Guilt over not moving

[Anonymous]

I have elderly parents who are also extremely disappointed we don't live near them. The guilt is overwhelming at times, because I do know people who have moved "back home" just to take care of their parents. When there was a recent job change and we had to sell our house in another area and ended up moving to DC, there were no offers to live with them temporarily or help us out. So, when there was a golden opportunity for my parents to have us come live near them, the silence was deafening.

My parents are borderline hostile and abusive at times, so I (or my sibling) have no urge to actually live near them or to live in the area we grew up in and actively dislike. I still have all the guilt though.

I have seen many grandparents, especially the more well educated and wealthier grandparents, who are either willing to move closer to their grandchildren OR who take advantage of the time they can spend with them, let the grandkids summer at their house, etc...

My situation is different, but if you could let her know that you did not move because of your job situation and had you found a job you and your husband would have moved 5 years ago. If she can help both of you find jobs there now, and is willing to do so, then she needs to follow through and give you contacts. If you and your husband and your kids coud live rent free in her house until both of you found employment, then that would help as well. If she really values family over jobs, then she should show it with her actions.

If she just wants to "make" you do what she wants (like my Mom), there will probably be much more guilt and bitterness and not any concrete solutions or offers to help.

[Anonymous]

I am baffled at these older parents expected their kids to stayed tied to them and their hometown for the rest of their lives.

I know my kids will "fly away" someday, and I want them to live in the place that is best for them. I look forward to visiting them wherever they land, and am grateful that we live in an age where it is so easy to stay connected with people far away.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are in opposite situations and it's not better on the other side. DH and I are both from the DC area and decided to raise a family here for many reasons--great job market, friends here, etc. but mostly because our parents would be around to spend time with the kids. My mom/MIL would talk about how they couldn't wait to have grandkids for 7 years before we started our family. They were over the moon that the kids would be so close and they could spend time with them, blah, blah, blah.

My in-laws and parents are BOTH retiring and moving within the year to locations a few hours away. Granted, not as far as SC but not close enough to just pop by and hang out for an afternoon. Glad we had other reasons to stay in DC because clearly the grandparent reason didn't pan out.

The lesson I learned---do what's best for you, DH and your kids. No one else is relocating (or in my case staying) to provide for your needs so you sure-as-hell don't need to move to accommodate other people.