I'm lost. DD told me she was raped.

[Anonymous]

I'm feeling shell-shocked and questioning everything, including my reaction.

My DD is almost 16. It happened almost a year ago with a boy she knows but hasn't seen since it happened. She was a virgin.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in this post. I know my plan is to have her visit her doc for a check-up and screening and to seek out support groups and a therapist.

I've posted before (in the teens forum) about her issues with academics and how it stemmed from her low self-esteem. This all came to a head when she failed school this year. Little did I know this is what lay beneath the surface. She wrote me a letter. We had a good talk and I cried. She admitted that she dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts (she says she made an attempt).

I'm just questioning everything. Did I react correctly? Should I have been blazing angry? I feel like I took the news too calmly. I'm just second guessing everything.

Again, not sure what I'm asking here. Just feeling lost and incredibly sad.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. You are a good mom and will be able to handle this. She will be a survivor.

[Anonymous]

Stop making this a lot you and focus on her. Get her to a dr and into therapy. That's a first step.

Does the rapist go to her school?

I'd schedule a meeting with the school counselor to discuss the issue and see if anything can be done regarding her grades/transcript.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. You could get a counselor to help you deal with it too. But most of all just tell your kid you love her, you are there for her, and that while you don't have all the answers, you'll do your best to help. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

I don't have advice, but you need therapy, took to figure out how to deal with this appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Report this to the police, ASAP. Even if it is too late to collect evidence and hard to press charges, at least then the kid wile have a police file in case this is a pattern of behavior.

Is he at her school?? Is she in danger of running across him?

[Anonymous]

Take care of yourself too. You might need a little therapy, to give you strategies to help you deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop making this a lot you and focus on her. Get her to a dr and into therapy. That's a first step.

Does the rapist go to her school?

I'd schedule a meeting with the school counselor to discuss the issue and see if anything can be done regarding her grades/transcript.

I'm not making it about me. I'm just wondering if my reaction gave her comfort. If others have dealt with this, just wondering what sort of reaction they would have wanted from their parents. I'm just hoping I didn't fail her even in this.

The rapist does not go to her school. She was at a friend's house and the boy was there. She hasn't seen him since. She knows him but doesn't want to reveal many more details and right now I'm not pushing it too much.

[Anonymous]

Is this your post? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/486315.page

[Anonymous]

I'd want his information so I could crack his skull with a baseball bat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this your post? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/486315.page

Yep, that's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd want his information so I could crack his skull with a baseball bat.

While I'm sorry she suffered with this alone for so long, it is possibly best that I didn't know about this when it first happened. I am almost certain I would be in jail. No doubt in my mind.

Without that anger, I'm just feeling numb...

[Anonymous]

What a terrible thing to go through. Its good she finally reached out to you and you can get her the support she needs. If you are in MC, they have a good county program with counseling - other areas may have similar programs.

http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/hhs-program/BHCS/VASAP/VASAPServices.html

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need you to be angry. She needs you to be supportive of her. Tell her all the things you're doing for her now that you know. Ask what else you can do. Tell her if she thinks of other things to feel free to tell you.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is HUGE that your daughter told you. I was raped in high school and I never told anyone until this year (and I am in my 40s) when I told ONE friend. My DH doesn't even know.

I would never have, and never will, tell my mother. So that speaks volumes about your relationship.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is that you strike a balance, tough as it is, between making too big a deal of this and trying to gloss over it.

So, let her know it was a terrible thing, that many many women experience and she is NOT alone. And that you will take her at a drop of a hat to any therapist or support group in town. And that if she has triggers or PTSD, come up with a code word and that's all she 'll need to say and you can immediately leave the parking lot, or library or wherever without her having to explain.

But at the same time, don't invade her privacy or smother her. Sadly, she will have to heal. Not you for her. She will have to learn to cope with the pain and shame and a therapist can help, but some of this work she is just going to need to do on her own. This will be tough for you.

So, while you don't want to brush off what happened, try not to look at her with whimpering eyes and constantly ask if she's OK and does she want to talk and treat her like a porcelain doll.

She does not need to deal with your guilt as well as her own issues. This is why I never told my mom.

One final note, get her involved in something new fun and fantastic, even if you think it's lame. Some hobby, some sport, just something she can DO and pour her energy into. The danger is the black hole of pain and active people don't fall down those black holes.

Good luck.