I'm a teen, and I'm struggling to come to terms with my sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I know I'm not exactly supposed to be on here, since I'm not parent, but I just want to get some input.

I've been trying to figure out my sexuality for a little over a year now. It all started when I saw a girl at my school who was just...attractive. Yeah, I see girls and think they're pretty all the time, but this one was different. She gave me that butterfly feeling. I tried telling my mom, but I panicked and it didn't work out. I told myself I was straight, and even though I still had feelings for that girl on the bus, I desperately tried to ignore them. They ended up fading.

Then came the other girl. Sometimes I saw her wearing a shirt with a TV show character or musician that I liked, and sometimes she would tell me she liked my shirt when I was in the lunch line. She just seemed so nice, and my favorite part of the day was lunch, since she was in the same lunch as me. At first, I just wanted to be her friend, but then it developed. My heart would beat a little bit faster every time I saw her in the hall. I actually looked forward to PE, my least favorite class, because she was there. School has ended but I still think about her sometimes. She's a year ahead of me, so she's going into high school, but at least it's the same one I'm going to in ninth grade.

See, it's never been like that with boys. Yeah, I had crushes on them, but it was mostly because of the fact that I felt like I HAD to like boys - so I chose who I thought was 'good looking.' Most of the crushes faded after a few months.

When I think about my future, I want to spend it with another girl, maybe even raising a kid. I know it's a little early to think about this, but I love thinking about the future.

The only thing that makes me nervous is that so many people in Virginia are against LGBT+ people. It makes me sad to know that so many people can't accept the fact that love is love no matter who you love.

I don't know if anyone in my family can tell that I'm somewhat gay, even though I'm fiercely protective of LGBT+ people everywhere and will go on and on about the importance of gay rights.

Please help me feel comfortable, and try and figure out my sexuality. Am I really queer? Or am I straight?

[Anonymous]

You need to study in school right now and forget sex.

[Anonymous]

PP you aren't helpful. OP, do you have a counselor or someone at school you trust? Are there any LGBT support groups online, or better, at school?

I don't think it's important to define and pin down your sexuality right now. I do think it's important to know that your sexuality is good, valid, and genuine no matter what it is. And that it could be fluid at this point in your life. Maybe longer.

But please find someone to connect with. Don't go through this alone. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

You're only going into eighth grade. I know it's hard to feel in flux, but it's REALLY okay to not know for sure right now. I know so many men and women who haven't figured out their sexuality until their late 20's or early 30's. I also know a few gay and lesbian people who've known since they were six or seven years old. My point is there's a LONG window of time to figure this all out. For many people sexuality is fluid. So you can be attracted to men mostly, but women just sometimes. Or you can be attracted to women mostly and only one man. A friend of mine is attracted to personality and character, whether that comes in a man or a woman. She's dated both. It's okay to go through a phase of liking girls for a few years, then switch to boys, then back to girls, etc. Nobody requires you to announce your sexuality and stick with it, you know? It's okay if you decide you're gay but also decide it's not safe to be out and to only date guys or not date at all until you get to college and are in a safe environment to date girls.

You've poked around the internet enough to find this place. I bet you could poke around to find support groups for teens who are gay or lesbian or unsure. You can always contact PFLAG (it's for parents of kids who are gay) and ask them to point you in the direction of local support groups for teens like you. My daughter is going into seventh grade and she's on some committee at school that supports gays and lesbians and transgenders at her school (she's straight). Does your school have something like that you could join? I guarantee that unless you are in a one-room schoolhouse a la Little House on the Prairie, you are NOT the only kid at your school confused about these feelings.

Here is a link to a video by Shane Dawson. He's around 27, and just came out as bisexual. He's super emotional because he's STILL confused, and he's over ten years older than you are! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPdE3rbqf_Q

Then do a search on Youtube for "It Gets Better" - check out the one by Dan Savage, among other people. It's a slew of videos done by famous (and some non-famous) people who are gay or lesbian basically telling people just like you to hang in there, things get better. There are other kids in Virginia going through the same thing you are. Do well in school, do well enough to get into a college in a big city. You'll find more people who are non-traditional in big cities. As you get older, you'll feel more clarity in your sexuality and will have a better idea of what you're trying to tell your mom. Definitely look for someone in your family (immediate or extended) who you can talk honestly with. It helps to have someone just to listen.

Hang in there. It really DOES get better. The pressure just ... lessens. The intensity lessens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to study in school right now and forget sex.

Np here. Could you be any stupider?

Teens are sexual beings. Op's feelings are very common.

[Anonymous]

You're very articulate for a teen. Are you sure you're not trolling us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to study in school right now and forget sex.

Come on. She's a kid for crying out loud. You sound very mature OP, and I applaud you for asking these questions. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that I'm straight, and I've never gotten butterfly crushes on girls before. That doesn't mean that you are a lesbian, but you could be bi.

I live in VA, and all of my friends are very accepting of alternative lifestyles. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're very articulate for a teen. Are you sure you're not trolling us?

I was definitely able to write like that, or better, by the time I was in 8th grade.

[Anonymous]

Oh, honey, you do need some help, guidance and someone to talk to, but not the type you're going to find here. This group is very pro-gay and will push you in that direction, all under the guise of "yay for you," at 13 or 14, having the freedom to "experiment" and "celebrate" who you are.

Please don't fall into that trap. It's a world of lies that could affect you for the rest of your life.

First question someone should be asking: Where are your parents? Have you talked to them about this and if not, why not? What is your home life relationship like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Please help me feel comfortable, and try and figure out my sexuality. Am I really queer? Or am I straight?

It's not one or the other. Here's some good, non-judgmental information: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gender/the_rainbow_connection_orientation_for_everyone

Scarleteen is a good site, and furthermore one that will be (in my opinion) much more helpful to you than DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey, you do need some help, guidance and someone to talk to, but not the type you're going to find here. This group is very pro-gay and will push you in that direction, all under the guise of "yay for you," at 13 or 14, having the freedom to "experiment" and "celebrate" who you are.

Please don't fall into that trap. It's a world of lies that could affect you for the rest of your life.

First question someone should be asking: Where are your parents? Have you talked to them about this and if not, why not? What is your home life relationship like?

Also, please ignore this poster. This group is not "pro-gay", it's pro-you being who you are. And yes, you should have the freedom to experiment and celebrate who you are -- everybody should, at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey, you do need some help, guidance and someone to talk to, but not the type you're going to find here. This group is very pro-gay and will push you in that direction, all under the guise of "yay for you," at 13 or 14, having the freedom to "experiment" and "celebrate" who you are.

Please don't fall into that trap. It's a world of lies that could affect you for the rest of your life.

First question someone should be asking: Where are your parents? Have you talked to them about this and if not, why not? What is your home life relationship like?

Wow PP, you are awful. Keep your anti-gay bullshit to yourself.

OP - you don't have to figure this out today, next week, or even in the next couple of years. If you have a good relationship with your parents, talk to them. If you're not sure they would be accepting, talk to your school counselor.

You could be like me - I'm primarily straight but find women sexually attractive (but have no desire to have a female-female relationship or even intimacy). Or you could be bi. Or you could be a lesbian. Who knows! You'll figure it out eventually. The key is to find someone you can trust to help you sort it out and not to put yourself on a timeline. You're going to change throughout your entire life - don't think you have to have yourself all figured out today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey, you do need some help, guidance and someone to talk to, but not the type you're going to find here. This group is very pro-gay and will push you in that direction, all under the guise of "yay for you," at 13 or 14, having the freedom to "experiment" and "celebrate" who you are.

Please don't fall into that trap. It's a world of lies that could affect you for the rest of your life.

First question someone should be asking: Where are your parents? Have you talked to them about this and if not, why not? What is your home life relationship like?

For the love of all that is holy, ignore this post/er.

[Anonymous]

OP, give yourself some time. you are in middle school. It's VERY common for girls to have girl crushes at your age. It's common to spend a lot of time thinking about them, admiring their appearance, and wanting to impress them. Girls at your age pay a lot of attention to each other. you are working on developing your outward image, and you need to look to other girls for inspiration, guidance and ideas.

It's also worth noting that middle school is a very awkward time for boys! So it's not surprising that they don't excite you too much. My dd just finished middle school and she never had a crush on any of the boys in her school. She has her celebrity crushes to hold her over until HS.

When I was your age, nobody talked about homosexuals. So it wasn't even a thought that I could be gay when I thought about other girls. You are growing up at a time when gay rights is all over the news and everyone's talking about it. Which is great, but I can see where it would make young kids over analyze their every thought and fantasy.

When you think about these other girls, do you have sexual fantasies about them? If not, and you just find yourself thinking about them, i don't think that means much. When I was about your age, my best friend and I talked about moving in together and even about adopting kids! But just for fun. Lol. We just thought it sounded more fun to live together than with a guy!

Please don't feel that this is something you need to stress over. You are young, and there is no need to label your sexuality at this point. If you figure out that you are gay, I hope you find all the support that you need. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for not rushing to define yourself. I remember having 'crushes' on girls in middle school, and I definitely wasn't swept away by any boys (though like you I went along with the crowd) or celebrity men. I casually wondered if I was gay, and honestly was a bit unsure through most of high school though didn't have super strong feelings for guys or girls. Turns out I'm straight (happily married to a man) though if I wasn't, that would be fine too. I think there's a lot of pressure on kids now to label themselves and/or experiment, but know it's fine too to just kind of muddle along living life without getting hung up on your sexuality for awhile. You've got plenty of time for that in your future.