Is it ever worth not having a relationship with family over ideological issues?

[Anonymous]

Cutting off a family member because you don't like their politics sounds really intolerant -- kind of like cutting off a family member because they're gay. But it's not at all the same thing is it, because you're morally superior. Oh wait, that makes you a bigot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Done this repeatedly with racist and homophobic family members. Yes, you are free to have your hateful opinion. And I am free to not associate with such people.

I explain to my children (and my DH agrees) that when we do not call people out for this sort of thing, we are condoning it and allowing it to continue to grow and hurt people. We are complicit. And you folks who are like "grandma's nice but racist" are complicit. You are feeding this fire of hate. Ugly but true.

Does calling out racism have to also be paired with cutting some one off from your life? I think it's possible to continue loving some one while abhorring some of their decisions. When grandma says something awful, you can say "Grams, that's racist and I think you should reflect on whether that's something you truly believe" but that doesn't have to result in grandma being excluded from Christmas. What would that teach Grandma anyway? Or your children? Or larger society? What does tearing up your family achieve? Maybe if you showed grandma unconditional love, while being honest and frank, she would feel comfortable enough to reevaluate the way she sees things. But if you're just going to threaten to take away her access to the grand kids, then she's going to be defensive and horrified at how you treat her - all she will remember is how you've victimized her and tore the family apart with your righteousness, when the story should be about how we're all one human family and we all deserve to be treated with respect and to be loved. When you deny that love to your family because you find their love too narrow, you've lost the point. Fighting hate with hate will always lose.

[Anonymous]

Sure. If they are overly vocal, argumentative, and rude, yes. I have people in my party who want to shout you down and insult you and then get pissed when you can't have "an adult conversation."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I guess you are a Hillary fan. Not everyone is. She has done some questionable things in the past. You obviously have not known MIL's political views til now. Would you be ok with her cutting you off because you like Hillary and she doesn't?. If that happend, I have a feeling you would be on here whining how unfair that was.

I'm not the OP and I'm not a Hillary fan and won't be voting for her. If someone passed along an article or meme comparing Hillary to Hitler, I would assume that person was stupid or had a really offensive sense of humor. I would feel the same way if the meme was about Bush or Obama or any politician who has not actually perpetrated genocide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The beautiful thing about this country is that we ate each free to hold our own views on a myriad of topics. I cannot imagine be so close minded as to cut someone out simply because I disagreed with their politics, religion, etc. This says more about you than it does about her op.

I read the title of the thread and my first thoughts were young (30 ish) and liberal. It is sad. Liberal used to mean something much different than it does now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want your children to stop having a relationship with you over ideological issues?

This! Though if it's something said round the dinner table, you can make a remark, as kindly as possible, to show your disapproval for the kids' benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Done this repeatedly with racist and homophobic family members. Yes, you are free to have your hateful opinion. And I am free to not associate with such people.

I explain to my children (and my DH agrees) that when we do not call people out for this sort of thing, we are condoning it and allowing it to continue to grow and hurt people. We are complicit. And you folks who are like "grandma's nice but racist" are complicit. You are feeding this fire of hate. Ugly but true.

And I'm free to say how sad I think this militant stance is for your kids.

I don't see what's "militant" about this stance. When your kids turn out to spout racist/homophobe beliefs, don't scratch your head as to where they got it from of you're the type to just ignore it because you want free babysitting and baked goods from your extended family.

Come back in twenty years when your kids cut you off for your beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Done this repeatedly with racist and homophobic family members. Yes, you are free to have your hateful opinion. And I am free to not associate with such people.

I explain to my children (and my DH agrees) that when we do not call people out for this sort of thing, we are condoning it and allowing it to continue to grow and hurt people. We are complicit. And you folks who are like "grandma's nice but racist" are complicit. You are feeding this fire of hate. Ugly but true.

And I'm free to say how sad I think this militant stance is for your kids.

I don't see what's "militant" about this stance. When your kids turn out to spout racist/homophobe beliefs, don't scratch your head as to where they got it from of you're the type to just ignore it because you want free babysitting and baked goods from your extended family.

Come back in twenty years when your kids cut you off for your beliefs.

Exactly. You're also teaching your kids that they dare not voice an independent thought that differs from Mom and Dad lest they be cut off. PP who cuts off and mentions baked goods is unbelievably shallow and controlling at the same time.

[Anonymous]

I would never cut off a family member for their views. My family has views all across the spectrum - from a cousin who is one shade away from a Communist to aunts who treat Fox News as gospel and thought Hermain Cain was awesome, with everything in-between. Not to mention that I am a Democrat married to a Republican. We all get along just fine because (a) we find other things to talk about, not just politics and (b) we love each other.

The only way I'd even make a comment is if they were saying something I strongly disapproved of in front of my small children, and even then, I'd say I didn't want politics etc discussed in front of them, not "you are wrooooong!'

And as someone with some elderly relatives who are e.g., anti-gay, I am never going to tell them they are wrong. They are late80s-90+ years old, I am not changing their mind, nor do their views meaningfully affect the world around them (they are not out at anti-gay rallies or whatever). So I see no reason to hurt the feelings and raise the blood pressure of someone very elderly whom I love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The beautiful thing about this country is that we ate each free to hold our own views on a myriad of topics. I cannot imagine be so close minded as to cut someone out simply because I disagreed with their politics, religion, etc. This says more about you than it does about her op.

ITA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...I don't know if I draw lines in the sand. More like the offensive comments reach a critical mass and I find it hard to smile and feel warmth toward a person who exhibits such hatefulness. ILs are far away and don't visit often (maybe every year and a half or so) and we don't visit often either. So maintaining a relationship characterized by any kind of emotional closeness obviously requires effort. I find it hard to want to put in this effort when I see/hear these statements and can't just forget them or separate them from the less ugly sides of her. Do I think it's great that I have a hard time not holding things against her or holding grudges for her ignorant and hurtful statements? No. But I can't seem to force myself.

OK, I understand more clearly now what you are asking. I agree with PPs who say you need to address why the comments offend you but give her a chance.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks PP at 12:00. This thread has gone a bit awry thanks to the PP who advocates cutting family off - which is not me. I didn't outline this well, and my posts on page 2 explain more of how I'm feeling. I really do want advice. I would not cut anyone off in a million years - I just don't know how to feel more compassionate and hide my feelings. And I know I'm distant.

[Anonymous]

Why does your relationship have to be close? It isn't close, and I don't think you have to pretend otherwise. You need to be gracious, civil and polite. I operate that way with both my own parents and my in-laws. We differ from both sides of the family - think opposite extremes - and we are as close as our situation allows. We have other people in our lives that we are emotionally close to (some siblings more than others, for example). I find that if someone can't handle me as I am, then we aren't going to be close - but that doesn't mean we can't spend common time together, enjoying a dinner or an event or even each other's company. I know my parents feel the same way, that I'm not someone they can be close to because they feel I've rejected an important part of who they are by not continuing to belong to their faith. It's sad, but it's also just how it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister-in-law just pointed out to me that our mutual mother-in-law posted something on Facebook comparing Hillary Clinton to Hitler. She clearly doesn't realize how offensive this is, nor how much it makes evident just how stupid she is. Interestingly, sister-in-law is one of those types who thinks family is always "worth it" - it's important for kids to have relationships with grandparents etc. even if they are obviously lunatics with crazy and offensive viewpoints. I guess I'm not really convinced by that argument, and I don't want anything like the Hitler remark (god) brought up around my kid. How do you set boundaries to keep a relationship positive, or is it even worth having?

Why is this "so offensive" and evidence of her stupidity and lunacy?

Hillary Clinton is a public figure and a divisive one at that. Personally I cannot stand her and make insulting comments about her whiny nasal voice, her looks and her raw, naked ambition all the time. If she -- and her sheep-like followers -- can't take that, she shouldn't be running for public office.

Are you raising your child in a bubble OP? Or would you be equally offended if MIL insulted Ted Cruz?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Hillary Clinton may have many faults but killing millions of people via genocide isn't one of them. I think this kind of comparison is a slap in the face to survivors of nazism. I wouldn't vote for her, but the comparison is insulting to a lot more than her (I don't care that much about her feelings).