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[quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry if this issue has already been hashed out to death.  But I've read a lot of threads lately with divorcees asking about dating with young kids or people contemplating divorce and wondering what it would be like.  And many of the responses are often very blunt: don't divorce with young kids (absent abuse). And if you do divorce, don't date, so you can focus on your kid.  I don't know why but I'm having a hard time understanding the apparent lack of compassion in these responses.

I'll discuss my situation: I have a 5yo son and divorced several months ago.  Before we divorced, my ex and I tried counseling for several years, and it didn't make much of a difference.  I wanted to keep working on the relationship, instead of separating, so as not to harm my son, but eventually my ex just moved out.  And after she moved out, she expressed no desire of reconciling or even going out with me again alone, to see if we could rebuild the relationship.  So eventually, I suggested divorce, and we made it happen.  We now coparent pretty well and are congenial, but clearly are never getting back together.

To the people who say, never divorce with a young kid, absent abuse, I ask: what should I have done?  I wanted my ex to stay. She didn't.  I couldn't keep her from leaving.  I made empassioned plea after empassioned plea to try some more, but they weren't making a difference.  And once she moved out, I made more efforts (and didn't date) but she didn't want to even consider wanting to get back together.  Should we just have stayed separated-but-married indefinitely?  How would that have been better for our son than divorcing?

And then once I divorced: what should I do in my free time when I don't have my son?  I work out a lot, hang out with friends, meditate, etc. But it's been years since I've been in a real emotionally connected relationship.  And I miss and crave that.  I don't date when I have him, and I do what I can to help him handle the transition.  Usually he does real well, though sometimes he has difficult days, and it's devastating, but I do what I can to help. Do i need to be alone the rest of the time too?  Do I not get a chance to see if there's someone else out there that I could be happy with?  Did I forfeit that right by having a kid?

Obviously, the fact that I'd have any desire in posting here shows that I still have some issues related to my divorce.  I do. I probably will for a long time. And that does suggest that I'm not ready for another long term relationship yet.  But obviously those don't happen overnight.  And how can I determine what would be a more constructive and fulfilling relationship without some trial and error.  And how is my dating while having some baggage any different than the myriad other types of baggage that other singles have?  I don't know.

Not all situations are similar.  But it seems that mine isn't too unique.  I'm sure I'll get plenty of flames on this, but I wanted to let the various posters who have been in similar situations and recently asked questions on this, that I hear you and understand the questions you're struggling with. I hope you're getting the advice you're seeking.[/quote]

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