Reply to Divorcing/dating with a young kid

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, what you are experiencing is the belief (particularly on this board, though also elsewhere) that once one is a parent, one's own wants and needs do not matter. It's not just that your needs are less important than your child's - it's that if you so much as express your needs, you are selfish and should never have had children.

We separated when our daughter was 2. We were both 100% sure that there was no possibility of reconciliation. We were both ready to move on from our marriage and find happiness in new lives. We recognized the degree to which we would remain interconnected and have maintained a cordial relationship for the vast majority of the last 3.5 years. Dating when you have a small child is tricky, particularly if you're dating someone else who has a small child. There are a lot of landmines that it's easy to step on.

My ex, for example, introduced several partners a bit sooner than I felt was appropriate. On the one hand, for him (and also for me), it was impossible to know whether a relationship had the potential to become long term without knowing how that person interacted with our child. On the other hand, introducing DD to a string of women, some of whom would not even last a month, was confusing for her, particularly as she grew older. I know that he went on a lot of dates that he didn't introduce DD to, but his boundaries were different than my boundaries. He is engaged now to someone who, while I do not particularly care for her personally, has been nothing but kind and loving to DD. She is responsible and cares about DD's well-being, which is why their relationship has succeed where his previous relationships post-divorce failed.

I am recently remarried to someone that I've known for close to 10 years. We dated without involving DD for several months. When he became a regular fixture in DD's life, we took it very slowly. He'd come over for dinner, then go home. We'd go to the zoo, then go our separate ways. Gradually, we spent more time together. My cues, every step of the way, came from what DD appeared to be comfortable with.

You know yourself and you know your child. There are no hard and fast rules for this stuff. You will know when you are ready for a serious relationship, and you will likely know fairly quickly which relationships have long term potential and which relationships are just for fun. [/quote]

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