Something I'm willing to judge: Ghosting
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Anonymous
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Apparently I'm even more clueless than I realized as I had never heard of this term before. But I'm willing to judge it. This is a horrendous way to treat other people and I don't understand how anyone thinks it is acceptable. Of course I'm sure there are exceptions where it is OK - abuse or say entering the witness protection program. But in general to just completely ignore someone is psychologically cruel. I don't know how you do that to someone you were involved with without any explanation and live with yourself after.
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/06/26/fashion/exes-explain-ghosting-the-ultimate-silent-treatment.html |
Anonymous
| How is it different from ignoring or shunning someone in person? |
Anonymous
OP here - I think it's probably just the technological extension of that, but that little bit easier to do because the removal of face to face interactions makes it easier. And I'll extend my position: I'm willing to judge ignoring and shunning behavior too. |
Anonymous
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You would find a lot to judge in my neighborhood, the most socially dysfunctional place I've ever lived. People who don't acknowledge or speak to each other. Lovely.
I judge these behaviors, as well. However, ghosting is more avoidance, not dealing with something. It definitely would cause confusion/hurt if you are on the receiving end. I don't understand this sort of thing. |
Anonymous
| So stupid and childish. How hard is it to tell someone you are not interested in seeing them any more? It can be a short conversation. Even an email or call would be better than just avoiding someone. People are just big babies who are afraid of confrontation. |
Anonymous
| This has been going on for years. Just more points of access (phone, email, social). |
Anonymous
| My ex-fiance did this to me! I did not know this was a "thing." I thought it was just me. It is an awful thing to do to someone. I can maybe understand it if you've only gone out once or twice, though even then it's pretty cowardly. But if the relationship is beyond that I think it's a sign of a serious character defect to end it this way. I'm not interested in dating people this cowardly. Have the courage to face the person and tell them what's going on. |
Anonymous
| This is pretty much how most men in their 20s end their relationships. I'm 40 years old and remember this happening 15, 20 years ago. |
Anonymous
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This isn't a new thing, just more opportunities for it to happen with social media and technology.
I don't think shunning is the answer to everything but I don't think it's inexcusable. In fact it's the perfect response to inexcusable behavior. I had a coworker I found out was a frenemy after she left the job. I learned she had made up lies that could have affected my job and licence and actually had tortured to have me fired. I never responded to her calls emails or texts again..... And there were a lot. Why bother making contact to say don't contact me again, I know what you did? I didn't have the inclination to spend more energy on her. When she had the Balls to show up on the job I told her I knew everything and to not attempt contact again. She gulped and left. If it's a dating relationship with no wrongdoing I don't understand why people just don't say "I'm not feeling it/I'm not available/whatever" instead of ignoring, but then again, if I'm ignored I would move along and not spend energy on it too care. |
Anonymous
^^This. I dated a guy for a few months who kept me at arm's length, wasn't there for me, and would only see me at kooky times. I disappeared on him. He didn't have much regard for me and I felt he didn't deserve the time it would take to break up officially. I had a former friend who I learned was gossiping about me. Cut her off without explanation too. I had another friend who used to stand me up and disappear on me for months at a time. One day, I just stopped responding and haven't seen her since. People like that know what they did wrong and abused the relationship as long as they could. Why convene a panel discussion to announce you're not standing for it anymore? Just cut them off. |
Anonymous
| OP here: to the PPs saying that inexcusable behavior by the other party justifies this, I'm sorry but I disagree. Unless your healthy or safety is threatened by doing so, you should communicate your intention to cut off contact. As the old saying goes, 2 wrongs don't make a right. |
Anonymous
| OP did someone ghost you? You seem a bit defensive here and I have to ask what your situation was. |
Anonymous
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I understand what you are saying, OP, but I do think there are some instances when it is appropriate. In the book "The Gift of Fear" the author explains that for some disturbed individuals, ANY contact, ANY acknowledgement, even if it is "I do not like you anymore, please do not contact me." Is interpreted as a sign to continue to try to engage with the person.
In these cases, "ghosting" probably isn't the best term to use, as we are really talking about defending/protecting oneself from a stalker/abuser, but I do think there are some instances where absolutely zero contact is the way to go. |
Anonymous
Didn't Sean Penn beat Madonna up? Maybe Charlie was protecting herself? That's the first thing I thought when I read she cut him off cold. http://www.lipstickalley.com/showthread.php/299705-Flashback-Sean-Penn-Beat-Madonna-for-9-Hours-in-1987-Charged-with-Felony-Domestic-Assault "And then there was his constant criticism and violence. Once, he tied her to a chair and beat her. Another time, he hit her with a baseball bat. He threatened to shave her head. He chased her out of their hotel room. Several times he promised to go to rehab or therapy, or to father a child with her, and she took him back. In June 1987, Madonna went to the Cedars Sinai hospital for an X-ray after Penn apparently hit her across the head with a baseball bat. At the time, they had been having a heart-to-heart talk about reconciling. Madonna did not make an official complaint because Penn was about to serve a short jail term for attacking a film extra. He served 33 days of a 60-day sentence in the Los Angeles County jail (23 hours a day in solitary) for violating the probation he'd been given for punching a fan. It was a decision she would come to regret. In the late afternoon of December 28, 1988, Penn scaled the wall surrounding the Malibu house and found Madonna alone in the master bedroom. According to a report filed by Madonna with the Malibu sheriff’s office, the two began to quarrel. Penn told her he owned her ‘lock, stock and barrel’. When she told him she was leaving the house, he tried to bind her hands with an electric lamp and cord. Screaming and afraid, Madonna fled from the bedroom. What followed was a nine-hour ordeal which left her deeply shaken. Penn chased her into the living room, caught her and bound her to a chair with heavy twine. Then he threatened to cut off her hair. According to the police report, Penn was ‘drinking liquor straight from the bottle’ and the abuse went on for several hours, during which time he smacked and roughed up his victim. He went out to buy more alcohol, leaving Madonna bound and gagged. Some hours later, he returned and continued his attacks. Madonna said that he untied her after she agreed to perform a degrading sex act on him. She then fled the house and ran to her car. Penn ran after her and was banging on the windows of her Thunderbird while she spoke to police on her mobile phone. Fifteen minutes later, she staggered into the sheriff’s office. Lieut Bill McSweeny said: ‘I hardly recognised her as Madonna. She was weeping, her lip was bleeding and she had obviously been struck." Judge Sean Penn for being an abuser. |
Anonymous
Not that I'm aware of. And not defensive - just judgmental  I followed the link to the original article on a whim since I was unfamiliar with the term, and was just a little shocked by the 'eh' attitude expressed regarding this behavior. In general I'm pretty non-judgmental and don't really care how others lead their lives, but the lack of recognition that this is (in my eyes) pretty shockingly poor behavior that could hurt others surprised me.
I was also a bit taken aback by the folks quoted who had been hurt by this behavior but still somehow justified doing it to others. |