Divorcing/dating with a young kid

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry if this issue has already been hashed out to death. But I've read a lot of threads lately with divorcees asking about dating with young kids or people contemplating divorce and wondering what it would be like. And many of the responses are often very blunt: don't divorce with young kids (absent abuse). And if you do divorce, don't date, so you can focus on your kid. I don't know why but I'm having a hard time understanding the apparent lack of compassion in these responses.

I'll discuss my situation: I have a 5yo son and divorced several months ago. Before we divorced, my ex and I tried counseling for several years, and it didn't make much of a difference. I wanted to keep working on the relationship, instead of separating, so as not to harm my son, but eventually my ex just moved out. And after she moved out, she expressed no desire of reconciling or even going out with me again alone, to see if we could rebuild the relationship. So eventually, I suggested divorce, and we made it happen. We now coparent pretty well and are congenial, but clearly are never getting back together.

To the people who say, never divorce with a young kid, absent abuse, I ask: what should I have done? I wanted my ex to stay. She didn't. I couldn't keep her from leaving. I made empassioned plea after empassioned plea to try some more, but they weren't making a difference. And once she moved out, I made more efforts (and didn't date) but she didn't want to even consider wanting to get back together. Should we just have stayed separated-but-married indefinitely? How would that have been better for our son than divorcing?

And then once I divorced: what should I do in my free time when I don't have my son? I work out a lot, hang out with friends, meditate, etc. But it's been years since I've been in a real emotionally connected relationship. And I miss and crave that. I don't date when I have him, and I do what I can to help him handle the transition. Usually he does real well, though sometimes he has difficult days, and it's devastating, but I do what I can to help. Do i need to be alone the rest of the time too? Do I not get a chance to see if there's someone else out there that I could be happy with? Did I forfeit that right by having a kid?

Obviously, the fact that I'd have any desire in posting here shows that I still have some issues related to my divorce. I do. I probably will for a long time. And that does suggest that I'm not ready for another long term relationship yet. But obviously those don't happen overnight. And how can I determine what would be a more constructive and fulfilling relationship without some trial and error. And how is my dating while having some baggage any different than the myriad other types of baggage that other singles have? I don't know.

Not all situations are similar. But it seems that mine isn't too unique. I'm sure I'll get plenty of flames on this, but I wanted to let the various posters who have been in similar situations and recently asked questions on this, that I hear you and understand the questions you're struggling with. I hope you're getting the advice you're seeking.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? How long has it been since, in your mind, you broke up? How long were you together?

[Anonymous]

We were together for 10 years and married for 6.5. We struggled for the last 3 (and periods before that). It's now been done with no hope for over a year. And we've been divorced for 7 months.

[Anonymous]

I'm 37.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 30 year old single Mom and date on my off nights. Like you, I started off by putting time into the gym, reconnecting with friends and building a social life. 10 years is a long time, you certainly aren't expected to be "healed" in 7 months, a year, two years. I won't even tell you to get out there because I don't think you should until you feel ready to love again. Go on a journey real and imagined to finding your center, happiness and what you want from life. Then go out and get it! Once you are there online datung can be overwhelming but at 37 you will definitely find women that want to date you.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was young and I've posted in prior threads about effects of divorce on kids.

I have no idea what you should or could have done with respect to your marriage so won't presume to comment on that.

Regarding the dating part, though, you should do what you like on your own time, but not further destabilize or complicate the kid's life.

As a young kid, I found it immensely confusing and unsettling to be introduced to my parents' significant others (not that there were many). It added more uncertainty (is this person going to move in with us? how should I act around this person? do they want to be my new mom/dad? can they tell me what to do? are we going to have to move?) to a situation that was already confusing and unstable. Then, when the significant other invariably disappeared and was replaced, this raised a whole host of other issues.

In short, I would have been MUCH happier and better off if my parents had dated "for fun" on their own time and left the kids out of it.

[Anonymous]

I dated just fine while I was single and had young kids. It was just fine. It's how I met the guy I wound up marrying. I do agree with not introducing children to dates or boyfriends/girlfriends even when you feel it's Super Serious. I began dating a guy who I'd been friends with for years, years earlier. We didn't introduce each other to our kids until we'd been dating nine or ten months. We gave our kids several months to get used to each aspect of things. We're friends, we're dating, we're serious, we're going to move in, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were together for 10 years and married for 6.5. We struggled for the last 3 (and periods before that). It's now been done with no hope for over a year. And we've been divorced for 7 months.

Yes but your kid has not been struggling for the past 3 years. In fact, he had a nice little family life that was dependable and stable. He was happy. Then poof! it's all gone. And he shuttles back and forth between homes, holidays are split up, and all he really wants is for you and his mom to live in the same house again so that he can feel safe and secure and he can just live at his house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were together for 10 years and married for 6.5. We struggled for the last 3 (and periods before that). It's now been done with no hope for over a year. And we've been divorced for 7 months.

Yes but your kid has not been struggling for the past 3 years. In fact, he had a nice little family life that was dependable and stable. He was happy. Then poof! it's all gone. And he shuttles back and forth between homes, holidays are split up, and all he really wants is for you and his mom to live in the same house again so that he can feel safe and secure and he can just live at his house.

You are obviously a person who lacks any kind of empathy and who did not read the original post.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation with a four year old. Two years ago, when my ex wife and I were talking about friends who divorced, wife said "divorce would never be an option for me." I thought we were in a normal lull in our marriage, like all my friends have experienced, but found out that lull was wife deciding she didn't want to be married to me, and then having an emotional affair that became a full affair. I thought we should give our marriage 6 months of intensive work before deciding to split, but she was already out the door. Like OP said, what are you going to do? You can't force someone to stay married.

Like OP, I don't involve my kid in my dating life, but I do date. I don't think being single for the next 14 years would benefit my kid, although I won't introduce any dates until it's serious.

This isn't the situation I wanted to be in, but now I need to adjust to the new reality. My kid does want to live "all together" as a family, but there is no way for me to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were together for 10 years and married for 6.5. We struggled for the last 3 (and periods before that). It's now been done with no hope for over a year. And we've been divorced for 7 months.

Yes but your kid has not been struggling for the past 3 years. In fact, he had a nice little family life that was dependable and stable. He was happy. Then poof! it's all gone. And he shuttles back and forth between homes, holidays are split up, and all he really wants is for you and his mom to live in the same house again so that he can feel safe and secure and he can just live at his house.

Nice. Now go for a walk down the middle lanes of 495.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you are experiencing is the belief (particularly on this board, though also elsewhere) that once one is a parent, one's own wants and needs do not matter. It's not just that your needs are less important than your child's - it's that if you so much as express your needs, you are selfish and should never have had children.

We separated when our daughter was 2. We were both 100% sure that there was no possibility of reconciliation. We were both ready to move on from our marriage and find happiness in new lives. We recognized the degree to which we would remain interconnected and have maintained a cordial relationship for the vast majority of the last 3.5 years. Dating when you have a small child is tricky, particularly if you're dating someone else who has a small child. There are a lot of landmines that it's easy to step on.

My ex, for example, introduced several partners a bit sooner than I felt was appropriate. On the one hand, for him (and also for me), it was impossible to know whether a relationship had the potential to become long term without knowing how that person interacted with our child. On the other hand, introducing DD to a string of women, some of whom would not even last a month, was confusing for her, particularly as she grew older. I know that he went on a lot of dates that he didn't introduce DD to, but his boundaries were different than my boundaries. He is engaged now to someone who, while I do not particularly care for her personally, has been nothing but kind and loving to DD. She is responsible and cares about DD's well-being, which is why their relationship has succeed where his previous relationships post-divorce failed.

I am recently remarried to someone that I've known for close to 10 years. We dated without involving DD for several months. When he became a regular fixture in DD's life, we took it very slowly. He'd come over for dinner, then go home. We'd go to the zoo, then go our separate ways. Gradually, we spent more time together. My cues, every step of the way, came from what DD appeared to be comfortable with.

You know yourself and you know your child. There are no hard and fast rules for this stuff. You will know when you are ready for a serious relationship, and you will likely know fairly quickly which relationships have long term potential and which relationships are just for fun.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks PPs. I appreciate your advice, stories, and perspectives. I will be careful who I introduce him too (in fact, that's part of our parenting plan we worked out when divorcing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks PPs. I appreciate your advice, stories, and perspectives. I will be careful who I introduce him too (in fact, that's part of our parenting plan we worked out when divorcing).

7:32 PP here. That's really the main thing, with dating. I will say that it's also not the easiest task in the world to find someone who accommodates your schedule related to your child. There are people who say that they understand, but then they are upset if you are unable to do X or Y because of the kid of unwilling to introduce them to the kid so you can do things together. Dating people who have children themselves can be helpful there, since they at least understand what you're going through, but obviously that can lead to even more schedule complications.

My DH, for example, was not particularly patient about my "no overnights when DD is here for at least 6 months, maybe more like 12" rule. He thought that it was arbitrary. I relaxed the rule when we'd been together around 8 months, when DD asked why he always left at bedtime.

[Anonymous]

I see the "you should never have done X 10 years ago" advice in so many threads. Without a time machine, I'm not sure how that is even remotely useful. I think a lot of that who feel the need to separate themselves from the problem. That way, they feel better by convincing themselves plans don't always work out and it can happen to them.