possibly adopting 3-year-old nephew

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about communicating with the kid. It will be an adjustment but he will soon settle in to having a routine and a warm and loving household.

i would consult an intl adoption attny so that you know what your options are.

[Anonymous]

Go to the State Department website to get more info on adopting from that particular country. Some countries have a moratorium on international adoptions and you need to get signatures from both birth parents and other documents to take the child out of the country. Your DH might have to return to the birth country with the child to proceed with the adoption.
Unless you don't want to legally adopt him and keep him in your family as a nephew. I knew someone who lived with his aunt and uncle while his parents were in South America. I don't know the legality of it. Talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for all the advice, words of encouragement, and personal stories. I have no idea how this will eventually turn out. I think that's the hardest part...not knowing. If I knew for sure this would lead to adoption, I could plan for it. But I don't know how temporary or permanent this will be. Hopefully things will work out best for our nephew and family, no matter which way it goes.

[Anonymous]

What would Jesus do? Bless you op!

[Anonymous]

Do know that even countries that are practically impossible to do an international adoption from (like Ireland) often have far more lenient rules for kinship adoptions. So make sure you're looking at the right thing.

Best of luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

His mother is your husbands sister? This makes it very different from open adoption? What if she wants him back? What if his father wants him back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's sister had an unexpected pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful little boy almost 3 years ago. They live overseas and we don't know the child very well. Since he was born the sister has struggled with being a parent. She and her boyfriend think of him and treat him like he's nothing more than an annoyance. She tells my DH how much she hates being a parent, that the boy is a "terrible child" and that "nobody likes him expect one of the dogs". She admits to hitting the child and from what we've heard/seen she doesn't give much affection to him. When we've visited, the child has always been sweet and wonderful. He's about to turn 3, so of course he has the typical tantrums and occasional difficulties, but very normal behavior. Other family members say that the child is just a typical little kid, but his parents just don't want him. DH got a phone call from his sister a few weeks ago and she said she can't take it anymore, can't stand being a parent and her and her boyfriend have considered giving him up for adoption. She wants out. After a lot of discussion, DH and I offered to take him for the summer. We have three kids of our own and my DH is visiting his family right now (pre-planned trip) and if all goes as planned, he'll be flying back with this little boy. He'll be staying with us for 8 weeks and then his grandfather will fly here and bring him back home. I'm nervous for several reasons....

1. 8 weeks is a long time and will the boy be traumatized being away from home so long?
2. Will this negatively impact my own kids and the dynamics of my family?
3. My DH is from another country...so this child doesn't speak English. I don't speak his native language very well. My children will be able to communicate with him, but it'll be hard for me.
4. I'm worried about the financial cost of having another kid in daycare/camp. We're living very tight money-wise and the sister/boyfriend are not in any position to help with money.
5. Some family members and friends think that she won't want him back after the 8 weeks. That this is like a "trial adoption" and we could end up with him permanently. I'm not against adopting the boy, but it's a lot to consider.

Has anyone adopted a young child from a family member? Or has taken care of another child for extended periods of time? I'd appreciate any advice or similar stories. Thank you.

We have a 4 year old nephew who was removed from his parents two years ago at 2 that we have considered adopting so I will try to answer your questions in light of our experience.

Yes, 8 weeks is a long time. He will be very traumatized by the separation from his mother and father and from everyone and everything familiar to him. It is one thing to visit a young child in his home environment, quite another to bring them to a new town/city/county with a completely different language/culture and have him live with your family, who he has seen infrequently. Every child longs for his home and his parents, even neglectful or abusive ones.

It will absolutely negatively impact your kids and family dynamics. Who is going to care for the child while you both work? Your nephew will be upset and very clingy. If you are unable to communicate with the child, how the the nanny and camp personnel fare? Your nephew will need a lot of attention and probably initially from your husband because he is more familiar and speaks the language. If money is tight already, get ready for it to be stretched even more. You and your husband will fight about it and cutbacks will need to be made somewhere.

To put him through this experience for two months, get him acclimated and bonding with your family, and then to send him back to an uncertain future? That will retraumatize him, upset you and your children, and make your husband feel extremely guilty and possibly lose face with his family.

You have my sympathy and best wishes. It is a very, very difficult situation and only you and your DH can make the choice that is right for your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

That's a really tough situation. My thoughts and prayers will definitely be with you and your family as you're figuring out how to handle this situation. I don't know if you've ever heard of Karyn Purvis but she has a book called The Connected Child that could be really helpful to you and your husband as this little boy is staying with you. Wishing you the best.



the brie's cheese knees

[Anonymous]

On the financial side, I would also consider that it is likely your nephew has special needs that will involve therapy. 3 years old is a lot of time to be screwed up by abusive and negligent parents. I don't think it should necessarily deter you, but, be prepared to go into the situation with eyes wide open about what his long term needs might be.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to decide on adoption right now. Why not just have the parents sign over custody? Then everything is nice and legal, but not as permanent and with potential pitfalls as adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That woman should be ashamed of herself. That poor, poor little boy. Please give him a safe, loving home. He desperately needs it.

He needs a living home and family but it should not be a relative. He should be adopted in his home country. Imagine how he will feel knowing that "aunt" Larla is actually his mother. Love, unfortunately, Does not conquer all. He will need years of counselling. This is nothing but trouble for a long, long time.

Terrible advice. If he has family with the capacity and desire to raise him, then that's where he should be. Adopting a niece/nephew isn't anything new.

[Anonymous]

Any update, OP?

[Anonymous]

I would start with the consulate/embassy for your DH's country of birth rather than with an international adoption attorney. It will save you time and money, as there are likely very different rules for kinship adoption and they can likely give you useful referrals. Better to do that first than pay an international adoption lawyer to have to do all the research into your DH's particular country.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. At age 3 your nephew would learn English very quickly. Any chance you can hire a nanny that speaks his language for the summer?
What country is he living in now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did. My husband's sister was neglecting her baby. The husband left. Like, literally drove her home from the hospital, got her and the baby inside, as they got settled he packed up all his shit, and then just walked out. DH and I work full time and we had been in talks with the sister to enter a nanny share using our nanny. We were racing over to her house each day after work to check the baby, who was being severely neglected. Horrifying diaper rashes - to the point my daughter, who wasn't even 2, looked at the newborn's ass and burst into tears. We were taking the newborn overnight, on weekends, etc. DH was working from home to keep the baby. His sister just slept all day. We tried everything to get her engaged with her baby. We tried talking to the husband - DH took him out for a beer and gave him a talk. No dice.

We tried moving his sister in with us. Didn't work. Now we have two kids. Being able to afford it luckily wasn't an issue for us. In a weird turn of events, I needed to have surgery that had a month of recovery, so I was able to spend a solid month at home, with the baby, bonding and getting her used to getting fed and changed and replied to when she needed them. We'd been a "one and done" couple prior to her but ... whatever. I am not sure how we will explain that her aunt is also her mother, etc. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I hope to God someone is checking on that mother, because I can say beyond a reasonable doubt that she wasn't neglecting her baby for no reason. She matters too.