that culture, and certainly did not want my kids exposed to it.

These days I spend nearly zero time with the older generation because I have nothing to say to them and they have nothing I want in return. They don't want my company, they want my money. They think I am selfish for not spreading it around a little, for not defaulting to the "family committee" on personal and financial matters. My generation are all cool with each other and are the extent of our family reunions - non of us can stand to be around our parents for more than a few hours at a time.

My dad called to ask if I wanted any part of his estate, to be in his will. He mentioned it was some amount in the high six figures range. He said if not the money would be going to the relatives on his side in the old country. I flatly said no after almost no consideration. The undertone of the call is of course that if I wanted to be part of his will, I would have to interact with them more. He thought I cared about the money. I am not going to hang around people who I find unpleasant even if they are family.

Clearly you aren't a lawyer -- it reads like a lawyer wrote it. And I can pretty much guarantee writing style isn't a criteria for partnership. Nice of you to take a swing at OP bc she's a "foreigner" for whom the U.S. education system failed and that kept her out of partnership; any clue why 95% of associates aren't making partner at any firm right now -- I mean if they're American with good writing, they should be in, right.

NP here. My DH is an immigrant (came here for college) and is now a partner at a law firm. I agree that OP's writing style is not particularly lucid and that may have been a contributing factor to what held her back. DH had to spend hours of his personal time improving his writing style -- it's not something that comes naturally to immigrants (and perhaps not children of immigrants). It's not even something that comes naturally to most native speakers!

Not saying it's the determining factor to what makes or breaks a bid for partner, but it does play a role, particularly when it comes to communicating with clients and building a book -- you'd better be clear and proficient at diplomatically saying what the client needs to know and do, which builds trust and future business. Not to mention the technicalities of legal writing, ugh!

I write for a living, and can tell you that the OP was completely clear and easy to understand. Sure, there were a couple of errors, but seriously, folks? Nothing worth tearing her apart over. The fact is that most people don't write well. And this goes from assistants to CEOs, lawyers to partners. If you can get your point across on a site like this that's all that matters. It's not Shakespeare.

[Anonymous]

You guys are nuts to be evaluating OP's writing style. I really don't understand the purpose of this. First, why she didn't make partner is not at issue in her post - only the fact that she saved money understanding that she wouldn't. Next, most people don't make partner no matter what their writing style. Finally, casual anonymous internet writing rarely reflects a person's professional, triple-edited writing style.

The OP's writing is totally irrelevant, and yet, the comments about it kind of proves the point of people being pointlessly judgmental.