Guilt over not moving
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Anonymous
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About 5 years ago my husband and I attempted a move down to SC to be closer to my parents and sister. We were married, but had no kids at the time. My husband was able to transfer his same job down there but at the last minute we backed out and stayed up in the DC area due to my job situation. I thought I would easily be able to find something but after applying to multiple jobs with no bites I panicked and decided it was too risky at the time given that we were young in our careers and my husband was barely making $60K. Fast forward to today and we have three kids and are both doing very well in our careers up here. So well, it would be hard (if not impossible) to move and find jobs like we have currently ever again.
When we initially told my family five years ago that we weren't moving my mom refused to talk to me for two months. She eventually got over it but lately has been brining it up more and more and just recently erupted and told me that I did not value family and was staying up in the DC area all for monetary reasons. She went on to say that she doesn't even feel like grandparent because she only sees the kids a few weeks a year and that they're really missing out on all she has to offer and that we should value family over our jobs. I get that she's hurt, but why the guilt trip? For the past year every single visit has led to her being emotional about the distance and bitter. It just makes for very awkward visits and I'm starting to wonder what I should do next. What would you do in my situation? |
Anonymous
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Omg. Mom is being a total drama queen. You have to live your life in the way that is best for your DH and kids. Look, I moved away from my parents with their only two grand kids and they were soooo sad. It was rough on everybody. But they manned up immediately and understood the reasons we cited in making our move. They miss us and the kids, but we do lots of FaceTime and visits every other month or so.
There is nothing for you to do. Don't let her guilt trip you! This is YOUR life. Not hers. |
Anonymous
| Why don't you have your mother find you jobs in her area that will allow you to maintain the same quality of life you have here. If she can't then tell her to move up here since you're unable to jeopardize your financial security. If she values family so much, I'm sure she'll have no problem relocating...... |
Anonymous
| Why can't your mom move? That's what my parents did. Dc is a beautiful place |
Anonymous
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She has to get with the times. Gone are the days of staying in one place, let alone one country, your whole life. As an international family, with parents overseas across the Atlantic and grandparents overseas across the Pacific, and other family members widely scattered in different other countries, I don't really have sympathy for your mother. I saw my grandparents once every 5 years at the most, even the ones who only lived a few countries away. My children see their grandparents once every year! That's progress 
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Anonymous
Same here. My mom is 9,000+ miles away! Maybe tell her that she's very close by DC grandparent standards!! Not much you can do about it, though. But don't feel guilty. |
Anonymous
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She is being dramatic and unreasonable. I can understand her desire to have her children and grandchildren live close by but she is blind to the difficulties of uprooting your jobs, schools, friends, etc. to relocate. It isn't always so simple or so easy to do so.
It is just as ridiculous as it would be if you were upset and not talking to her for two months because she refuses to move to DC and be near her daughter and grandchildren. She has a life there, home there, family and friends there. It isn't so simple. Honestly, I know very few people who still live close to where they grew up or close to their parents. I think it is how things are now. And, she is fortunate enough to be within the same time zone and driving distance. You could be on the west coast! I would not take on her guilt and her issues. You can try to explain to her how her behavior is affecting the time you do get to see one another but she sounds unreasonable and probably wouldn't see it that way. You could try visiting more, more Facetime, more phone calls and see if that makes it better? Honestly, I really don't think there is anything you can do to improve it. She seems like she wants to wallow in what she can't have. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I'm glad I'm not crazy in thinking I was doing something something wrong. The guilt is just so terrible at times. What's worse is that she blames my husband for us not being there. And it's not his fault at all! I was the one pushing to stay! |
Anonymous
| If my mom pulled that (and I have no doubt she might), that would be the end. Fine. You want to act like a petulant child and have hissy fits and be a drama queen? I don't care that you are grandma, I have no time for that. No more visits. |
Anonymous
| She's got friends with local grandkids/children and it's making her jealous and resentful. She needs something else to make her feel confident and cool. |
Anonymous
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She refused to talk to you for two months? That's really shitty of her. She sounds completely self-involved. Stay here if that's what's best for your family. You don't owe her your life and neither does your husband. I'd be straight with her and also tell her that she has to stop pestering you about it. The conversation needs to end.
She's probably retired or near the end of her career, right? She can move closer to you if she truly wants to be closer to you and her grandchildren. |
Anonymous
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Here's how I'd deal with it next time she brings it up: "Mom, I know you're disappointed that we didn't end up moving back, but the reality of our jobs and our lives is that DC is the best place for us. I love you and the rest of our family very much, and I am committed to maintaining our family ties. It's not fair of you to guilt trip me about my choice of where to live. Please don't bring it up any more." [exit] If and when she starts talking about that issue again, leave the conversation.
P.S. You do know that her behavior is evidence that you made the correct choice, right? |
Anonymous
+1 I would also mention that every time she does bring it up, it's hurtful and makes you want visits to be less frequent, i.e., she's making the few weeks a year you DO have together incredibly unpleasant. |
Anonymous
Another +1 here for this approach. Please do it with kindness. She likely is getting older and realizing she might not be around a lot longer, hence the increase in guilt-tripping; don't be surprised if you start to hear, "I might die soon and then you'll be sorry" or something along those lines, probably not in those words....Use the statement above, do not let her bring things up, and learn to distract and redirect. So, after you've said the above to her: Visiting Mom: "I get your whole statement about not bringing it up again but....You don't value family and should have moved here. You still can but you won't!" You: "Hey, the kids might enjoy Tourist Destination X and you haven't been there in years. I checked and they're open this afternoon. Let's try it!" Or, to Mom on the phone: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I could really use your help with this recipe for dinner--I'm making dish X and how do I...." Or: "We're doing fine. Son had a ball game this afternoon and I know he'd like to tell you about it, here he is...." Yes, OP, it can get exhausting to keep deflecting but if you can make it your own default setting it'll become routine. Get her attention off the idea of a move and onto whatever is smack in front of her face at that moment. But you can only feel guilty if you let her make you feel guilty. If you hadn't said something five years ago about possibly considering moving (not even committing to it!), would she be so easily able to guilt-trip you now? Don't regret doing what was, and still is, best for the family you made with your husband. You have a life here -- not just a house and a a bank account. Your kids have their activities and friend. You have friends and connections and so does your husband. You can do that and still value family who live far away. Tell her that if you must: It's our life, not just our jobs. Was she born, raised, married and then raised you, all in the same place? That really colors the perspective of some older people - not all, but some. If that's the case, keep deflecting. If it's not the case and she herself moved at some point -- maybe bring up with her the fact that she moved to wherever she is and built her life there, and you're doing the same in a place that works for your family. |
Anonymous
I get what you are saying and I've even lived abroad for stints away from everyone I've known except for DH, but to pretend like "gone are the days" when someone might value staying in a certain distance from family is just wrong. There are definitely people who place that value higher and DO live that way. I know that I wish my own DH saw things more that way, but he was raised to think that siblings and generations are just supposed to spread out and just not bonded in the same way, or maybe to say not in each other's lives in the same way as those who choose to stay physically closer. And yes, yes before people jump in with the "I live 5 miles from my brother and we don't speak" anecdotes, I am not talking about people who "end up" near family, I'm talking about people who make conscious decisions for their own family based in some part on whatever value they put on extended family relationships. Those people aren't all "gone with the times" is all I am saying. OP- your mother's guilt trips are not healthy, nor are making the visits awkward. I don't entirely dismiss her feelings though. I think she needs to find healthier ways to discuss or process them though! Also, if you are willing to move maybe tell her to start helping if she hears of good jobs down there! If not she can't complain. |