possibly adopting 3-year-old nephew

[Anonymous]

My husband's sister had an unexpected pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful little boy almost 3 years ago. They live overseas and we don't know the child very well. Since he was born the sister has struggled with being a parent. She and her boyfriend think of him and treat him like he's nothing more than an annoyance. She tells my DH how much she hates being a parent, that the boy is a "terrible child" and that "nobody likes him expect one of the dogs". She admits to hitting the child and from what we've heard/seen she doesn't give much affection to him. When we've visited, the child has always been sweet and wonderful. He's about to turn 3, so of course he has the typical tantrums and occasional difficulties, but very normal behavior. Other family members say that the child is just a typical little kid, but his parents just don't want him. DH got a phone call from his sister a few weeks ago and she said she can't take it anymore, can't stand being a parent and her and her boyfriend have considered giving him up for adoption. She wants out. After a lot of discussion, DH and I offered to take him for the summer. We have three kids of our own and my DH is visiting his family right now (pre-planned trip) and if all goes as planned, he'll be flying back with this little boy. He'll be staying with us for 8 weeks and then his grandfather will fly here and bring him back home. I'm nervous for several reasons....

1. 8 weeks is a long time and will the boy be traumatized being away from home so long?
2. Will this negatively impact my own kids and the dynamics of my family?
3. My DH is from another country...so this child doesn't speak English. I don't speak his native language very well. My children will be able to communicate with him, but it'll be hard for me.
4. I'm worried about the financial cost of having another kid in daycare/camp. We're living very tight money-wise and the sister/boyfriend are not in any position to help with money.
5. Some family members and friends think that she won't want him back after the 8 weeks. That this is like a "trial adoption" and we could end up with him permanently. I'm not against adopting the boy, but it's a lot to consider.

Has anyone adopted a young child from a family member? Or has taken care of another child for extended periods of time? I'd appreciate any advice or similar stories. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I adopted a family member's child as a baby. Mom just couldn't handle being a mom. I have raised her for 15 years and she is just as much mine as my bio kids. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to her if I didn't adopt her but I am positive she is much better off. She is one amazing kid! Please consider helping this little boy. You could seriously change his entire life. If you do adopt, please be honest with him.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is a lot to consider. But it would be such a wonderful gift for both your family and this little boy. You sound like such a lovely and caring family.

Can other family members pitch in and assist with childcare costs? I really think that if you are taking this on, others need to step up as well. I wouldn't hesitate to ask the grandparents and other family members that have weighed in.

[Anonymous]

This child has been emotionally and physically abused by his parents. You and DH are kind to take him for the summer but it will be difficult to give him back. You should speak to an adoption counselor with DH to see what you are taking on.

[Anonymous]

I did. My husband's sister was neglecting her baby. The husband left. Like, literally drove her home from the hospital, got her and the baby inside, as they got settled he packed up all his shit, and then just walked out. DH and I work full time and we had been in talks with the sister to enter a nanny share using our nanny. We were racing over to her house each day after work to check the baby, who was being severely neglected. Horrifying diaper rashes - to the point my daughter, who wasn't even 2, looked at the newborn's ass and burst into tears. We were taking the newborn overnight, on weekends, etc. DH was working from home to keep the baby. His sister just slept all day. We tried everything to get her engaged with her baby. We tried talking to the husband - DH took him out for a beer and gave him a talk. No dice.

We tried moving his sister in with us. Didn't work. Now we have two kids. Being able to afford it luckily wasn't an issue for us. In a weird turn of events, I needed to have surgery that had a month of recovery, so I was able to spend a solid month at home, with the baby, bonding and getting her used to getting fed and changed and replied to when she needed them. We'd been a "one and done" couple prior to her but ... whatever. I am not sure how we will explain that her aunt is also her mother, etc. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[Anonymous]

That woman should be ashamed of herself. That poor, poor little boy. Please give him a safe, loving home. He desperately needs it.

[Anonymous]

You need a lawyer here. This is a potential international adoption and you will have visa/residency issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That woman should be ashamed of herself. That poor, poor little boy. Please give him a safe, loving home. He desperately needs it.

He needs a living home and family but it should not be a relative. He should be adopted in his home country. Imagine how he will feel knowing that "aunt" Larla is actually his mother. Love, unfortunately, Does not conquer all. He will need years of counselling. This is nothing but trouble for a long, long time.

[Anonymous]

Why not a relative?

[Anonymous]

I think I would just go ahead and do the adoption.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe try to find some local resources for adoptive parents. You're doing the right thing. You have a chance to turn this boy's life around.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to a lawyer ASAP.

You should probably talk to an adoption agency to find resources on more common issues with adoption (such as attachment issues) so you can go into this with your eyes open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would just go ahead and do the adoption.

You make it sounds so simple.

OP, if you are seriously considering this, know that any international adoption is going to need to be certified by what the Hague treaty calls a "Primary Placement Provider", that is an agency that has Hague credentials.

One agency that I know does this work is Spence Chapin in New York. They'll work with people in almost any country for a kinship situation. Given the precarious nature of international adoption law, it probably would make sense to talk to them before your nephew enters the country, as there may be factors to take into account.

[Anonymous]

Having a warm loving home will be wonderful for this child. You sound like great people, and I am sure you and your biological children will step up.

I really admire you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did. My husband's sister was neglecting her baby. The husband left. Like, literally drove her home from the hospital, got her and the baby inside, as they got settled he packed up all his shit, and then just walked out. DH and I work full time and we had been in talks with the sister to enter a nanny share using our nanny. We were racing over to her house each day after work to check the baby, who was being severely neglected. Horrifying diaper rashes - to the point my daughter, who wasn't even 2, looked at the newborn's ass and burst into tears. We were taking the newborn overnight, on weekends, etc. DH was working from home to keep the baby. His sister just slept all day. We tried everything to get her engaged with her baby. We tried talking to the husband - DH took him out for a beer and gave him a talk. No dice.

We tried moving his sister in with us. Didn't work. Now we have two kids. Being able to afford it luckily wasn't an issue for us. In a weird turn of events, I needed to have surgery that had a month of recovery, so I was able to spend a solid month at home, with the baby, bonding and getting her used to getting fed and changed and replied to when she needed them. We'd been a "one and done" couple prior to her but ... whatever. I am not sure how we will explain that her aunt is also her mother, etc. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

My parents adopted my brother from my aunt (my mom's sister) when he was one. My aunt went on to marry and have three more kids, my brother is very close to them. I think my mom told him when he was around six. He is now 32 and very successful and has a great relationship with us and my aunt.