If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants mommy--the kids and DH. I am so "touched out" at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be touched more. The kids need me;DH wants me. Right now, needs take over wants.

Just use that excuse for 365 days a year then. Why are you married again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like my husband. Wants the sex transaction, which is his business if he wants to demand it, but also wants wife to want/like it, so he doesn't feel like a jerk, which sort of sounds "thoughtful," but in my view ultimately is selfish. ... If she really cares to do it for the sake of enjoying sex, great. If not, and she just does it to please you - hopefully with some good acting - so be it.

HD wife here. The problem is that if the spouse who "wants the sex transaction" can get it from someone other than the LD spouse, someone who really wants it, there's just no contest. I absolutely hate when my DH has duty sex. I'd rather just handle it on my own.

Yes, it is a problem when the HD spouse can get it elsewhere (I don't think that is a new concept). My point is to question how perfect sex for HD spouse has to be. To say "I want sex and you have to want it with me for it to be 'real'" is getting pretty needy. Perhaps it was easier in the days where if the wife just lay there to get it over with; now the expectation of husbands is that wife should play the role of a hooker. My marriage "contract" (to use the word of others in this thread) did not call for that. There is no good way out of this situation, I will readily admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like my husband. Wants the sex transaction, which is his business if he wants to demand it, but also wants wife to want/like it, so he doesn't feel like a jerk, which sort of sounds "thoughtful," but in my view ultimately is selfish. ... If she really cares to do it for the sake of enjoying sex, great. If not, and she just does it to please you - hopefully with some good acting - so be it.

HD wife here. The problem is that if the spouse who "wants the sex transaction" can get it from someone other than the LD spouse, someone who really wants it, there's just no contest. I absolutely hate when my DH has duty sex. I'd rather just handle it on my own.

Yes, it is a problem when the HD spouse can get it elsewhere (I don't think that is a new concept). My point is to question how perfect sex for HD spouse has to be. To say "I want sex and you have to want it with me for it to be 'real'" is getting pretty needy. Perhaps it was easier in the days where if the wife just lay there to get it over with; now the expectation of husbands is that wife should play the role of a hooker. My marriage "contract" (to use the word of others in this thread) did not call for that. There is no good way out of this situation, I will readily admit.

How about the wife plays the role of a wife in a marriage whereby sex is enjoyed by both parties. No one is calling the wife to be a hooker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How about the wife plays the role of a wife in a marriage whereby sex is enjoyed by both parties. No one is calling the wife to be a hooker.

Yet while it may be desirable that a wife likes sex, it is not part of the definition of "wife." "Having sex" is part of that definition, I suppose, but not liking it. So many husbands feel betrayed by changes in the sex drives of wives, especially after kids. Feeling that a sense of "betrayal" is legitimate (as expressed in the very first posting here) drives a lot of unhappiness and blaming the wife for her LD position, rather than blaming the husband for his HD situation, or blaming the culture in which younger women are more promiscuous and seem to promise what they cannot later deliver, or whatever. Heck, you may feel even more righteous by the comments of those DWs who come to your side in these gender wars and say "gee, I try really really hard to like sex with my husband because it is my job, and so it is my duty get myself in the mood."

[Anonymous]

"To say "I want sex and you have to want it with me for it to be 'real'" is getting pretty needy. "

Actually, I disagree. The main reason I married my husband was because I wanted unlimited sex with him. Why did you marry your DH? For kids, money, love, security?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How about the wife plays the role of a wife in a marriage whereby sex is enjoyed by both parties. No one is calling the wife to be a hooker.

Yet while it may be desirable that a wife likes sex, it is not part of the definition of "wife." "Having sex" is part of that definition, I suppose, but not liking it. So many husbands feel betrayed by changes in the sex drives of wives, especially after kids. Feeling that a sense of "betrayal" is legitimate (as expressed in the very first posting here) drives a lot of unhappiness and blaming the wife for her LD position, rather than blaming the husband for his HD situation, or blaming the culture in which younger women are more promiscuous and seem to promise what they cannot later deliver, or whatever. Heck, you may feel even more righteous by the comments of those DWs who come to your side in these gender wars and say "gee, I try really really hard to like sex with my husband because it is my job, and so it is my duty get myself in the mood."

It's not an age or cultural thing. I just don't see why your husband should stay married to you if you don't want or like sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How about the wife plays the role of a wife in a marriage whereby sex is enjoyed by both parties. No one is calling the wife to be a hooker.

Yet while it may be desirable that a wife likes sex, it is not part of the definition of "wife." "Having sex" is part of that definition, I suppose, but not liking it. So many husbands feel betrayed by changes in the sex drives of wives, especially after kids. Feeling that a sense of "betrayal" is legitimate (as expressed in the very first posting here) drives a lot of unhappiness and blaming the wife for her LD position, rather than blaming the husband for his HD situation, or blaming the culture in which younger women are more promiscuous and seem to promise what they cannot later deliver, or whatever. Heck, you may feel even more righteous by the comments of those DWs who come to your side in these gender wars and say "gee, I try really really hard to like sex with my husband because it is my job, and so it is my duty get myself in the mood."

It's not an age or cultural thing. I just don't see why your husband should stay married to you if you don't want or like sex with him.

Agreed, why did the PP get married in the first place? To NOT enjoy sex with her husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"To say "I want sex and you have to want it with me for it to be 'real'" is getting pretty needy. "

Actually, I disagree. The main reason I married my husband was because I wanted unlimited sex with him. Why did you marry your DH? For kids, money, love, security?

Such a simple-minded rhetorical response.

You marry for many reasons, and theses shift in priority over time. Unless you very naively see marriage as a short-term, unchanging relationship, you don't marry solely or primarily for unlimited sex. You marry for love, compatibility, friendship, companionship, children, lifestyle, cultural expectations, etc., in addition to sex. These shift over time. Marriages that suffer suffer because one or both partners don't adjust to the inevitable changes that take place in a relationship that spans decades. There are a number of factors that reduce sex as a priority in the marriage, but children are probably the most significant. However, illness, injury, and stress (due to any number of factors) also reduce libido. I married for more than sex, and with an infant and young child, sex is low on my priority list. DH is high drive, but he's (mostly) understanding that this changes over the years.

The worst thing that an HD partner can do is get angry with the parent of young child who is LD. No one wants to have sex out of fear because one's partner is angry for lack of sex. Unfortunately, lust is such an acceptable emotion for many husbands (yes, husbands, mostly--but not exclusively) that it justifies the anger, even when one's wife is physically (e.g., because of breast-feeding) suffering from low libido. As a husband, you can ask your wife to stop BFing so that she will want to have sex with you. But, then you are putting your lust above the well-being of your child. Or you can make your wife feel bad for breast-feeding and not having a sex drive. Good luck. After carrying a baby for 9 months, childbirth, and breastfeeding, the least you can do is hold your frustration until BFing is over.

[Anonymous]

But I can get companionship from other people. By getting married, I promised to have sex with only one man. If he's not enthusiastically interested, over a long period of time, I shouldn't have to be limited to sex with him only.

I really think many LD women stay married because it's comfortable and it's financially and socially expedient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"To say "I want sex and you have to want it with me for it to be 'real'" is getting pretty needy. "

Actually, I disagree. The main reason I married my husband was because I wanted unlimited sex with him. Why did you marry your DH? For kids, money, love, security?
Such a simple-minded rhetorical response.

Well, excuse me. I've been married over 15 years. You write like an LD wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's not an age or cultural thing. I just don't see why your husband should stay married to you if you don't want or like sex with him.

He doesn't have to, you are right. What I'm objecting to is the idea that sex with a wife who is as interested as you are is a husband's "right," that it is the "job" of the wife to do that. These things all are subject to negotiation, and change over the course of a marriage - as PP said. If my DH cannot get a hard on as he gets older do I divorce him? Gee, if I had known that, I probably wouldn't have married him.

Oh, I didn't get it before. A man's changed sexuality with age is normal; a woman's is just a slap in the face of her husband, who deserves better. Thanks for enlightening me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not an age or cultural thing. I just don't see why your husband should stay married to you if you don't want or like sex with him.

He doesn't have to, you are right. What I'm objecting to is the idea that sex with a wife who is as interested as you are is a husband's "right," that it is the "job" of the wife to do that. These things all are subject to negotiation, and change over the course of a marriage - as PP said. If my DH cannot get a hard on as he gets older do I divorce him? Gee, if I had known that, I probably wouldn't have married him.

Oh, I didn't get it before. A man's changed sexuality with age is normal; a woman's is just a slap in the face of her husband, who deserves better. Thanks for enlightening me.

Interesting point. Many PPs say that they would be more accepting of LD if it were due to a medical problem. Interesting of course that recovering from childbirth and the physiological changes connected to breastfeeding are somehow not seen as "medical," unlike say ED in a male spouse. Seems that child-related "medical" causes for LD are recharacterized as "pyschological" for women - thus putting them in her "control" and thus made her responsibility.

Note - I'm not saying that many LD-HD conflicts don't exist in the absence of children and/or that OPs and other do not have legitimate grievances. Just think that expecting anything much wrt sex in say, the year after childbirth, is just ridiculous, and undercuts their positions.

[Anonymous]

Idk, I don't consider myself to be HD, but I still have sex with my husband daily and we have two little kids (youngest one is 3 months.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants mommy--the kids and DH. I am so "touched out" at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be touched more. The kids need me;DH wants me. Right now, needs take over wants.

Nope. Big distinction here. Your kids want mommy. Your DH wants his WIFE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants mommy--the kids and DH. I am so "touched out" at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be touched more. The kids need me;DH wants me. Right now, needs take over wants.

Nope. Big distinction here. Your kids want mommy. Your DH wants his WIFE.

Given that mommy and wife inhabit the same body, it makes no difference to the woman. The man, of course, would like for his spouse to be everything without being especially understanding of the fact that with a young infant, maternal identity is (as it should) come first. This changes over time, but he needs to be patient.

I also agree with the PP that so many posters here seem to dismiss a breast-feeding woman's lack of desire as primarily psychological, rather that primarily physical/medical in nature.

My DH has put on about 20 lbs since we've been married and his "performance" is not quite as good as it used to be. Does this mean that I have a right get angry with him for not meeting my sexual demands?