Ever feel like people put you down for your lifestyle (financially)?

[Anonymous]

Yes, and it's hilarious. My SIL and BIL, who are both teachers and don't have a pot to piss in, criticize us because our house is smaller than theirs. Meanwhile, they're in hock up to their eyebrows and we have no mortgage or other debt. They do not plan to save a dime for their kids' college educations, and we could pay for our kids' in full if we chose. I laugh all the way through their visits. What dumbshits they are.

[Anonymous]

Lucky enough not to have people around me who would put me down for my lifestyle. I don't own an Iphone because I don't need one, my car is old and I'm excited to get another 7 years out of it. These are the sort of things that excite me.
I'm a first generation immigrant and my parents back at home live modestly. My mom used to say:" one can put a saddle on a pig but it's still a pig.".
I'm hoping my children won't care for having things, rather than doing things. We will see.
As of what do we do with the money we don't spend on stuff, my mom is buying up apartments back in old country. I'm doing the same here and bought a piece of land back in old country (cheaper to retire there).
I also save for 529s, have Roth IRA and travel twice a year. Best part is only being able to work 30 hours a week.
I did care for stuff while ago though. Wanted some sneakers after leaving Soviet Union, but they didn't make me feel as good as I had hoped. It also helped that Americans didn't care what one wore compared to newly freed Soviets.
I'm surprised your family puts that pressure on you. I'm sure education came first but does it have to be followed by stuff? Showing off is so pre-crash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People that talk about money usually don't have it. Tacky. To the OP: it's YOUR money, your decision. Offer no explanations of what you do with your money and the reasoning behind it.

Yes, just smile secretively and make them wonder.

[Anonymous]

We live pretty frugally, but could afford a MUCH more lavish lifestyle than we have. Our annual expenses are only 15% of our gross HHI. People look at us and wonder why we don't just splurge on clothes, cars, furniture, renovations, etc... I shrug my shoulders and respond that what we have works for us. When we need to buy a new appliance, renovate a broken [fill in the blank], or furnish a room, then we look for the best deal we can get and spend the money.

Go ahead, make fun of us if you want, but we are financially-independent and could retire at any time without cutting our expenses.

[Anonymous]

It's not just prevalent in immigrant cultures, DH and I are American and our parents are like that too. It's unbelievable how much money they spend. And they've always spent like that too. New cars every other year, fancy vacations, etc.

In our case, I think the Boomers were rebelling against how cheap their parents (greatest generation) were. My grandparents struggled through WW2 and the depression and were always crazy cheap. My mom talks a lot about what she didn't have growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from an Asian family that has become fairly showy in the last generation. The first generation that came here (my parents; aunts/uncles etc.) in the 70s -- put their heads down, worked hard, scrimped/saved, put kids through college -- the typical immigrant story. Now that their generation is retired/close to retired and their kids (me; my cousins etc.) are settled, they are splurging on nicer things -- vacations, luxury cars etc. -- and they seem to be forgetting that they didn't splurge until they hit their 50s-60s. My generation (i.e. my cousins) are a fairly showy bunch. The showy-ness seems inversely proportional to what they are earning; while I don't know what anyone specifically earns, I find that the big city cardiologist is a lot less into his stuff than the engineer working for the city. Just had to spend the weekend with the entire family at a wedding, and I walked away so freaking sick of their comments about me/my life.

I am someone who lives under their means -- for a few reasons. I'm in law and while I busted my a$$ for a decade in biglaw, I knew I had to save a lot of that money bc I wasn't going to make partner and would end up in a "regular" job. I am in said regular job now -- still an atty position and still pays quite well, but not 2nd yr partner well. I am single -- rent a nice one bedroom, just bought a car bc I moved out of NYC for said regular job and the car is something along the lines of a Honda/Toyota/etc. which I am quite excited about bc I have never gotten to own a car before. So I walk in the door and a cousin who works for the city straight up asks me -- what car did you buy? I say it, and his response is -- "oh please, get a REAL car," and then he proceeds to talk about how he just traded in his Audi for a BMW, his wife has a Lexus SUV, his parents have car x or y. As I'm thinking -- that's nice, I bought the car I wanted; I could buy a luxury vehicle in cash if I wanted, but honestly I prefer to keep my cash invested and not put it into an asset like a car. Same thing re housing -- all over me for not buying a home. I have no idea when/if I'll buy, as I don't necessarily want to be stuck with an illiquid asset before I need to be -- i.e. before school districts etc. matter -- and frankly I want to keep my options open; I always think home ownership ties you down in a certain way -- if a great job comes along 40 miles away and you're a renter, you can break a lease and lose 2 months of rent; if you own -- you either have to go through the hassle of selling (which I realize is really easy in DC but not so much in places where the economy stinks) or you sign up for commuting an extra hr a day or more likely, you turn it down.

I didn't explain any of this bc I don't think it's anyone's business, but I'm so sick of people thinking I am "less" than them bc they can't "see" what I have. Anyone else had this experience or is it just my ridiculous family??

Your writing sucks ass. It's so confusing. It's very clear why you didn't make partner. You say you are a second generation immigrant; were you born here or came at a fairly early age? Regardless, the US education system has failed you.

But I get the gist of your complaints.

The first gen immigrants of my family is materialistic like that as well, although manifested in a different way. They were adequately educated but not well educated, came from poor secondary cities and have done above average compared to the general US population. I think my parents' net worth is somewhere between 1-2mil. They have a sense of accomplishment and really take pride in the things that they have or own. They always brag about how good they have it even though it really isn't that impressive at all - 450k house, old Acuras, etc. Whenever they talk about someone else, part of the conversation is always in the context of how much better of they are. My generation is quite a bit more well adjusted. All of us went through good state schools, all have advanced degrees. When I became successful in business, the older generation started having expectations about what I should be doing for the rest of the family. This was just at the start when I started showing signs of success, not even where I am at now. Asians with family that have this mentality can sympathize. I decided I wanted no part of that culture, and certainly did not want my kids exposed to it.

These days I spend nearly zero time with the older generation because I have nothing to say to them and they have nothing I want in return. They don't want my company, they want my money. They think I am selfish for not spreading it around a little, for not defaulting to the "family committee" on personal and financial matters. My generation are all cool with each other and are the extent of our family reunions - non of us can stand to be around our parents for more than a few hours at a time.

My dad called to ask if I wanted any part of his estate, to be in his will. He mentioned it was some amount in the high six figures range. He said if not the money would be going to the relatives on his side in the old country. I flatly said no after almost no consideration. The undertone of the call is of course that if I wanted to be part of his will, I would have to interact with them more. He thought I cared about the money. I am not going to hang around people who I find unpleasant even if they are family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from an Asian family that has become fairly showy in the last generation. The first generation that came here (my parents; aunts/uncles etc.) in the 70s -- put their heads down, worked hard, scrimped/saved, put kids through college -- the typical immigrant story. Now that their generation is retired/close to retired and their kids (me; my cousins etc.) are settled, they are splurging on nicer things -- vacations, luxury cars etc. -- and they seem to be forgetting that they didn't splurge until they hit their 50s-60s. My generation (i.e. my cousins) are a fairly showy bunch. The showy-ness seems inversely proportional to what they are earning; while I don't know what anyone specifically earns, I find that the big city cardiologist is a lot less into his stuff than the engineer working for the city. Just had to spend the weekend with the entire family at a wedding, and I walked away so freaking sick of their comments about me/my life.

I am someone who lives under their means -- for a few reasons. I'm in law and while I busted my a$$ for a decade in biglaw, I knew I had to save a lot of that money bc I wasn't going to make partner and would end up in a "regular" job. I am in said regular job now -- still an atty position and still pays quite well, but not 2nd yr partner well. I am single -- rent a nice one bedroom, just bought a car bc I moved out of NYC for said regular job and the car is something along the lines of a Honda/Toyota/etc. which I am quite excited about bc I have never gotten to own a car before. So I walk in the door and a cousin who works for the city straight up asks me -- what car did you buy? I say it, and his response is -- "oh please, get a REAL car," and then he proceeds to talk about how he just traded in his Audi for a BMW, his wife has a Lexus SUV, his parents have car x or y. As I'm thinking -- that's nice, I bought the car I wanted; I could buy a luxury vehicle in cash if I wanted, but honestly I prefer to keep my cash invested and not put it into an asset like a car. Same thing re housing -- all over me for not buying a home. I have no idea when/if I'll buy, as I don't necessarily want to be stuck with an illiquid asset before I need to be -- i.e. before school districts etc. matter -- and frankly I want to keep my options open; I always think home ownership ties you down in a certain way -- if a great job comes along 40 miles away and you're a renter, you can break a lease and lose 2 months of rent; if you own -- you either have to go through the hassle of selling (which I realize is really easy in DC but not so much in places where the economy stinks) or you sign up for commuting an extra hr a day or more likely, you turn it down.

I didn't explain any of this bc I don't think it's anyone's business, but I'm so sick of people thinking I am "less" than them bc they can't "see" what I have. Anyone else had this experience or is it just my ridiculous family??

Your writing sucks ass. It's so confusing. It's very clear why you didn't make partner. You say you are a second generation immigrant; were you born here or came at a fairly early age? Regardless, the US education system has failed you.

But I get the gist of your complaints.

The first gen immigrants of my family is materialistic like that as well, although manifested in a different way. They were adequately educated but not well educated, came from poor secondary cities and have done above average compared to the general US population. I think my parents' net worth is somewhere between 1-2mil. They have a sense of accomplishment and really take pride in the things that they have or own. They always brag about how good they have it even though it really isn't that impressive at all - 450k house, old Acuras, etc. Whenever they talk about someone else, part of the conversation is always in the context of how much better of they are. My generation is quite a bit more well adjusted. All of us went through good state schools, all have advanced degrees. When I became successful in business, the older generation started having expectations about what I should be doing for the rest of the family. This was just at the start when I started showing signs of success, not even where I am at now. Asians with family that have this mentality can sympathize. I decided I wanted no part of that culture, and certainly did not want my kids exposed to it.

These days I spend nearly zero time with the older generation because I have nothing to say to them and they have nothing I want in return. They don't want my company, they want my money. They think I am selfish for not spreading it around a little, for not defaulting to the "family committee" on personal and financial matters. My generation are all cool with each other and are the extent of our family reunions - non of us can stand to be around our parents for more than a few hours at a time.

My dad called to ask if I wanted any part of his estate, to be in his will. He mentioned it was some amount in the high six figures range. He said if not the money would be going to the relatives on his side in the old country. I flatly said no after almost no consideration. The undertone of the call is of course that if I wanted to be part of his will, I would have to interact with them more. He thought I cared about the money. I am not going to hang around people who I find unpleasant even if they are family.

tl;dr

[Anonymous]

pp here, could you at least not hit the quote button?

[Anonymous]

Buy your cousin a copy of Millionaire Next Door.

[Anonymous]

Same deal. My parents were immigrants who came over in the 1950's on grad school scholarships and had nothing besides their scholarship. They worked through grad school to pay rent and bills and built their family fortune through saving and hard work. So did many of their peers. My parents in their 70s and 80s are now much more lavish in their spending as are many of the children of their peers who I grew up with. We aren't as lavish as many of them, so I understand exactly where you're coming from.

My usual answer is "Thanks, but I got the X that I wanted." X can be house, car, phone, computer, etc. It keeps it simple and says that you aren't really interested in that conversation. You made your choice for your own reasons that are not up for discussion and it's time to move the conversation on. If they want to go on and on about the car they bought or the house they bought, I'll politely listen for a while and then find one of a handful of polite comments to escape "Oh, Aunt Jane just came in and I want to say hello" "Oh, I see the drinks are over there; I'll talk to you later." "Do you know where the rest room is?" etc.

[Anonymous]

12:04, I admire your ability to turn down your inheritance to avoid the strings attached to it. I was raised by Depression-era parents who were understandably traumatized by the experience and pinched every penny. I have not done the same, even though we could manage without it because my DH has had some major health scares in his early fifties, we have had to provide support to two suddenly orphaned relatives, an SN child, and a sibling with a brain injury. We could not have predicted most of these events happening. To me, a few hundred thousand might make a big difference in the quality of life of my family in the future.

[Anonymous]

My brother and SIL like to play the we're so rich too bad you aren't too game. They can't spend enough fast enough. They have always looked down on us because we don't live like they do. They also think they are the smartest people to inhabit the plant.

I'm just glad we aren't living in the same state as they do. For years they flaunted their greedy life.

In about 15 years they will find just how smart they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just prevalent in immigrant cultures, DH and I are American and our parents are like that too. It's unbelievable how much money they spend. And they've always spent like that too. New cars every other year, fancy vacations, etc.

In our case, I think the Boomers were rebelling against how cheap their parents (greatest generation) were. My grandparents struggled through WW2 and the depression and were always crazy cheap. My mom talks a lot about what she didn't have growing up.

Lol! My immigrant parents are always telling us "not to spend money". They lived through the Korean War so they are very cheap and take pride in their cheapness My DH comes from an old money family, they don't spend either and always lived way below their means. They are children of the Depression although fil's family were rich even then.

No one in our families ever comment on our lifestyle. We drive a late 90ties Honda Civic that is still running great that we park on the street. We are retired with a kid in elementary school. We travel a lot.

[Anonymous]

I'm not an immigrant, but a millennial, and I always get 'advice' from older generations of friends and family about how, when and what to spend money on. Meanwhile I'm hitting so many financial goals. I'd rather BE rich than LOOK rich. So just ignore it and do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp here, could you at least not hit the quote button?

+1. So rude.