Is it ever worth not having a relationship with family over ideological issues?

[Anonymous]

My sister-in-law just pointed out to me that our mutual mother-in-law posted something on Facebook comparing Hillary Clinton to Hitler. She clearly doesn't realize how offensive this is, nor how much it makes evident just how stupid she is. Interestingly, sister-in-law is one of those types who thinks family is always "worth it" - it's important for kids to have relationships with grandparents etc. even if they are obviously lunatics with crazy and offensive viewpoints. I guess I'm not really convinced by that argument, and I don't want anything like the Hitler remark (god) brought up around my kid. How do you set boundaries to keep a relationship positive, or is it even worth having?

[Anonymous]

Things I would consider:
(1) Does the person say these types of things in front of my kids?
(2) How much of their conversation do these things invove? Does every visit include hours of ranting about politics, or is it confined to FB?
(3) How much of it is ignorance v. malice? Is the person open to having a discussion about it?
(4) Is it "just" politics, or do they say hateful things about other races, religions, etc.?

I have relatives that have political views that I find at best ignorant. But since we don't talk about these things, I don't let it interfere with our relationship. I feel free to express my disagreement politely, and I've actually had some great conversations with some relatives where they were really thoughtful and open-minded. If they were spouting hateful stuff in front of my kids, I might feel differently, but if I can avoid all of it by blocking their FB page, then I just do that.

[Anonymous]

Do you want your children to stop having a relationship with you over ideological issues?

[Anonymous]

The beautiful thing about this country is that we ate each free to hold our own views on a myriad of topics. I cannot imagine be so close minded as to cut someone out simply because I disagreed with their politics, religion, etc. This says more about you than it does about her op.

[Anonymous]

The only reason that I would cut someone off for ideological disagreement is if it threatened to harm my family. So, if I have a trans* child or a gay child, you'd better bet I would cut off anyone in my family who would hurt them.

Otherwise, live and let live.

[Anonymous]

If this person can keep their views to themselves, then of course I would prioritize family over making some vague political statement. If you are cutting themnoff for beliefs they aren't pushing on you or your children then you are only doing it to punish them for being wrong, which is pretty stupid and selfish. If they can keep it out of conversation in your presence then you can have a lovely relationship that is about many other things. If they are vocal and refuse to change the subject, then I would cut them off for being a jackass, not for their political beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Extremes are not an option. Stop considering it, for your own mental health, even if MIL doesn't safeguard her mental health.

[Anonymous]

Yes ... people who engage in "in your face" political dialogs are not doing it to be friendly! They are doing it to challenge you and to "win". That's not enjoy able. I would not associate with anyone like that regardless of the dynamics of our relationship.

[Anonymous]

That is not a reason I would cut off a family member for. She said it on Facebook which I assume your children are young and not reading her Facebook account?
If she starts saying those things in front of your children I think you work on addressing it with her first, not just cutting her off. You can create boundaries that you don't discuss politics in your home, you don't discuss politics in front of the children, etc. whatever works for you to help you maintain the relationship but avoid the behavior you don't want you or your children to be around.

[Anonymous]

Would you be equally offended if she had posted something on Facebook comparing George Bush to Hitler?

[Anonymous]

I would stop going to her Facebook page and then refuse to talk politics with her. People say inflammatory things like that because they like the approval/laughs that they get from others. Don't engage in that kind of talk with her. Get up and leave the room or look at your watch and see "Oh, gee we got to get running I just remembered we have to be somewhere!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes ... people who engage in "in your face" political dialogs are not doing it to be friendly! They are doing it to challenge you and to "win". That's not enjoy able. I would not associate with anyone like that regardless of the dynamics of our relationship.

My eldest sister did this to me for years (after Obama was elected, because of course I made the deciding vote), and i just went along, smiling and nodding. My DC were confused about all the yelling (their yelling at me). Finally she cut me off, as did her entire extended family. It makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Lifestyle choices - maybe, and by that I mean dangerous lifestyles choices, not just those I find immoral or distasteful.

But just an ideology, as in thoughts/preferences - no, I don't cut family off for that.

Look, your MIL's comment was offensive for sure, but how literal do you want to take it? These conservatives types use hyperbole, but so do the liberals when calling things fascist. do you want to be the kind of person who dismisses any and all good qualities of family members for one-offs like this? is that the example you want to give your kids, that if some one says something awful, then they're irredeemable? What about charity, compassion, and appreciating the good while not ignoring the bad? You could just tell your MIL, if she ever says something like this in person, "That's awful!" and then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Op, I guess you are a Hillary fan. Not everyone is. She has done some questionable things in the past. You obviously have not known MIL's political views til now. Would you be ok with her cutting you off because you like Hillary and she doesn't?. If that happend, I have a feeling you would be on here whining how unfair that was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things I would consider:
(1) Does the person say these types of things in front of my kids?
(2) How much of their conversation do these things invove? Does every visit include hours of ranting about politics, or is it confined to FB?
(3) How much of it is ignorance v. malice? Is the person open to having a discussion about it?
(4) Is it "just" politics, or do they say hateful things about other races, religions, etc.?

I have relatives that have political views that I find at best ignorant. But since we don't talk about these things, I don't let it interfere with our relationship. I feel free to express my disagreement politely, and I've actually had some great conversations with some relatives where they were really thoughtful and open-minded. If they were spouting hateful stuff in front of my kids, I might feel differently, but if I can avoid all of it by blocking their FB page, then I just do that.

Good reasonable approach. I think I also think you can use it as a teaching moment with your kids, if the occasional offensive remark is made around your child (as long as it's not directed AT your child). You can let the kid know you disagree, and why.