Something I'm willing to judge: Ghosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand what you are saying, OP, but I do think there are some instances when it is appropriate. In the book "The Gift of Fear" the author explains that for some disturbed individuals, ANY contact, ANY acknowledgement, even if it is "I do not like you anymore, please do not contact me." Is interpreted as a sign to continue to try to engage with the person.

In these cases, "ghosting" probably isn't the best term to use, as we are really talking about defending/protecting oneself from a stalker/abuser, but I do think there are some instances where absolutely zero contact is the way to go.

OP again - in case I wasn't clear I am absolutely excluding situations where health and safety are at risk, and I don't have an opinion the particulars regarding Theron & Penn. It was more the attitude that just disappearing on someone in general barring those kinds of extenuating circumstances could ever be OK. Personally I don't think the 'it's only been a few dates so I'll just disappear' is acceptable either. Grow up and just communicate that directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand what you are saying, OP, but I do think there are some instances when it is appropriate. In the book "The Gift of Fear" the author explains that for some disturbed individuals, ANY contact, ANY acknowledgement, even if it is "I do not like you anymore, please do not contact me." Is interpreted as a sign to continue to try to engage with the person.

In these cases, "ghosting" probably isn't the best term to use, as we are really talking about defending/protecting oneself from a stalker/abuser, but I do think there are some instances where absolutely zero contact is the way to go.

OP again - in case I wasn't clear I am absolutely excluding situations where health and safety are at risk, and I don't have an opinion the particulars regarding Theron & Penn. It was more the attitude that just disappearing on someone in general barring those kinds of extenuating circumstances could ever be OK. Personally I don't think the 'it's only been a few dates so I'll just disappear' is acceptable either. Grow up and just communicate that directly.

I love debating topics, but this is meh. People will treat others as they wish. We don't know their motives. And they don't care what we think, anyway.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy for almost 15 months. Granted, not exclusively. Then he texted me, "I'm about done." and never responded to me again. Didn't even call or come see me in person to dump me. Coward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy for almost 15 months. Granted, not exclusively. Then he texted me, "I'm about done." and never responded to me again. Didn't even call or come see me in person to dump me. Coward![/quote/]

Yeah, we've all been there. It's called he's an ass.

ghosting is a term for those hip millenials...they can now have tons of buzzfeed articles about it.

What's worse...giving shade, or ghosting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy for almost 15 months. Granted, not exclusively. Then he texted me, "I'm about done." and never responded to me again. Didn't even call or come see me in person to dump me. Coward!

This just came out of nowhere? There wasn't a fight leading up to this?

[Anonymous]

Some folks think that they are entitled to an "explanation" for why the guy that went on two dates with her is not interested. This is unrealistic.

I think it's OK to ghost if the relationship was short, non-exclusive and you don't have any other relationship with that person. At that stage, no one owes anyone anything.

I think it's bizarre to ghost after a long-term, exclusive relationship. I am honestly skeptical of people who claim that this happened to them. People don't usually ust disappear out of the blue. There was probably SOMETHING that happened that either offended or upset the ghoster.

[Anonymous]

Phil Collins supposedly divorced his wife via fax, but this was only after the relationship had already broken down and they had been fighting. So, it wasn't really the out-of-the-blue Rich Rock Star Callously Dumping His Loyal Wife BS like the myth suggests.

[Anonymous]

I went on several dates with a guy, then he could not find time to meet and I decided that he is not interested. I let him know that it's okay but he tried to tell me that he misses me, has not forgotten me and kept asking if I wanted to meet and then canceling again. He reached out to me again out of the blue and asked if I wanted to meet. I decided to give him a chance and said yes. And he did not respond. Probably will reappear again soon but I decided to end this misery and filtered all his future messages to be automatically deleted. I think it's acceptable to "ghost". Some people really do not need any explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some folks think that they are entitled to an "explanation" for why the guy that went on two dates with her is not interested. This is unrealistic.

I think it's OK to ghost if the relationship was short, non-exclusive and you don't have any other relationship with that person. At that stage, no one owes anyone anything.

I think it's bizarre to ghost after a long-term, exclusive relationship. I am honestly skeptical of people who claim that this happened to them. People don't usually ust disappear out of the blue. There was probably SOMETHING that happened that either offended or upset the ghoster.

I agree with this. I always used to say the first 3 dates are "free" - as in, free from obligation, prior to the term "ghosting" coming into the lexicon. If someone does not want to see you after up to 3 dates, they don't owe you an explanation.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but even when an actual 'this is ending' conversation happens - I appreciate knowing that it is actually over, and that they aren't dead in a ditch somewhere, but I don't want/need a reason. If it's a shorter term relationship, why do I need to know what they decided about me wasn't for them? That they'd prefer someone funnier, or someone who made more money, or that they are going back to their ex? I can't change these things, and they will just make me feel bad. In longer-term relationships, unless one of you is a pathological liar, you both know why it's ending. You knew what the problems were, and apparently, the other person has decided that they are not worth the time/effort to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This is pretty much how most men in their 20s end their relationships. I'm 40 years old and remember this happening 15, 20 years ago.

I caught my girl friend cheating on me. I saw no reason to talk to her again or even acknowledge her existence. Judge me all you want. I don't care. Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

[Anonymous]

I ghosted a long term ex because that was the only way I could make it crystal clear to him that we were OVER, done, finis, NO chance of ever getting back together. If I had answered his phone call (or a text or email) that would have just encouraged him to keep contacting me. It was better just to end all communication because I did not want to play games. If that means that I "ghosted" him, oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: to the PPs saying that inexcusable behavior by the other party justifies this, I'm sorry but I disagree. Unless your healthy or safety is threatened by doing so, you should communicate your intention to cut off contact. As the old saying goes, 2 wrongs don't make a right.

My former best friend made a pass at my wife. I haven't spoken to him since. You really think I should give him the time of day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy for almost 15 months. Granted, not exclusively. Then he texted me, "I'm about done." and never responded to me again. Didn't even call or come see me in person to dump me. Coward!

He should have left out the about.

[Anonymous]

i've done this with friends but not someone i was dating. does that count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: to the PPs saying that inexcusable behavior by the other party justifies this, I'm sorry but I disagree. Unless your healthy or safety is threatened by doing so, you should communicate your intention to cut off contact. As the old saying goes, 2 wrongs don't make a right.

My former best friend made a pass at my wife. I haven't spoken to him since. You really think I should give him the time of day?

If you've only been on a couple of dates and it's nothing serious, then I don't think ghosting is a problem. If you've been dating for a year, and there was not obvious catalyst (such as someone cheating or being violently abusive) then it's not OK.

It's really just common sense.