Husband: no fun allowed without him, and fun allowable only on his schedule

[Anonymous]

SO frustrated with spouse right now. Here's the scenario: long weekend. Two kids. I suggest we get out of town for some time away with kids and chance to enjoy being out of the city. He says I don't want to do suggestion A, B, or C; I want to stay in DC so I can go into the office over the long weekend. (He does not usually work weekends, so this is news to me.) I say okay, then I'm fine going somewhere with kids by myself. He counters with "but I never get to do anything with the kids and I don't want to miss out on the fun stuff!" Well, YOU DON'T WANT US TO DO ANY FUN STUFF. YOU WANT US ALL TO SIT HOME SO YOU CAN SPEND TIME IN THE OFFICE. I have no idea what the compromise position is here. The kids stay home and get to do nothing different than same old same old, so he doesn't miss out? There is no offer of going some other time; it's just "I don't want to, so no one should because then I might miss what I don't want to do anyway."

Help.

[Anonymous]

Wow. He might need professional help with his communication and empathy skills.

Is he emotionally healthy?

[Anonymous]

Could you go someplace that is still within driving distance to his office?

[Anonymous]

Can't you plan some fun things to do at home this weekend so everyone can participate? And maybe plan some shorter activities within an hour's drive to do with the kids during the time hubs is working?

[Anonymous]

First, calm down. I understand that you are frustrated, but getting angry at him will not help.

This is not -- or should not -- be a "you and the kids" versus "me and the kids" situation. Nor should it be an "I make the decisions" and that's what we all do scenario. You are a family. You and DH are a team. You work together, you compromise, you figure out something. It will not be 100% perfect or exactly what either of you want, but that's the beauty of it. If either of you had wanted to make your own independent decisions about your time, you should have stayed single.

So in this situation, I would go to DH and say, "Look. I know you have to work this weekend. I get that." Maybe he is behind in his work, feeling anxious about it and thinks being in the office for a day or so when no one else is there will help him catch up and feel more secure. My DH does that all the time.

"But," you say, "can we find a compromise?" Can we take an overnight on Saturday, say, or promise to do something fun as a family all day on Sunday? You figure out something that will work within those time frames and any budget constraints.

[Anonymous]

He gets to do what he wants. You get to do what you want.
Don't debate this with him, OP. State the fact that you and the kids will do X, Y and Z this weekend while he is working. Period. If he's not happy with this arrangement, too bad.

[Anonymous]

It's a holiday weekend, that's fishy he wants to work instead of spending time with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a holiday weekend, that's fishy he wants to work instead of spending time with his family.

That was my thought as well, particularly since the OP says it's not normal for him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He is stressed out about work and I can understand why he's thinking that a couple of hours at the office out of the long weekend is not a big deal, because he has four days off. So a few hours out of four days seems like no big deal to him.

But here's his history: "I want to do fun stuff with the kids. I don't want to miss out. Why do you get to do fun stuff with the kids?" Well, I get to do fun stuff with the kids because (1) I make plans to do so and (2) I execute those plans. I am flexible enough that I can decide that if my ideal scenario is three hours at the office on Saturday morning, I can adjust my thinking and understand that three hours on Sunday afternoon would be fine as well, and would mean that the rest of the family doesn't have to limit their plans to fit around my fixed idea.

This is the same person who says "I need to spend more one on one time with [kid]" but never, ever makes an effort to do anything along those lines, but gets resentful when I do because then he's missing out. The net result: whole family misses out because he doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, calm down. I understand that you are frustrated, but getting angry at him will not help.

This is not -- or should not -- be a "you and the kids" versus "me and the kids" situation. Nor should it be an "I make the decisions" and that's what we all do scenario. You are a family. You and DH are a team. You work together, you compromise, you figure out something. It will not be 100% perfect or exactly what either of you want, but that's the beauty of it. If either of you had wanted to make your own independent decisions about your time, you should have stayed single.

So in this situation, I would go to DH and say, "Look. I know you have to work this weekend. I get that." Maybe he is behind in his work, feeling anxious about it and thinks being in the office for a day or so when no one else is there will help him catch up and feel more secure. My DH does that all the time.

"But," you say, "can we find a compromise?" Can we take an overnight on Saturday, say, or promise to do something fun as a family all day on Sunday? You figure out something that will work within those time frames and any budget constraints.

There is no such thing as compromise when one of the parties takes a firm position of NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He is stressed out about work and I can understand why he's thinking that a couple of hours at the office out of the long weekend is not a big deal, because he has four days off. So a few hours out of four days seems like no big deal to him.

But here's his history: "I want to do fun stuff with the kids. I don't want to miss out. Why do you get to do fun stuff with the kids?" Well, I get to do fun stuff with the kids because (1) I make plans to do so and (2) I execute those plans. I am flexible enough that I can decide that if my ideal scenario is three hours at the office on Saturday morning, I can adjust my thinking and understand that three hours on Sunday afternoon would be fine as well, and would mean that the rest of the family doesn't have to limit their plans to fit around my fixed idea.

This is the same person who says "I need to spend more one on one time with [kid]" but never, ever makes an effort to do anything along those lines, but gets resentful when I do because then he's missing out. The net result: whole family misses out because he doesn't want to.

Again, OP, I think you need to work WITH him, not against him, which is what your current attitude displays.

So you are better at making plans and arrangements with the kids, things that they will enjoy. Congratulations; you win that race. I'm betting he's better at some things with the kids, as well. Can't you just accept that as a limitation he has, and work with that? Try telling him in advance -- hey, on Labor Day weekend, I'm thinking we should do XXX. Not a good time for him? OK, the weekend before is better. I'm calling tonight and booking the tickets, OK?

Go from there.

[Anonymous]

Um, can't you do fun stuff in the DC area? I'm not grasping that there is no compromise here. I think you are being unreasonable. You are making a giant leap from "can't go out of town" to "must sit at home".

[Anonymous]

Spend one day as a family, take the kids somewhere the other 2 days and let husband go sit in his office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, calm down. I understand that you are frustrated, but getting angry at him will not help.

This is not -- or should not -- be a "you and the kids" versus "me and the kids" situation. Nor should it be an "I make the decisions" and that's what we all do scenario. You are a family. You and DH are a team. You work together, you compromise, you figure out something. It will not be 100% perfect or exactly what either of you want, but that's the beauty of it. If either of you had wanted to make your own independent decisions about your time, you should have stayed single.

So in this situation, I would go to DH and say, "Look. I know you have to work this weekend. I get that." Maybe he is behind in his work, feeling anxious about it and thinks being in the office for a day or so when no one else is there will help him catch up and feel more secure. My DH does that all the time.

"But," you say, "can we find a compromise?" Can we take an overnight on Saturday, say, or promise to do something fun as a family all day on Sunday? You figure out something that will work within those time frames and any budget constraints.

I agree with this. Work it out. You are married and this is what famiy life is about, compromise.

[Anonymous]

Make plans, tell him you hope he can come, he will either go, not go, or go for part of the time.

You can't do this for the next 15 years.